Vroom, Vroom! Sequel! Sequel!

Disney and Pixar have united again to bring to us what is supposed to be cinematic gold, but it will take at least two more times seeing the film before I can verify if that's true or not.

Let me attempt to recap the plot of "Cars 2" as best as I can.

Rather than Lighting McQueen (Owen Wilson) being the star of the movie, "Cars 2" focused almost exclusively on Mater the tow truck (Larry the Cable Guy).

Mater and the rest of the gang from Radiator Springs are asked to be the pit crew for McQueen's latest excursion: the race to see who is the fastest car in the world.

While at this international hullabaloo, Mater meets a sexy pink car named Holly Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer) and her pal Finn McMissile (Michael Caine).

There was even a short homage to Paul Newman, who voiced Doc Hudson in the original.

And then it becomes a spy movie. And a mystery movie. And an action flick. And yes, there's even a torture scene where a spy car gets blown up. I can only hope the reason for this more adult take on the very cute and classic original is because the audience is about five-six years older than they were when the first "Cars" came out.

But even with all the cast members and plot points in place, I found it extremely hard to figure out what was going on.

The first comprehension blockade came in the form of children—hoards and hoards of screaming children. There was a child who sat right behind me and screamed "Oh no!" after anything that happened on screen. McQueen speeds across a finish line? "Oh no!" Mater thinks wasabi is ice cream and eats it? "Oh no!" A car goes into the women's bathroom instead of the men's by accident? "Oh no!" And this kid had some serious pipes, too.

The sheer amount of screaming children literally ruined the movie for me. I am going to have to see it again because, frankly, I really do love Pixar's films. I think they're smart, funny and well-animated. I'm always impressed with how funny they can be and how they can simultaneously tug at your emotions.

But I didn't get any of that due to the scores of people's offspring who infested the darkened theater like so many popcorn munching, Capri Sun slurping, drop-of-the-hat crying cockroaches.

But seriously, I love kids. Just not other people's kids.

The other reason I found it hard to understand the movie was the theater itself. In addition to keeping the air conditioning off for half the film (despite the hellish temperatures from the multitudes of toddlers and their steaming diapers) the sound of "Cars 2" was seriously displaced.

Our local theater company has a problem with attempting to make dialogue sound as if it's coming straight from the characters.

This means the voices are turned up in the front of the theater, and the background music and sound effects are amped up in the rear. Since this movie is full of James Bond-esque scores and plenty of explosions, then it was next to impossible to hear what any of the characters were saying.

There is a sweet spot in the theater where the sounds all balance out, but it only covers about 10 seats in the middle three rows. If you are stuck in the very back then don't expect to hear or understand any dialogue. Just be prepared to get very familiar with the score.

"Cars 2," I'm deciding whether or not to add you to my friends list. You really look great but I need to get to know you a little better. Let's set up a date and discuss it, but let's get a babysitter first. 

I'm glad they're letting special education kids write scripts. Transform!

Matty is not amused

Well, it certainly was something, but I can't really say what that something was.

I'm not sure why Paramount executives decided to release the third "Transformers" film during the middle of the week. It gets on my nerves a little to try and fit a film into a weekly schedule—especially when said film ends up being like "Dark of the Moon."

I am thoroughly convinced 3-D is ruining movies. It feels like any sort of plot is being sacrificed for special effects when it comes to some of these big summer blockbusters.

This film takes us back to the space race of the ‘60s. Come to find out, America wasn't trying to get to the moon just for giggles. No, we knew something had crashed on the moon, and we had to get to it before the Russians.

And yes, the device that crashed into the moon was a Cybertron spaceship, complete with a super soldier Autobot named Sentinel Prime, voiced by none other than Leonard Nimoy.

Also on the ship were devices capable of transporting things across space. So naturally, the Decepticons want this technology. Luckily though, our Autobot hero from films past, Optimus Prime, was the only one who could revive Sentinel, who in turn was the only being able to control the transportation technology.

If it feels a little convoluted, just know I had to sit through the whole thing thinking exactly that.

Every cast member returned for the movie with the exception of Megan Fox, who I think actually made a good career choice by getting kicked off the cast list.

There were even a few additional characters added in the forms of John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Patrick Dempsey and Ken Jeong.

In the end the movie relied on its special effects to win the day. I wish I could report that the plot and dialogue were winners as well, but I can't, in good conscience, do that. Yes, the effects were awesome. But that was it.

There were many feeble attempts at humor. And yes, there was a line that went: "This is code pink! As in ‘Floyd!'"

Since it was Jeong who said the line, I'm almost willing to give it a pass. But since it wasn't in his "Hangover's" Leslie Chang voice, I just couldn't accept it as humorous.

Sorry Michael Bay, but you're denied a Facebook friendship for this movie. We can still be friends for your first one, though.

Richard has nothing but love

"Transformers: Dark of the Moon" brought conspiracy theories to the next level with a James Bond-caliber plot and a coverup around 45 years in the making.

Shia LaBeouf returns as Sam Witwicky, the quirky teenager turned American hero. We've followed Sam since he was a geeky high school kid in the first "Transformers" movie, and now he's a college graduate trying to find a job. We see from Sam's first scene that he feels lost, even though his new girlfriend, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), does what she can to make Sam feel better, including helping Sam get a job. If you're wondering what happened to Megan Fox, it's explained in the first scene between Sam and Carly.

Just like in the first two movies, the Decepticons manage to reel Sam into the Transformer War, but the problem is much bigger this time. Megatron's plan to take over Earth comes to its full outset. Everything that happened in the first two movies was merely a setup for what Megatron really had in mind.

Everything that characters fear in alien invasion movies happens in "Transformers: Dark of the Moon." The plot was very "Independence Day" meets "007" with a hint of "Die Hard." Instead of James Bond and John McClain we have Optimus Prime.

The only problem I had with the movie was in the final battle. I don't want to say too much because I may give something away, but I felt Michael Bay tarnished a certain Decepticon's legacy by having him killed by a certain human. Again, I feel as though I've said too much, but you'll know who I'm talking about once you see the film.

Bay is known for having tons of explosions and special effects in his movies, and there's no shortage of that in "Transformers: Dark of the Moon." The amount of explosions and special effects in any other movie would have been too much, but this is "Transformers." There are supposed to be huge explosions and epic robot fight scenes.

If you judged the movie on Bay's special effects alone, then it's a five-star movie. He erased the choppiness of the robot fights from the first movie and made the fights last longer than they did in the second movie, including Optimus Prime's final showdown—the Autobot we paid $8 to see in the first place.

I wish I had multiple Facebook accounts because "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" deserves more than one friend request from me. This was the best movie in the "Transformers" trilogy. 

Go, Glitter! Go!

Quick! Grab the most effective tool in our gay arsenal and use it to its full extent! Glitter powers, activate!

I hope that wasn't the line that convinced the army of gay activists to start flinging glitter at Republican presidential candidates. Because frankly, nothing pushes a cause backward like furthering a campy gay stereotype that conjures up images of fairies.

The growing trend among gay activists seeking equal treatment is to ambush proponents of anti-gay legislation and chuck glitter in their faces. Yeah. That will totally work.

Those of you who throw tiny pieces of plastic into the eyes of anyone else are rated six out of seven days bathing in glitter instead of soap and water. This poses a problem because glitter tends to stick to oily parts. On the plus side, though, you'll be a walking disco ball (albeit a smelly one)!

Now I wasn't present at the Fantastically Absolute Benevolent Uber Leaders Of Underappreciated Same-sex'rs meeting, but I am a card-carrying member. I think my absence from this year's FABULOUS summit might have ruptured the sane way in which we protest.

Had I been present, I would have objected to this throwing of twinkles, and not just because of the hazard of glitter being next to impossible to shampoo out of hair. No, I'm against it because if small-minded right-wingers who believe gay people shouldn't be afforded the same rights as everyone else don't take us seriously already, then pitching a handful of pixie bits into their faces sure isn't going to get them to start now!

You can tell my level of exasperation increases by the length of my sentences.

Let's recap this little trend which I will be dubbing "Glitter Lobbing Among Masses."

The first GLAM incident occurred on May 17, when Newt Gingrich and his wife-for-now, Callista, were at a book signing in Minneapolis. You can bet your ruby slippers that when the sparkles were chucked, everyone in the room knew exactly why. Because what says "gay rights" better than fairy dust?

I'm sure Gingrich immediately thought to himself: "Oh my goodness! Glitter! I must now be pro-gay rights!"

I really hope sarcasm translates through print. I really do.

The second GLAMcident was on June 16, when glitter was literally dumped on Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty. This little excursion was executed by Code Pink, the female anti-militant militants who are infamous for their stance against war. But apparently this was a protest in favor of gay rights.

These anti-war gals should take a page from PETA's book: Keep working toward your goal, and don't get sidetracked by shiny things! You don't see PETA stopping their crusades against animal rights to protest the mosque in New York City.

Apparently Code Pink got too bored with Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, and decided to add gay rights to their repertoire. Perhaps the group should change their name to Code Pink Triangle. Just a thought.

And the most recent GLAM, GLAM, thank you ma'am came on June 18, when Minnesota congresswoman Michelle Bachmann was accosted sparkleodiously after a conservative speech.

I guess one good thing will come from at least two of these glitterific attacks. Minnesota is going to be a very sparkly state.

But I have some sad and sorry news for the pixie dust-throwing Tinkerbelles. You're not doing us any favors. Seriously. Put the glitter away. You're going to deplete the rations needed for the Peter Pan float in next year's pride parade.

How do you expect anyone to take you seriously when you prance around showering people with rainbow pieces? How does that prove to the right-wingers that your rights as a human being are just as important as theirs? Trust me on this one. You're being annoying. You're not furthering your cause.

If a Republican came up to your door and slapped you across the face with a Bible, would you look at him or her and say: "You're right! I completely agree with you now!"

We need to kill them with kindness, and most importantly, facts. If you want to express your displeasure with marriage laws, start writing letters and organizing real protests to prove how many voters are with you.

If you want show how many children in foster care could be saved by loving parents if laws were changed to allow same-sex couples to adopt, then start doing a little research and present your findings to the politicians who can do something about it.

Show the public that you are not a prancing fairy whose only weapon is a bag full of Rainbow Bright stars. Show them you have knowledge and fortitude. Save your sparkle showers for recreational events.

And do you know what the most important and potent weapon is? Your vote. Tell those elected officials you disagree with that you are a person with a family and many friends who listen to you. You pay taxes and you vote. And if something isn't done to further your rights as a human being, then you will do everything in your power to vote that official out of office.

Tell that public representative that you will write letters, blog, knock on doors, and educate everyone around you. Let that representative know that your goal is to change as many votes as you can in order to get him or her out of that public position.

Just lay off the glitter, please. You might as well be dressed as Dorothy when you perform GLAM in public places. Don't turn us all into one huge stereotype. Save it for Pride.