Green aint always Good

Whilst pondering the global warming debacle, I suddenly realized you can't spell environmentalist without the word "mental." Every time I see one of these loons on television or read about them in a magazine, I just think to myself: "How cute. They think Americans are so powerful that they can destroy Earth." Before I continue, please allow me to make it clear that I am all for being environmentally friendly. There's nothing wrong with eliminating pollution and saving energy. But for heaven's sake, if I hear the term "going green" one more time, I swear to all that is holy I am going to go buy the biggest SUV there is and leave it idling 24/7. As many of you know, I am a Rolling Stone aficionado (the magazine, not the band). Every once in a while, the editors of said magazine feel the need to stray from music and hit hard on subjects completely outside the realm of entertainment. Take this month's issue, for instance. On a completely black cover, a daunting title in bold, red letters reads "YOU IDIOTS!" Below the all-caps headline is a sub-heading that reads "Meet the planet's worst enemies." OK, I guess that's acceptable. Give a list of the things that are truly bad for the planet. I mean, I'm sure everyone already knows that littering and nuclear waste are bad, but there's no harm in reiterating the fact. I must be daft because the headline on the cover of RS was truly misleading to me. Instead of a list of the things that are just poopy for the planet, there was more of an enemies list of people. I was utterly crestfallen. I just don't appreciate my entertainment magazines focusing on subjects like Barack Obama and global warming. Where are the movie reviews? Where's the Hollywood gossip? Where's Lady Gaga when you need her? The centerfold spread is a 15-page story titled "As the world burns." The whole article is peppered with pictures of Obama, factories spewing filth into the air, mug shots of people who apparently are conspiring to destroy the planet, and of course no global warming piece would be complete without a picture of some cuddly polar bears. Dearest editors of my favorite magazine, your review is 10 out of 10 days living in the Pine Valley mountains just north of St. George, having to shovel your car out of 3 feet of snow every morning, like I did today. Yup. That's global warming for you. But all of that aside, I would like to give a humble review to environMENTALists in general. I've yet to meet a raging green-addict who lives in any rural area of the United States. Every green activist I've met in person, seen on TV or read about lives in a highly-populated area such as Los Angeles or New York City. I can only assume these people think the entire planet is like their cities. I would like to invite any doomsday-predicting, oceans-rising, Al Gore-worshipping environmentalist to spend a week in my little town. Our mountain is turning from green to brown because the pine trees are dying. You'll never guess why. Well, a group of environmentalists whined when an outbreak of tree-killing bark beetles hit Pine Valley. The locals wanted to perform a controlled burn to rid the forest of these killer bugs, and the environmentalists protested. For some reason, the enviro-freaks won, and now the beetle is killing tree after tree. Wow, that one backfired, eh, tree huggers? On a national level, I am constantly thinking about the California farmers who can't produce crops because the clueless greenies found out that a minnow might be endangered because the pumps that distribute water to the crops might be killing them. So what is the solution? Maybe take a bunch of those super-important endangered fish and transplant them to a different location? Wrong. According to the hippies, the only way to solve that problem is to turn off the pumps and kill hundreds and hundreds of acres worth of oxygen-producing plants. Ouch. How does it feel to fight for the planet and in the process end up killing it faster? My dear enviro-psychos, your review is one year having to farm the land and produce crops without the aid of water. Come on now, you magical hemp-lovers, how can you do it? Who knows how many jobs could have been created in the oil business if it weren't such a crime to tap our own resources? Thanks again, hippy folk. The oceans may rise and engulf all of Florida and California (if only), every polar bear in existence could drop dead, and carbon emissions caused by cow farts could increase by 800 percent, and the environmentalists would still kill us faster than global warming ever could.