A Royal Pain IN The Butt

There's war in Afghanistan, war in Libya, war between political parties, and Donald Trump might run for president (see the next installment of "The Skewed Review")




But at least we can all rally around Kate No-Longer-In-The-Middle-ton, and Prince Will-He-Go-Bald-Or-Not. That's right. It's another royal wedding that takes place in a country where royalty has no real authority.



So I'm trying to understand the logistics of why the United States is so obsessed with a couple of ceremonially royal representatives who, with no offense to the Brits, could just as easily end up like Chuck and Di before them.



I just don't understand why the world is behaving as if the future of civilization itself is dependent upon a young woman's marriage to a prince who was fortunate enough to look like his mother when he was young, but unfortunate enough to look more and more like his father each day.



Don't they know celebrity marriages never last?



Before I get to the obsession by everyone who has no benefit from being obsessed, I'm rating the entire British procession of A-list chicks for their variety of interesting hats. I mean, honestly! It looked like I was watching the Ascot scene in "My Fair Lady."



So I give them five out of five skin-tight Audrey Hepburn black and white frilly frocks and permission to yell: "Come on Dover! Move your bloody arse!"



But let me get back to my point. Is this whole royal wedding business just some silly deterrent for all the chaos in the world today? Or are millions of women worldwide hoping to someday fetch an heir to the throne themselves?



I have to wonder if there would be this much pomp and circumstance if Sasha Obama were to get married tomorrow. Well, it would definitely make some serious New York Post headlines, considering she's only 10 years old.



But in this economy, I speculate that Americans would frown upon a gigantic wedding for the daughter of our dictator, er, I mean President. I can just hear Rush Limbaugh right now: "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there was more than six yards of Chinese silk used in her now royal highness's train. You can bet that silk was paid for by your tax dollars! There's your government at work for you right now!"



Frankly, I'm surprised the English folk don't get more up in arms over the costs of these weddings, especially since the people getting married aren't leaders at all. These princes and princesses get to dress in the finest of clothes, arrive in the best of vehicles, and get treated like, well, royalty! And who pays for it all? The English tax payers.



I can't believe how much this is bugging me.



But, since I know we've all got much more important things to do (like verify Barack Obama's birth certificate!), I'll keep this Skewed Review short and let you enjoy your summer.



I would just like to remind everyone that the entire world is hurting right now, but we are celebrating lavish weddings that are paid for by the very people who are hurting the most financially.



Obama must be loving this because for once the fiscal microscope isn't focused on his quadrupling of the national deficit.



Thanks for the distraction, William and Kate! See you at the divorce!