If this is what happens at a judicial hearing, then SIGN ME UP!

I've watched Stephen Colbert's show once or twice but never found it that amusing. I get that Bill O'Reilly's model is teeming with satirical opportunities, but I just don't think Colbert's execution hits the mark.

Not only his political show unfunny, but Comedy Central's attempt at creating a two opposing views lineup starting with Jon Stewart on the Democratic side and Stephen Colbert on the Democrat pretending to be a Republican side, just doesn't work for me.

Colbert's laundry list of unqualifications hardly makes him an expert on anything.

So why then was he chosen to testify at a House subcommittee hearing?

Colbert testified before the subcommittee on Sept. 24 about the need to secure our borders against illegal immigrants. Or did he? His sarcasm said otherwise.

His highly sardonic testimony was an affront to the very political bureaucracy that is a House judicial hearing. And that's saying a lot.

Who on Earth thought it would sway anyone's opinion to have Colbert tell us that we need to genetically engineer vegetables to pick themselves? Or that his grandfather didn't travel over the Atlantic just to see this country overrun with illegal aliens? Or that he just realized most soil is at ground level?

Apparently Chairwoman Zoe Lofgren, D-Calif., did because she was the one who invited Colbert in the first place.

At least there was a small bit of sense in the hearing. House Judiciary Chairman John Conyers told Colbert that he needed to exit the room and leave the hearing to the professionals.

So what's next on the docket? Oh yeah, Congress will be telling people how to play baseball and how much salt we can have in our food.

Wow, I guess Colbert's testimony wasn't as much of a farce as I originally thought. Comparatively speaking, of course.

Keep up the good justifications work!

Why do I love them so, so much?!

What is it about triviality that attracts people like me? Why can't I be concerned about things that actually matter?


Well, instead of being concerned with the Ground Zero mosque or the war in Afghanistan, I'm more concerned (and down in the dumps, frankly) about Li-Lo.


Yes, I know we've all heard the troubling news: Lindsay Lohan failed a drug test. So what now? Come on Lindsay! I can't wait forever for you to clean up your act so I can watch you train wreck all over the movie screen! Get your act together please, or you're going to end up dead before you do anything truly fabulous.

At least Marilyn Monroe made lots of hit movies before she was assasinated by Kennedy bitten by the overdose bug. What do you have, Lindsay? "The Parent Trap?"


At least one concern of mine this week doesn't revolve around Hollywood starlets or train wrecking socialites. I'm speaking about repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."

Oh wait, the only reason I even care is because of Lady Gaga.


Snap.


Gaga was at a rally in Maine speaking to a group of activists out to repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell." I was less interested in the substance of her speech and more interested in what she was wearing. (Nice glasses, by the way!) I was also eager to see how she would justify her meat dress.


That's right. Rather than just come out and say something like, "The meat dress was fake (but not really), so leave me alone," she's been trying to connect the dots of her cold cut hat/dress/shoe combo. In fact, she even called her speech "Equality is the Prime Rib of America."


It's a stretch, Gaga. I think you can have the same effect in your activism without having to explain why you wore meat to the VMAs!

See? Even when my interest is sparked in a national headline, it's usually because of the involvement of some crash-and-burn pop star, or in Gaga's case, my beautiful queen who happened to wear a dress that made PETA mad.

If only these awards meant something!

She's broken the record with 13 MTV Video Music Award nominations.

Everyone bow down to Lady Gaga. Is it just me, or does she continue to break records and be absolutely fabulous? No wonder the world is trying to be like her.

Although imitation is just a form of flattery, it obviously isn't the way get nominations. Poor Miley Cyrus and Christina Aguilera both reinvented themselves to become more Gaga-esque. Whether it was because they really dig her style or they just wanted the attention, the fact still remains it didn't get either of them anywhere.

So it just goes to prove that Gaga has the recipe for success, but she's the only one who knows how turn on the oven.

UPDATE: Lady Gaga took home eight of the 13 awards, and did so looking absolutely fabulous! Is it just me, or is she trying to come across as beautiful rather than scary all of a sudden? Well, in any case, she's succeeding!

Of course, for all this to be true, you would have to forget Gaga's dress she wore while accepting the award for Best Music Video. While I'm a big fan of steaks, I'm not quite sure if I'd go so far as to wear them.


I suppose she was still beautiful, just in a very sick and carnivorous way.

Next time I decide to quit, I'll make sure to become a media darling FIRST!

Steven Slater, of JetBlue fame, finally resigned, according to the Associated Press.

What? I thought he was fired! This just goes to show that JetBlue is more concerned with covering its own ass then doing what is best for its customers, or at least what is best for the company.

Had it been I who yelled at a paying customer, stolen two cases of beer, and deployed an emergency exit to escape the situation, not only would I have been arrested upon landing on the tarmac, but I also would have been fired that very second.

But because the little guy is so under appreciated in this day and age, Slater was given a hero's welcome home (after being released from jail) and has been a media darling ever since.

Don't let this particular post steer you into false thinking. Let me make it absolutely clear: I applaud Slater. He really is a hero who decided enough was enough. The point of this post is to show that PR control by companies is always the bottom line.  I'm sure if JetBlue was positive that no media would ever get wind of what happened that day, Slater would have been terminated and never given the chance to resign.

James Jay Lee wanted new programming, dammit!

Well, I guess it's painfully obvious: If you want to get your voice heard in this country, you've got to take hostages.

The man who hated Discovery was shot down again, so to speak. Unfortunately he figured out that no one really cares about peaceful protests anymore. So the solution? Walk into the Discovery Channel building with a bomb strapped to your body, and proceed to threaten the lives of random employees.

Did it get him what he wanted? Absolutely not. Did it get his face and cause plastered all over live T.V. for almost 4 hours straight? Of course it did.

My friends, I fear the age of civil disobedience is over.