Political Bribery

I have had it up to my soul patch with senators and representatives, speakers and majority leaders, press secretaries and most of all, presidents. I will acknowledge that backroom deals and slight-of-hand has always been a part of American politics, but I refuse to accept it. And now, more than ever, the higher-ups are just so blatant about it; they don't seem to care their actions are so obvious that National Geographic could make a documentary about it. Incidentally, the documentary could be called something to the effect of "Orangutans of the Oval Office." Seriously, during the last round of health care circus acts, Senate Majority Leader Harry needs-to-get-whipped-with-a Reid wanted his version of the bill passed so badly that he started handing out deals left and wrong, I mean right, in an attempt to buy votes. As that was going on, my biggest beef was our Utah representatives didn't pretend they'd vote for health care reform so our state could reap some benefits. I guess someone should have told me to be careful what I wish for. Of course, seeing health care reform fail was a high point for me, not because of the health care itself, but because it finally wiped that look off Nanc-AAAK Pelows-EEEK's face. You know the look I'm talking about-like she just sat on a broken light bulb that's still screwed into a lamp socket. Not to get personal, but if I were walking down a dark alley and ran into Fancy Nancy, I would seriously pee myself. So now we have our commander-in-thief trying to bribe our very own congressman, Democrat Jim Matheson. Matheson voted "no thanks" on the latest round of health scare, and suddenly he was invited to dine with the here's-a-present-dent. All of a sudden, what do you know? Jim Matheson's brother Scott was nominated for the Federal Court of Appeals. Holy shipwrecks. I think Oh-bomb-ah should have just announced in a press conference: "Uh, I want health care to uh, pass, uh, so I'm going to be uh, handing out bribes, uh, to anyone who uh, wants them. Get them while they're uh, hot." Good gravy. For exposing himself in such a manner that would make even Satan blush, Ba-rock-the-boat should have to be hooked up to a polygraph and answer every doubting American's questions-sans a teleprompter. I think I have come up with the recipe for the perfect politician. This politician would bring the evil ringmaster Ba-rocky-road and his psycho circus freak show henchman down. This perfect politician would stand up and say: "I have no opinion whatsoever. Anything I say or do would be based purely upon what my constituents tell me. I do not think for myself; my constituents think for me. If the people I represent told me to get plastic surgery to look like Nancy-needs-a-chemical-Peelosi, I would." In every debate, every question would be answered like so: "That's a good question. I will have to ask my constituents what they think, and I'll get back to you." And don't try to tell me this would slow the governmental process down. There is literally no way in heaven or hell to do that. We have the slowest government in universal history. Perhaps I should become a senator. Actually, that would not work, because I can be bribed with a candy bar. However, I know at least one of you has more scruples than I do, and you should make it your goal to be the politician I described. Go and conquer.