The Text Plague

I have some serious concerns about an epidemic that's compounding at Dixie State College, and the world for that matter. I'm praying there will be a vaccine created for this disease before we all become infected.




This disease slowly eats away at the brain until a person is no longer able to speak normally, and it often results in an inability to speak altogether.



OK, so perhaps there are a few people I know who I would prefer to contract this appalling illness, if only to get them to shut up. But for the most part it saddens me because I am witnessing my friends and family slowly being taken away by this illness. Sometimes I even wonder if I've contracted the virus as well.



But the most repulsive aspect about this malady is it actually kills people. Since this a very serious matter, I'll tackle that a little later.



If you haven't figured it out yet I'm talking about text messaging, and the chances of finding a cure are slim to none.



I've decided to call this disease "Textaphonedastupida."



Stage One



In my research I've discovered a large population is infected with Textaphonedastupida and is showing symptoms of being in stage one of the virus's development.



The most common sign of stage one is a person's inability to string together a sentence and a tendency to speak in acronyms.



The other day I was hanging out in the Whitehead Building, because I'm cool like that, and I heard a girl exclaim with enormous emotion: "OMG! FML!"



It saddened me to hear the English language chopped down to six little letters. I think the worst part about this is those letters could mean anything. Who's to say she wasn't telling someone: "Over My Girdle! Fly My Love!"



And I can't say whether or not it was the same girl, but later that day I heard a female declare: "WTF!" Now correct me if I'm wrong, but the acronym "WTF" has five syllables, and the phrase I'm assuming she was shortening is only three. So shortening it didn't serve the purpose of an acronym at all.



Here's a review for those of you in stage one: For every time you allow this disease to get out of control and you actually use acronyms instead of speaking normally, you should have to repeat sixth grade English.



Stage Two



People who have stage two Textaphonedastupida aren't as large in numbers as those in stage one, but the population is steadily growing.



Stage two is particularly frightening because a person often finds it difficult to speak with other human beings, be it face-to-face or over the telephone.



People in this stage will actually ignore phone calls from their family and friends because they would rather communicate via texting.



I was recently hanging out with a friend of mine who I believe has contracted Textaphonedastupda and is showing signs of progressing to stage two. His phone rang and he looked at the caller ID. He saw it was a buddy of his. My friend then proceeded to ignore the call, waited for it to go to voicemail, and then promptly sent his friend a text.



People in stage two need to seek help immediately because they run the risk of infecting children. If children contract Textaphonedastupida and progress to stage two, then it will only be a generation before human beings stop talking altogether.



I've got a review for those in stage two: You need to have your phones taken away from you for two weeks straight. You need to be forced to converse with actual living, breathing humans. When you do get your phones back, they need to have your text message option completely disabled. It may be the only way to reverse the symptoms.



Stage Three



Stage three of Textaphonedastupida is the one I loathe to speak of because it can actually be fatal.



People in stage three are glued to their mobile devices 24/7. They will blatantly ignore requests to put the phone down and will even continue texting when it's against the law.



You can recognize people in stage three because they will pay for college and then spend the entire class time with their hands under the table sending text messages.



These people will be walking and texting and never looking where they are going.



It's unfortunate because I am seeing more and more students on campus who are obviously infected with Textaphonedastupida and have evidently progressed to stage three.



Unfortunately, people in stage three of Textaphonedastupida will actually drive while texting. These people honestly think it's OK to drive a car while simultaneously typing on a phone.



All kidding aside, what are you people thinking? The next time you get in your car and you have the urge to send a text message, maybe you should think about the person you will eventually hit and kill. Think about having to live with someone else's blood on your hands.



And the person you'll ultimately hit will only be one casualty. Take into consideration anyone else in your car, and the possibility of hitting more than one person.



Let's all just put away our phones for at least one day. Let's all try to talk to each other the way human beings are meant to: Face to face and without acronyms.