Sloppy Speech!

Like, oh my gosh, can you believe how, like, smart and legit this sentence is? Yes, this is the cheerleader we all knew and loved in high school who had something to say about, like, everything, you know? Well, it's a funny little thing, but I've noticed many a person speaking in the same manner here on campus. Pardon me while I throw up in my backpack. First of all, where and when did this manner of speaking become trendy? Who on earth woke up one morning and said: "You know what? I think I would be even more popular if I made myself sound extremely stupid." I've got to rate that particular plucky pioneer with four out of five dimly lit stars to match his or her dimly lit vocabulary. It's just amazing to me that not only do people actually speak this way, but they do so in a collegiate environment. Would somebody please tell me who to blame? I feel I must find the source of this catastrophe and end it once and for all. I will admit, people in grass houses shouldn't fire flaming arrows. I myself have been a victim of the evil vocabu-fairy before, but in my case, it was swearing. When every other word that comes out of your mouth is a swear word, I hate to break the news to you, but it doesn't make you sound a damn bit smarter. Don't tell anybody, but the other day I was at Wal-Mart. While I was walking to my car, I overheard two boys of college age speaking about who knows what. All I heard was "Yeah! And then he f---ing said he was f---ing f---ed off and I was like, what the f---k?" Imagine my pure surprise when I looked over and didn't see the two of them wearing caps and gowns and sporting brand-new doctorate degrees. Here's a news flash boys: You're not impressing anyone. While I am guilty of the swear-monster all too often, I think I may try and tone it down a bit. In my mind I think I am using those words to emphasize my disgust with something, but when they spew out of my mouth, I know it will most likely emphasize others' disgust in me. I think those two men (and I use the term very loosely) in the Wal-Mart parking lot need to have their mouths washed out - with bleach. It may not be the most healthy of reviews, but imagine how white their teeth will be. Now don't think I've forgotten those who love to combine the cheerleader talk with the foul-mouthed trash vocabulary. It's always a perfect storm of expressions when I meet some chick who thinks she's got to make everyone around her believe she's tough and stupid. Don't ask me why, but that has to be the only reason why someone would say something like, "Oh my gosh, she was like, so f---ing retarded, like who the f---k told her to wear her hair like that? That is not f---ing legit." When I hear sentences like that erupting from the mouth of a 5-foot-3-inch girl with a small frame and cute blond hair, it makes me want to turn to the heavens and ask God for the answer as to why such a beautiful creature has such a horribly putrid way of speaking. By the way, that was an actual quote from an actual person I heard while walking across campus. So my dear girl, if you can in fact read, I have a little review for you: For every "like," "legit" and swear word that comes out of your mouth, you should have to have a puss-filled white head suddenly form on that pretty little face of yours. That's actually a review I should give to myself, as well. I think that would put an end to the swearing. I can just imagine our world in the future if this trend continues. "Like, all of your f---ing grades sucked," the college instructor said. "Oh my gosh, like your case is totally legit," the judge said. "What the f---k? We gotta like, pass this bill. It's only the most legit thing that could possibly happen," the president of the United States said. Don't think that it can't happen. Just remember, all of these people will eventually breed, and their children will learn this exact vocabulary. A vacation away from all of this would be like, totally legit right now.