I am so conflicted as to whether “The Green Lantern” was a huge disappointment because of the writing and acting, or because I just never cared for the character.
Unfortunately for DC Comics, “The Green Lantern” was sort of a swing and a miss, especially since it's last hope at successful comic-to-movie adaptations, “Batman," is coming to a close next year. All this while Marvel Comics is boiling over with success.
I felt as if DC is trying to play catch-up to Marvel and its “Avengers” hype. Are they planning on making a “Justice League” movie? If so, will there be subsequent “Wonder Woman,” “Green Arrow” and “Flash” films?
These are all questions that were floating through my head while I watched “The Green Lantern.”
Ryan Reynolds stars as Hal Jordan, a very cliché ne’er-do-well fighter pilot who plays by his own rules. All of this is made even more formulaic because he is trying to be like his pilot father, who died in a flight test when Jordan was 12.
Despite Jordan’s inability to commit to, well, anything, a cosmic green ring chooses him as protector of Earth and the thousands of galaxies surrounding it. Yes, that’s totally a thing in this universe.
Jordan joins thousands of other “Sector Protectors” as a Green Lantern. And all of them fight for intergalactic peace. All of this is disrupted when an evil force long imprisoned on a forgotten planet is suddenly unleashed. And yes, it’s headed toward Earth.
I never really liked Green Lantern in the comic books because his power was pretty cheesy. Every once in a while he would pop up in some vintage book I’d purchase, and I’d see images of giant green boxing gloves and huge glowing green padlocks smattered across the pages. That seemed like a bit of a stretch to me, even for the pages of a comic book.
So I never followed the character and never became familiar with the concept and plot. The villains and allies in the movie were about as recognizable to me as my face is to Ryan Reynolds.
And in addition to all this apathy toward the character, I was forced to swallow a script that was full of bad lines. But hey, maybe if I see it again I’ll change my mind.
All I know is there were lots of girls in the audience who weren’t there to see a comic book action film. Reynolds is pretty much naked the whole movie (only his skin is colored in with CGI black and green). So if that’s your thing, then you’ll probably like this flick.
When it comes to the DC universe, I’ll get excited over “Batman,” even when an actress I despise is playing Catwoman. But I can’t get hyped up about a hero I never cared about to begin with. Despite the mega-effects, 3-D images and perfectly sculpted bodies, this movie just didn’t cut it for me.
Sorry “Green Lantern,” but I’m denying you a Facebook friendship. We may have lots of friends in common, but I just don’t see us working out.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Private Political Parts
The world is rife with Weiner jokes, but this week’s column isn’t going to go there—no matter how easily the puns may come.
Former New York Rep. Anthony Weiner may not have considered his name when he started posting lewd pictures of himself online, but the fact is he did. After serious pressure from Americans and the president himself, Weiner has resigned.
I’m no proponent of posting pictures of yourself online if those pictures don’t include some amount of clothing. I would especially advise against it if your particular career doesn’t include getting naked for money.
I know that seems a little contradictory. “Elected officials” and “naked” seem to go hand-in-hand. But I don’t think it’s an official job description for the position.
Despite Weiner’s life decisions, we will never see if he could have become a great leader. The people of New York have spoken and now a man’s career, and possibly his constituents' lives, are changed forever.
Who knows what’s to become of Weiner now. Perhaps a book deal is in the works, or perhaps an even more lucrative video deal is being mulled over. Whichever it is, there’s no guarantee he won’t have the same amount of power or influence as he did as a legislator.
And really, when you look at Weiner’s voting record, he seems like the perfect representative for New York Democrats!
According to the official vote counting website, govtrack.us, Weiner voted to keep our troops out of the unstable Libya conflict, to limit the amount of power Homeland Security wields, and to help our Veterans through legislation. If that doesn’t bleed donkey blue, I don’t know what does.
But New York voters decided none of that mattered. Despite his liberal voting record, the people chose to judge him on his private parts.
Although I’m arguing against Weiner stepping down because of a sexting scandal, I’m not going to allow him to get through this column unscathed. I’m not a Republican, and I’m certainly not a Democrat, so I’m always finding things I don’t agree with. I see many of Weiner’s votes that I think are just ridiculous.
For voting “Yea” on H.R. 1954, an implementation on a national higher debt ceiling, I must rate Weiner with four out of five years having a new first name: Richard. You finish that joke in your head because like I stated before: I’m not going there.
If the people are going to demand an official step down from office, it should be for reasons of voting and political action, not for reasons of private affairs.
I’ve had this mode of thinking for as long as I can remember.
I was 16 years old when the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal was going down, and I remember thinking: “Isn’t this guy a good president? Why is everyone so hung up on his personal life? Shouldn’t we be more concerned with how he’s running the country?”
We can debate Clinton until we’re blue. The truth is he was a good president, but citizens and congress thought this act of marriage defiance was reason enough to impeach him.
I know, I know. He lied under oath. But if he hadn’t done that, the Republicans would have found another way to use the scandal against him.
It hasn’t been until the last few decades that politicians were scrutinized for their private lives. I would like to think Americans would rather see an elected official impeached for something horrible and totally relevant to that person’s job.
For example: Richard Nixon’s little fiasco. Now there was a reason to get a guy out of office!
For that whole mess, Nixon gets the review of being reprinted in the history books as Richard Weiner.
It should be for those reasons, and those reasons alone, that men and women get kicked out of office. A president breaking into an opponent’s headquarters: bad. A man trying to get lucky on the Internet: not relevant.
Just imagine if we as a country were this judgmental historically. I don’t even need to explain what would have become of John F. Kennedy. Today he is regarded as one of the nation’s most influential leaders. But what if Americans judged him on his private actions? Go ahead and mull over that rhetorical question for a minute.
There’s dozens of names that could be dragged through the political mud pit, including Franklin D. Roosevelt’s wife, Eleanor, for signs of lesbianism; Andrew Jackson, America’s seventh president, for partying too hard; and even the drafter of our Constitution, Thomas Jefferson, for having affairs with his slaves.
But F.D.R. helped America through the Great Depression and WWII, Andrew Jackson was the only president to pay off the national debt and leave the country in the black, and Thomas Jefferson, well, was a founding father!
Who knows how America might have been affected had any of these leaders been ousted because of their private lives.
We definitely wouldn’t have those two familiar faces on the $20 bill, the nickel and the ever-popular $2 bill. And the musical “Annie” would be drastically altered.
Should we examine each political official’s public actions with a microscope? Yes. But should we spend our time peering through that microscope at each official’s private lives? No. We’re wasting our time if we do. We need to be scrutinizing politicians for how their actions affect our lives—not how their actions affect their lives.
Former New York Rep. Anthony Weiner may not have considered his name when he started posting lewd pictures of himself online, but the fact is he did. After serious pressure from Americans and the president himself, Weiner has resigned.
I’m no proponent of posting pictures of yourself online if those pictures don’t include some amount of clothing. I would especially advise against it if your particular career doesn’t include getting naked for money.
I know that seems a little contradictory. “Elected officials” and “naked” seem to go hand-in-hand. But I don’t think it’s an official job description for the position.
Despite Weiner’s life decisions, we will never see if he could have become a great leader. The people of New York have spoken and now a man’s career, and possibly his constituents' lives, are changed forever.
Who knows what’s to become of Weiner now. Perhaps a book deal is in the works, or perhaps an even more lucrative video deal is being mulled over. Whichever it is, there’s no guarantee he won’t have the same amount of power or influence as he did as a legislator.
And really, when you look at Weiner’s voting record, he seems like the perfect representative for New York Democrats!
According to the official vote counting website, govtrack.us, Weiner voted to keep our troops out of the unstable Libya conflict, to limit the amount of power Homeland Security wields, and to help our Veterans through legislation. If that doesn’t bleed donkey blue, I don’t know what does.
But New York voters decided none of that mattered. Despite his liberal voting record, the people chose to judge him on his private parts.
Although I’m arguing against Weiner stepping down because of a sexting scandal, I’m not going to allow him to get through this column unscathed. I’m not a Republican, and I’m certainly not a Democrat, so I’m always finding things I don’t agree with. I see many of Weiner’s votes that I think are just ridiculous.
For voting “Yea” on H.R. 1954, an implementation on a national higher debt ceiling, I must rate Weiner with four out of five years having a new first name: Richard. You finish that joke in your head because like I stated before: I’m not going there.
If the people are going to demand an official step down from office, it should be for reasons of voting and political action, not for reasons of private affairs.
I’ve had this mode of thinking for as long as I can remember.
I was 16 years old when the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal was going down, and I remember thinking: “Isn’t this guy a good president? Why is everyone so hung up on his personal life? Shouldn’t we be more concerned with how he’s running the country?”
We can debate Clinton until we’re blue. The truth is he was a good president, but citizens and congress thought this act of marriage defiance was reason enough to impeach him.
I know, I know. He lied under oath. But if he hadn’t done that, the Republicans would have found another way to use the scandal against him.
It hasn’t been until the last few decades that politicians were scrutinized for their private lives. I would like to think Americans would rather see an elected official impeached for something horrible and totally relevant to that person’s job.
For example: Richard Nixon’s little fiasco. Now there was a reason to get a guy out of office!
For that whole mess, Nixon gets the review of being reprinted in the history books as Richard Weiner.
It should be for those reasons, and those reasons alone, that men and women get kicked out of office. A president breaking into an opponent’s headquarters: bad. A man trying to get lucky on the Internet: not relevant.
Just imagine if we as a country were this judgmental historically. I don’t even need to explain what would have become of John F. Kennedy. Today he is regarded as one of the nation’s most influential leaders. But what if Americans judged him on his private actions? Go ahead and mull over that rhetorical question for a minute.
There’s dozens of names that could be dragged through the political mud pit, including Franklin D. Roosevelt’s wife, Eleanor, for signs of lesbianism; Andrew Jackson, America’s seventh president, for partying too hard; and even the drafter of our Constitution, Thomas Jefferson, for having affairs with his slaves.
But F.D.R. helped America through the Great Depression and WWII, Andrew Jackson was the only president to pay off the national debt and leave the country in the black, and Thomas Jefferson, well, was a founding father!
Who knows how America might have been affected had any of these leaders been ousted because of their private lives.
We definitely wouldn’t have those two familiar faces on the $20 bill, the nickel and the ever-popular $2 bill. And the musical “Annie” would be drastically altered.
Should we examine each political official’s public actions with a microscope? Yes. But should we spend our time peering through that microscope at each official’s private lives? No. We’re wasting our time if we do. We need to be scrutinizing politicians for how their actions affect our lives—not how their actions affect their lives.
The Book Of Mormon, Baby.
Oh Broadway, you seem to be more prevalent than ever these days, and if you can't sell us tickets with fabulous songs, then at least you can cash in on pure bad taste.
Not that bad taste is a horrible thing, mind you. I'm not in the business of bashing art that many would deem inappropriate. I say if it's smart and funny, then let it be. Heck, I'm even a proponent of trash that isn't that smart. Filmmaker John Waters is on my top five list of most fabulous directors of all time! (See "Pink Flamingos" very last if you've never seen a Waters film—it truly is offensive.)
I want to give a small review to Waters.
I award him 10 out of 10 overweight drag queens and a month-long stint locked inside an aging movie theater watching only Joan Crawford's worst films. "Straight Jacket" and "Berserk" come to mind. This may sound like a negative review to you, but I'm almost positive it would be akin Christmas morning for Waters.
But I digress because I'm not focusing on film today. No, I'm talking about the oldest profession in the world: acting (performing for money; you know—prostitution).
The latest hit in the Big Apple is the musical "The Book of Mormon." If you haven't heard of this Tony award-winning phenomenon, then you must live electricity-free in the Ozarks and make a living selling moonshine.
"The Book of Mormon" was nominated for 14 Tonys and won nine of them. It beat out "The Producers" for most Tony nominations by two nods. Something tells me this show is pretty good.
I'm too poor to actually fly to New York City and see "The Book of Mormon" live, but I promptly purchased the soundtrack to this theatrical masterpiece the second it was available on iTunes.
The script and music were a collaboration between "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and "Avenue Q" lyricist Robert Lopez. Needless to say, the music and lyrics are purely offensive—especially when taken out of context. Oh, and there's the whole making fun of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints thing.
I played a song for my significant other that sounds like it jumped right out of "The Lion King." However, the lyrics detailed the horrors of African life: poverty, war, infant raping and AIDS (all very real issues in many parts of Africa). But the tune is a bouncing ditty similar to "Hakuna Matata."
Only instead of "no worries," the African people in Uganda (where the two star Mormon missionaries are sent) are singing "F-word you God."
They sing this song because their lives suck more than anything we could possibly imagine. Warlords and female circumcision are not an average American issue. But to Africans, those issues are dealt with every day.
My spouse was very, very not amused.
And so are a lot of Mormons, I've noticed!
I've heard LDS people on the news call the show "blasphemy." Well, I hate to be the one to point this out, but I think that's what the show's creators were going for. And in their attempt at shock value, they've effectively become the nation's biggest current Broadway show!
The cast of "Wicked" must be throwing a witch fit right now.
If we LDS people haven't figured out a way to have a sense of humor about ourselves now, then there's just no hope left.
If anything, Mormons should be flattered!
Only in my wildest dreams would there ever be a satirical masterpiece written about me. It would prove to the world I'm important enough to make fun of, but also nice enough to allow the satire in the first place. I'd hate to see the backlash if there was ever a Broadway musical titled "The Quran" (although, I don't see that really being a comedy, either).
The religion portrayed in the musical itself, while grossly inaccurate, shows LDS members as being ridiculously kind to all people, no matter who they are. Seeing the lead character portrayed on the stage at this year's Tonys made me see how others possibly perceive the LDS folk.
The Tony performance summed up the Mormons pretty well, I thought.
Elder Price, who is brought to life by actor Andrew Rannells, belted "I Believe!" at the top of his lungs to a group of African militants and a warlord while they pointed their guns at him. In the face of certain death he grabbed the warlord's hand and tried (unsuccessfully) to dance with him.
How could any person of the Mormon faith say that isn't the essence of LDS values? Love one another. Even if the other is armed and dangerous.
Mormons who live their lives just like Elder Price get six out of seven days to construct their own perfect planet. Take that seventh day and rest. You deserve it.
Unfortunately the world is full of holier than thou types of people. It doesn't matter what you say or who you say it to, someone is going to be offended. Looking over the annals of The Skewed Review certainly proves that.
I'm waiting with baited breath for the Mormon picket lines.
I would like to say to those easily offended LDS peeps, and to everyone else who gets offended as well: Get a sense of humor, gosh darn it! If God didn't want us to make fun of each other, he wouldn't have programmed sarcasm and a sense of irony into our very souls.
I believe—that is, I hope—that God will judge us on our senses of humor. Those who can dish it and laugh at themselves just as much will get a instant front row seat to the Broadway production of "Eternity in Heaven: An Angel's Hilarious Story."
Do you have to agree with everything about "The Book of Mormon?" No. And this goes for both the musical and the actual publication. But can we all agree that both of them are great in different ways? I think so.
One will make you laugh out loud, and the other is a Tony-award winning musical.
If you didn't laugh at that, I'm sorry, but you don't get front row seats.
Since this debate is sure to continue as time goes by, The Skewed Review will keep updating with tidbits of snarkolepsy (you know, that thing where I write stuff without realizing what I'm writing).
Follow on Twitter @SkewedReview and "like" The Skewed Review on Facebook to get in on the conversation!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Hate me. I love you anyway.
I have never seen the amount of un-violent segregation that’s gripped this country than the amount that’s happening now.
Yes, it’s true there are still some racial tensions between some people who have yet to realize that human life is a precious thing--no matter how ebony or ivory they are. They just need to listen to more Stevie Wonder, I guess.
And I don’t think the bickering between religions will ever end (but just for the record, my God could totally beat up your God).
The serious segregation I’m seeing today is a political one: You’re either conservative or your liberal, and you’d better stay with your assigned flock. Or else.
The upside to today’s society is that everyone, no matter which aisle of the political seesaw you find yourself on, has the same rights afforded to us by the government: Do what makes you happy as long as Capital Hill says it’s OK (and give them all your money, too).
This political split is turning brother against brother now, and it’s breaking my heart. People can be getting along perfectly. They’ll have everything in the world in common.
“You like Lady Gaga? So do I! You think modern Broadway productions are indiscernible from each other these days? Hey, me too! You’re ticked off because Hulu Plus makes you pay to watch shows on your iPad, but it doesn’t offer all the shows available on a regular computer at Hulu.com for free? What do you know, it’s one of my pet peeves too! You’re a staunch Republican who believes marriage is between a man and a woman, and you think anyone who believes otherwise is going to hell?
Well, it was interesting to meet you. Goodbye forever.”
This was an actual conversation that I just made up.
Sure, it’s a bit extreme, but it’s the way we are living now. We may have every aspect of our lives in common with another person, but if you happen to be a bleeding heart liberal, and I am a conservative looking to balance a few budgets, the two of us might as well be Israel and Pakistan.
By the way, I use that reference to illustrate how alike the Jewish and Muslim faiths and lifestyles actually are--yet they hate each other anyway.
While I’m on the subject, I’ve got a little review for the Middle East. For setting a super bad example to the rest of the world, I’m rating you with four out of five really long hugs from the biggest and cuddliest teddy bear on earth. I hope it softens your hearts just a smidge.
Also, may the ghost of Shakespeare materialize in some form and cast a spell of love on that little Muslim boy and young Jewish girl. Let them relive the greatest story ever told: “West Side Story.” Perhaps both houses will see the follies of their ways once their children fall in love.
Maybe it could even end without the double suicide! (Sorry for the spoiler alert, folks.)
In America, however, we don’t kill each other for having different beliefs (usually). Instead we treat those around us who have differing points of view as if they are the bottom most wrung on the ladder of life.
I would like to present an actual incidence that I didn’t make up.
A long time ago, in many Skewed Reviews far, far away, I wrote about my disappointment with his current majesty and omnipotent god-like ruler, Ba-Rock Hu-Star Oh-Bombshell. That nickname would work so much better if Obama were a blonde, white female. But that’s beside the point.
I truly had buyer’s remorse, and I felt my vote was wasted when it was cast for Mr. Cheery-O. He seemed to not only do anything he promised on the campaign trail, but also began flaunting a lavish lifestyle that Marie Antoinette would be jealous of!
This made all my liberal friends mad at me. How could I dare even utter that God’s second son was not a good president? Why on earth would I write such scathing reviews about his policies and long-windedness? Why on Buddha’s green earth would I have the nerve to come up with all those clever nicknames?
Yes, I lost many a liberal pal after my many, many, many anti Barack O-blame-ya-if-you-don’t-agree-with-me reviews. See? Segregation!
But on March 31, Barack Halo Obama signed a proclamation stating that discrimination against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people should be abolished, and the month of June be henceforth known as LGBT Pride Month. The whole happy ditty can be read ***here.*** [ http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Presidential-Proclamation-LGBT-Pride-Month/ ]
I rejoiced, of course. But suddenly I noticed conservative Republican types who were once my friends started to create a distance from themselves and me, despite our long history of camaraderie.
So, essentially, because BarackHusseinObamalisticexpialidocious effectively did something that made me regret voting for him a whole lot less, the friends I once had who identify themselves as far-to-the-right Republicans were suddenly treating me as though I have leprosy.
My ear falling off was completely unrelated to Hansen’s Disease. I was just having sympathy pains when I saw a Van Gouge painting recently. But back to what I was saying.
I’m just like Lake Mead: dammed if I do, and dammed if I don’t.
Come on, people! We might as well just start having drinking fountains that say “Conservative” and “Liberal” above them. I can’t believe that we as Americans are at a point in our country’s great history where something as ridiculous as politics creates a wedge between people who would otherwise be besties until The Rapture actually happens!
Luckily, I have the solution. I know you’re probably thinking: “Hey, this is The Skewed Review. All his solutions have to do with substance of pure nonsensicality. Unicorns wearing ruby slippers and finding out exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop isn’t going to solve anything.”
If you’re thinking that, then you read my column often. Thanks! But I’m pretty sure I have a real solution here, and if people are willing to listen and try it out then I’m sure we can all get to at least a happier plane of existence.
I had the glorious fortune to be a small part of a recent celebration of diversity here in southern Utah. One of the keynote speakers at this fundraiser was Winn Claybaugh, motivational speaker and co-owner of the Paul Mitchell school of hair design.
He told us that we need to stop expecting to be loved by everyone else for who we are. We need to love all those people for who they are, instead.
I had to put this theory to the test with family members and friends who don’t think LGBT people should have the same rights as straight folk. I also put this little plan into action with my liberal Obama-loving buddies who still think my disagreement with their savior is pure blasphemy. You can slap me across the face with an endangered desert tortoise if it didn’t work.
I found that by loving, instead of being expected to be loved, I was rewarded by kind disagreements instead of vicious debates.
I hope and pray (to my stronger God, in case you forgot) that we can apply those same rules to not only our political views, but to every conflict we may encounter with those we love, and those we need to learn to love.
Now excuse me while I print this letter out and mail it to every country in the Middle East.
Yes, it’s true there are still some racial tensions between some people who have yet to realize that human life is a precious thing--no matter how ebony or ivory they are. They just need to listen to more Stevie Wonder, I guess.
And I don’t think the bickering between religions will ever end (but just for the record, my God could totally beat up your God).
The serious segregation I’m seeing today is a political one: You’re either conservative or your liberal, and you’d better stay with your assigned flock. Or else.
The upside to today’s society is that everyone, no matter which aisle of the political seesaw you find yourself on, has the same rights afforded to us by the government: Do what makes you happy as long as Capital Hill says it’s OK (and give them all your money, too).
This political split is turning brother against brother now, and it’s breaking my heart. People can be getting along perfectly. They’ll have everything in the world in common.
“You like Lady Gaga? So do I! You think modern Broadway productions are indiscernible from each other these days? Hey, me too! You’re ticked off because Hulu Plus makes you pay to watch shows on your iPad, but it doesn’t offer all the shows available on a regular computer at Hulu.com for free? What do you know, it’s one of my pet peeves too! You’re a staunch Republican who believes marriage is between a man and a woman, and you think anyone who believes otherwise is going to hell?
Well, it was interesting to meet you. Goodbye forever.”
This was an actual conversation that I just made up.
Sure, it’s a bit extreme, but it’s the way we are living now. We may have every aspect of our lives in common with another person, but if you happen to be a bleeding heart liberal, and I am a conservative looking to balance a few budgets, the two of us might as well be Israel and Pakistan.
By the way, I use that reference to illustrate how alike the Jewish and Muslim faiths and lifestyles actually are--yet they hate each other anyway.
While I’m on the subject, I’ve got a little review for the Middle East. For setting a super bad example to the rest of the world, I’m rating you with four out of five really long hugs from the biggest and cuddliest teddy bear on earth. I hope it softens your hearts just a smidge.
Also, may the ghost of Shakespeare materialize in some form and cast a spell of love on that little Muslim boy and young Jewish girl. Let them relive the greatest story ever told: “West Side Story.” Perhaps both houses will see the follies of their ways once their children fall in love.
Maybe it could even end without the double suicide! (Sorry for the spoiler alert, folks.)
In America, however, we don’t kill each other for having different beliefs (usually). Instead we treat those around us who have differing points of view as if they are the bottom most wrung on the ladder of life.
I would like to present an actual incidence that I didn’t make up.
A long time ago, in many Skewed Reviews far, far away, I wrote about my disappointment with his current majesty and omnipotent god-like ruler, Ba-Rock Hu-Star Oh-Bombshell. That nickname would work so much better if Obama were a blonde, white female. But that’s beside the point.
I truly had buyer’s remorse, and I felt my vote was wasted when it was cast for Mr. Cheery-O. He seemed to not only do anything he promised on the campaign trail, but also began flaunting a lavish lifestyle that Marie Antoinette would be jealous of!
This made all my liberal friends mad at me. How could I dare even utter that God’s second son was not a good president? Why on earth would I write such scathing reviews about his policies and long-windedness? Why on Buddha’s green earth would I have the nerve to come up with all those clever nicknames?
Yes, I lost many a liberal pal after my many, many, many anti Barack O-blame-ya-if-you-don’t-agree-with-me reviews. See? Segregation!
But on March 31, Barack Halo Obama signed a proclamation stating that discrimination against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people should be abolished, and the month of June be henceforth known as LGBT Pride Month. The whole happy ditty can be read ***here.*** [ http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Presidential-Proclamation-LGBT-Pride-Month/ ]
I rejoiced, of course. But suddenly I noticed conservative Republican types who were once my friends started to create a distance from themselves and me, despite our long history of camaraderie.
So, essentially, because BarackHusseinObamalisticexpialidocious effectively did something that made me regret voting for him a whole lot less, the friends I once had who identify themselves as far-to-the-right Republicans were suddenly treating me as though I have leprosy.
My ear falling off was completely unrelated to Hansen’s Disease. I was just having sympathy pains when I saw a Van Gouge painting recently. But back to what I was saying.
I’m just like Lake Mead: dammed if I do, and dammed if I don’t.
Come on, people! We might as well just start having drinking fountains that say “Conservative” and “Liberal” above them. I can’t believe that we as Americans are at a point in our country’s great history where something as ridiculous as politics creates a wedge between people who would otherwise be besties until The Rapture actually happens!
Luckily, I have the solution. I know you’re probably thinking: “Hey, this is The Skewed Review. All his solutions have to do with substance of pure nonsensicality. Unicorns wearing ruby slippers and finding out exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop isn’t going to solve anything.”
If you’re thinking that, then you read my column often. Thanks! But I’m pretty sure I have a real solution here, and if people are willing to listen and try it out then I’m sure we can all get to at least a happier plane of existence.
I had the glorious fortune to be a small part of a recent celebration of diversity here in southern Utah. One of the keynote speakers at this fundraiser was Winn Claybaugh, motivational speaker and co-owner of the Paul Mitchell school of hair design.
He told us that we need to stop expecting to be loved by everyone else for who we are. We need to love all those people for who they are, instead.
I had to put this theory to the test with family members and friends who don’t think LGBT people should have the same rights as straight folk. I also put this little plan into action with my liberal Obama-loving buddies who still think my disagreement with their savior is pure blasphemy. You can slap me across the face with an endangered desert tortoise if it didn’t work.
I found that by loving, instead of being expected to be loved, I was rewarded by kind disagreements instead of vicious debates.
I hope and pray (to my stronger God, in case you forgot) that we can apply those same rules to not only our political views, but to every conflict we may encounter with those we love, and those we need to learn to love.
Now excuse me while I print this letter out and mail it to every country in the Middle East.
He Could Trump Them All!
He's known for his vast building empire, his oh-so-mesmerizing quaff, and firing people on national TV.
Yes, Donald Trump has been last-naming his competition for years, and he's known for making the right business moves at exactly the right time. This includes filing bankrupt in order to reset any psychotic contracts that may have been driving those businesses into the ground.
His grasp is endless—he even has his own line of neck ties. The guy really does have it all. Except for one thing: the presidency.
We're at that stage of "will he, won't he," and it's starting to look as if he might not take the commander in chief route this year. I find that quite depressing.
Fine, I'll admit even though I've been known to bash the reality TV market, I was once a "Celebrity Apprentice" addict. I would tune in every week to root for Joan Rivers and laugh at the so-called business ventures each of the celebrities attempted to undertake.
But when all is said and done and his multiple wives have been swept out of the picture, The Donald is a shrewd businessman, and I think America could benefit from someone who takes absolutely no guff from anyone. Not even Sharon Osbourne.
That's why I would vote for Trump.
It's unfortunate that his reality series has put him in the position he's currently in. Right now he couldn't possibly hope to garner enough votes to even win the Republican candidacy, let alone the presidential race. His running would be akin to California gubernatorial elections that featured Gary Coleman, Mary Carey, Larry Flynt and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Only in California could The Governator be successful in his campaign. The rest of America isn't like California, though (celebrity elections aside, that's a good thing).
Trump should get all the past California nominees for governor to appear in his next season of "Celebrity Apprentice." I might just watch. Exempting Gary Coleman, of course.
I would rate that show four out of five mystery comb-overs that would turn into an instant security pit bull out for blood every time the phrase "you're fired" is uttered.
But it's that darn reality show that would keep citizens from ever taking him seriously.
People are looking at the gimmick used to boost ratings—not at the prowess of a man who could possibly start to mend the financial issues our country is suffering right now.
Plus, wouldn't it be awesome if he decided to make the White House 70 stories higher and plate it with gold?
This man knows business. He's not some bleeding heart who would be more willing to take money from those who earned it and give it to people who don't have much and are not worthy of getting free stuff.
I'll never turn my nose up at certain social programs. Medicaid saved my life once, and darned if I haven't taken advantage of the food stamp program during my starving student years (although now the state of Utah has now prohibited full-time college students from food stamp eligibility, and I'm not exactly sure why).
I just wonder if Trump could push our nation in the right direction so eventually we can regain the funds we need to continue social programs such as Medicaid and food stamps.
But at the rate we're going now, we might as well all start mimicking that friend we all have who never seems to have a job and whose food/gas/shelter you always seem to be paying for.
Because we're going to dry up pretty quickly.
I wouldn't even care if he was a one-term president. I honestly believe he could make fiscal progress in four years. Then we can hand the country back over to someone responsible enough to keep the progress going.
Trump's campaign slogan could be, "Cash You Can Believe In," which is a nice step up from the now hackneyed "Change You Can Believe In."
He may even decide to urge certain automobile companies to file for bankruptcy in order to reset the union contracts that are bleeding their companies dry.
And in addition to that perk, we would get to see him all the time, pouting while he talks. We would be a don't-blink nation in watch of some hairdo malfunction that would reveal the skin hidden beneath.
That's right. Move over, Janet Jackson.
There's even a plus side for those of you who hate "Celebrity Apprentice": a President would never have time to do a reality show, and even if he did, the public would hardly support it (unless it's B to the Rock Obama). So guess what would ultimately go off the air? That's right. We wouldn't hear "you're fired" again.
If you saw the White House Correspondence Dinner last week, you would have noticed the ribbing Trump took from both Obama and "Saturday Night Live's" Seth Meyers. We as a nation could be doing that on a daily basis!
Oh, The Skewed Reviews I could write! He has so many quirks that he's almost just a walking bullseye. But in the end, it would have been his savvy business sense that would be important.
So, Donny my boy, maybe the next time around you really will launch an exploratory committee. But do the nation a solid: Don't pull a "where's your birth certificate" again because it only made you look like a loon.
Yes, Donald Trump has been last-naming his competition for years, and he's known for making the right business moves at exactly the right time. This includes filing bankrupt in order to reset any psychotic contracts that may have been driving those businesses into the ground.
His grasp is endless—he even has his own line of neck ties. The guy really does have it all. Except for one thing: the presidency.
We're at that stage of "will he, won't he," and it's starting to look as if he might not take the commander in chief route this year. I find that quite depressing.
Fine, I'll admit even though I've been known to bash the reality TV market, I was once a "Celebrity Apprentice" addict. I would tune in every week to root for Joan Rivers and laugh at the so-called business ventures each of the celebrities attempted to undertake.
But when all is said and done and his multiple wives have been swept out of the picture, The Donald is a shrewd businessman, and I think America could benefit from someone who takes absolutely no guff from anyone. Not even Sharon Osbourne.
That's why I would vote for Trump.
It's unfortunate that his reality series has put him in the position he's currently in. Right now he couldn't possibly hope to garner enough votes to even win the Republican candidacy, let alone the presidential race. His running would be akin to California gubernatorial elections that featured Gary Coleman, Mary Carey, Larry Flynt and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Only in California could The Governator be successful in his campaign. The rest of America isn't like California, though (celebrity elections aside, that's a good thing).
Trump should get all the past California nominees for governor to appear in his next season of "Celebrity Apprentice." I might just watch. Exempting Gary Coleman, of course.
I would rate that show four out of five mystery comb-overs that would turn into an instant security pit bull out for blood every time the phrase "you're fired" is uttered.
But it's that darn reality show that would keep citizens from ever taking him seriously.
People are looking at the gimmick used to boost ratings—not at the prowess of a man who could possibly start to mend the financial issues our country is suffering right now.
Plus, wouldn't it be awesome if he decided to make the White House 70 stories higher and plate it with gold?
This man knows business. He's not some bleeding heart who would be more willing to take money from those who earned it and give it to people who don't have much and are not worthy of getting free stuff.
I'll never turn my nose up at certain social programs. Medicaid saved my life once, and darned if I haven't taken advantage of the food stamp program during my starving student years (although now the state of Utah has now prohibited full-time college students from food stamp eligibility, and I'm not exactly sure why).
I just wonder if Trump could push our nation in the right direction so eventually we can regain the funds we need to continue social programs such as Medicaid and food stamps.
But at the rate we're going now, we might as well all start mimicking that friend we all have who never seems to have a job and whose food/gas/shelter you always seem to be paying for.
Because we're going to dry up pretty quickly.
I wouldn't even care if he was a one-term president. I honestly believe he could make fiscal progress in four years. Then we can hand the country back over to someone responsible enough to keep the progress going.
Trump's campaign slogan could be, "Cash You Can Believe In," which is a nice step up from the now hackneyed "Change You Can Believe In."
He may even decide to urge certain automobile companies to file for bankruptcy in order to reset the union contracts that are bleeding their companies dry.
And in addition to that perk, we would get to see him all the time, pouting while he talks. We would be a don't-blink nation in watch of some hairdo malfunction that would reveal the skin hidden beneath.
That's right. Move over, Janet Jackson.
There's even a plus side for those of you who hate "Celebrity Apprentice": a President would never have time to do a reality show, and even if he did, the public would hardly support it (unless it's B to the Rock Obama). So guess what would ultimately go off the air? That's right. We wouldn't hear "you're fired" again.
If you saw the White House Correspondence Dinner last week, you would have noticed the ribbing Trump took from both Obama and "Saturday Night Live's" Seth Meyers. We as a nation could be doing that on a daily basis!
Oh, The Skewed Reviews I could write! He has so many quirks that he's almost just a walking bullseye. But in the end, it would have been his savvy business sense that would be important.
So, Donny my boy, maybe the next time around you really will launch an exploratory committee. But do the nation a solid: Don't pull a "where's your birth certificate" again because it only made you look like a loon.
A Royal Pain IN The Butt
There's war in Afghanistan, war in Libya, war between political parties, and Donald Trump might run for president (see the next installment of "The Skewed Review")
But at least we can all rally around Kate No-Longer-In-The-Middle-ton, and Prince Will-He-Go-Bald-Or-Not. That's right. It's another royal wedding that takes place in a country where royalty has no real authority.
So I'm trying to understand the logistics of why the United States is so obsessed with a couple of ceremonially royal representatives who, with no offense to the Brits, could just as easily end up like Chuck and Di before them.
I just don't understand why the world is behaving as if the future of civilization itself is dependent upon a young woman's marriage to a prince who was fortunate enough to look like his mother when he was young, but unfortunate enough to look more and more like his father each day.
Don't they know celebrity marriages never last?
Before I get to the obsession by everyone who has no benefit from being obsessed, I'm rating the entire British procession of A-list chicks for their variety of interesting hats. I mean, honestly! It looked like I was watching the Ascot scene in "My Fair Lady."
So I give them five out of five skin-tight Audrey Hepburn black and white frilly frocks and permission to yell: "Come on Dover! Move your bloody arse!"
But let me get back to my point. Is this whole royal wedding business just some silly deterrent for all the chaos in the world today? Or are millions of women worldwide hoping to someday fetch an heir to the throne themselves?
I have to wonder if there would be this much pomp and circumstance if Sasha Obama were to get married tomorrow. Well, it would definitely make some serious New York Post headlines, considering she's only 10 years old.
But in this economy, I speculate that Americans would frown upon a gigantic wedding for the daughter of our dictator, er, I mean President. I can just hear Rush Limbaugh right now: "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there was more than six yards of Chinese silk used in her now royal highness's train. You can bet that silk was paid for by your tax dollars! There's your government at work for you right now!"
Frankly, I'm surprised the English folk don't get more up in arms over the costs of these weddings, especially since the people getting married aren't leaders at all. These princes and princesses get to dress in the finest of clothes, arrive in the best of vehicles, and get treated like, well, royalty! And who pays for it all? The English tax payers.
I can't believe how much this is bugging me.
But, since I know we've all got much more important things to do (like verify Barack Obama's birth certificate!), I'll keep this Skewed Review short and let you enjoy your summer.
I would just like to remind everyone that the entire world is hurting right now, but we are celebrating lavish weddings that are paid for by the very people who are hurting the most financially.
Obama must be loving this because for once the fiscal microscope isn't focused on his quadrupling of the national deficit.
Thanks for the distraction, William and Kate! See you at the divorce!
But at least we can all rally around Kate No-Longer-In-The-Middle-ton, and Prince Will-He-Go-Bald-Or-Not. That's right. It's another royal wedding that takes place in a country where royalty has no real authority.
So I'm trying to understand the logistics of why the United States is so obsessed with a couple of ceremonially royal representatives who, with no offense to the Brits, could just as easily end up like Chuck and Di before them.
I just don't understand why the world is behaving as if the future of civilization itself is dependent upon a young woman's marriage to a prince who was fortunate enough to look like his mother when he was young, but unfortunate enough to look more and more like his father each day.
Don't they know celebrity marriages never last?
Before I get to the obsession by everyone who has no benefit from being obsessed, I'm rating the entire British procession of A-list chicks for their variety of interesting hats. I mean, honestly! It looked like I was watching the Ascot scene in "My Fair Lady."
So I give them five out of five skin-tight Audrey Hepburn black and white frilly frocks and permission to yell: "Come on Dover! Move your bloody arse!"
But let me get back to my point. Is this whole royal wedding business just some silly deterrent for all the chaos in the world today? Or are millions of women worldwide hoping to someday fetch an heir to the throne themselves?
I have to wonder if there would be this much pomp and circumstance if Sasha Obama were to get married tomorrow. Well, it would definitely make some serious New York Post headlines, considering she's only 10 years old.
But in this economy, I speculate that Americans would frown upon a gigantic wedding for the daughter of our dictator, er, I mean President. I can just hear Rush Limbaugh right now: "Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there was more than six yards of Chinese silk used in her now royal highness's train. You can bet that silk was paid for by your tax dollars! There's your government at work for you right now!"
Frankly, I'm surprised the English folk don't get more up in arms over the costs of these weddings, especially since the people getting married aren't leaders at all. These princes and princesses get to dress in the finest of clothes, arrive in the best of vehicles, and get treated like, well, royalty! And who pays for it all? The English tax payers.
I can't believe how much this is bugging me.
But, since I know we've all got much more important things to do (like verify Barack Obama's birth certificate!), I'll keep this Skewed Review short and let you enjoy your summer.
I would just like to remind everyone that the entire world is hurting right now, but we are celebrating lavish weddings that are paid for by the very people who are hurting the most financially.
Obama must be loving this because for once the fiscal microscope isn't focused on his quadrupling of the national deficit.
Thanks for the distraction, William and Kate! See you at the divorce!
Reality TV Ruins Reality
Reality TV is the signal of the beginning of the end of humanity as we know it.
I can feel it in my heart. Everything that's wrong with our world today can be found, and magnified, through reality TV. Not only are we glued to our flat screen HDTVs, but we are also pretty much paying people to destroy each other for our own amusement.
Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah. Rome. Right before it fell.
Only instead of pitting lions against Christians or gladiators against Russell Crowe, we're pitting rich housewives against their frienemies, and drunken Snookies against beach-side police officers.
Oh, my dear Snooki, I have a little review for you: Seven out of seven pickle-less days cleaning up your own vomit from the coast of New Jersey. Wait, I don't think that would be enough time. Better change those days into years.
In the end, who's the winner in all of this?
Guess what? It's not you, and it's not me. We may think we're being entertained by their stupidity, and we'll console ourselves by saying things like, "‘Jersey Shore' makes me feel better about myself because I'm not that drunk/stupid/promiscuous/drunk."
But the fact of the matter is those reality stars are laughing (and most likely hiccupping) the whole way as they stumble to the bank.
Now I'm no socialist, but I'd be willing to give up my political views to stop the madness.
Did you know each member of the "Jersey Shore" cast will be earning half a million dollars per month for season four? What's worse is that people will stop trying to be productive with themselves and instead start partying and screwing in an attempt to gain glory, money and STDs in the same manner as these 30-year-old goof-offs who haven't really accomplished a single viable thing in their witless little lives!
Breathe, Matty, breathe. It'll be OK.
Only it won't. Although "Jersey Shore" is the highest-rated show in MTV history, it's not the only reality show people are watching. The fact of the matter is no matter which reality show you turn to, there's almost exclusively a hideous underlying message that will be driving people to become the worst possible versions of themselves.
Need more examples? Fine.
"Real Housewives:" This show gives the impression that all you have to do is marry a rich guy, and then you'll get your own reality show where you can fight over stupid things like weaves and diamonds with your fellow gold diggers.
"Basketball Wives:" When you can't get on "Real Housewives," you have something else to shoot for! Pun intended. I wonder if any of the players feel as if they're being used? Because they are.
"Teen Mom:" Have you heard? There's been rumor of girls getting pregnant on purpose so they can be a part of this so-called "documentary series" (straight from MTV.com). In the end, these single mothers come out on top with loads of cash and hoards of paparazzi in tow. Thanks again, MTV!
"Bachelor/Bachelorette:" Is it just me, or isn't this show pretty much just high-end prostitution? Only instead of cash, the hookers get roses and fame. The only thing this does for civilization is teach the desperate that it's not about love; It's about competing with your fellow strumpets.
"Rock of Love/Love of Ray Jay/Any other VHI has-been hooking up:" See "Bachelor/Bachelorette," only without "high-end," and with gonorrhea.
"The Biggest Loser:" Yes, I have a problem with this show too. I know it's all about self-improvement, but you can't tell me there isn't someone out there right now eating every Twinkie in sight just to get on that show.
"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition:" Matty has something bad to say about that show? Well, in essence, this is the worst show of all. Because instead of just exploiting one person, this show exploits whole families. Some of the kids involved don't even have a choice.
Unfortunately, what started out as a good idea, and an excellent plug for the home improvement industry, started becoming the template for evil of the worst kind. According to a July 29, 2008 article on FoxNews.com, titled
"‘Extreme Makeover' house faces foreclosure," a Lake City, Ga., family in need of a home got one from Ty Bennington and his array of muscles. Rather than be thankful for the home, the Harper family took out a loan against their brand-new house to the tune of $450,000. That was using the good of others and exploiting children in need. Evil.
Wow. If only they were on Jersey Shore. They could make that half a million chunk back in just about a month!
Too bad all the family's friends couldn't hear the cash register noises emitting from the parents' heads over the bus' engine as it moved out of the way.
This is the kind of ridiculousness that brings the most vile people out of the woodwork: people who think the best and easiest way to make money and fame is to use the people around them rather than use their own talents and hard work.
I'm not even sure I can give a review to anyone who exploits his or her special needs family members. I have a younger brother who has the most extreme case of autism possible, and I could never see myself using him to get a better house. I'm pretty sure there's a super-special place in hell for people who do that sort of thing.
But I do have a review for any person who seeks out fame and money through reality TV: The lot of you get five out of five botched plastic surgeries via "Bridalplasty," and one-and-a-half years doing "Tool Academy" underwear laundry. That's gross.
So the next time you get the urge to see which survivor will create an alliance only to break it and become besties with a previous enemy, maybe you should remember that even the worst skank on these shows is benefiting fiscally from your attention.
Let's treat reality TV like any typical pan handler: just ignore it, and it will eventually go away.
Turn it off. Together we can stop the madness.
Are you following The Skewed Review on Twitter yet? Find it @SkewedReview, and get your daily dose of reviews in 140 characters or less.
I can feel it in my heart. Everything that's wrong with our world today can be found, and magnified, through reality TV. Not only are we glued to our flat screen HDTVs, but we are also pretty much paying people to destroy each other for our own amusement.
Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah. Rome. Right before it fell.
Only instead of pitting lions against Christians or gladiators against Russell Crowe, we're pitting rich housewives against their frienemies, and drunken Snookies against beach-side police officers.
Oh, my dear Snooki, I have a little review for you: Seven out of seven pickle-less days cleaning up your own vomit from the coast of New Jersey. Wait, I don't think that would be enough time. Better change those days into years.
In the end, who's the winner in all of this?
Guess what? It's not you, and it's not me. We may think we're being entertained by their stupidity, and we'll console ourselves by saying things like, "‘Jersey Shore' makes me feel better about myself because I'm not that drunk/stupid/promiscuous/drunk."
But the fact of the matter is those reality stars are laughing (and most likely hiccupping) the whole way as they stumble to the bank.
Now I'm no socialist, but I'd be willing to give up my political views to stop the madness.
Did you know each member of the "Jersey Shore" cast will be earning half a million dollars per month for season four? What's worse is that people will stop trying to be productive with themselves and instead start partying and screwing in an attempt to gain glory, money and STDs in the same manner as these 30-year-old goof-offs who haven't really accomplished a single viable thing in their witless little lives!
Breathe, Matty, breathe. It'll be OK.
Only it won't. Although "Jersey Shore" is the highest-rated show in MTV history, it's not the only reality show people are watching. The fact of the matter is no matter which reality show you turn to, there's almost exclusively a hideous underlying message that will be driving people to become the worst possible versions of themselves.
Need more examples? Fine.
"Real Housewives:" This show gives the impression that all you have to do is marry a rich guy, and then you'll get your own reality show where you can fight over stupid things like weaves and diamonds with your fellow gold diggers.
"Basketball Wives:" When you can't get on "Real Housewives," you have something else to shoot for! Pun intended. I wonder if any of the players feel as if they're being used? Because they are.
"Teen Mom:" Have you heard? There's been rumor of girls getting pregnant on purpose so they can be a part of this so-called "documentary series" (straight from MTV.com). In the end, these single mothers come out on top with loads of cash and hoards of paparazzi in tow. Thanks again, MTV!
"Bachelor/Bachelorette:" Is it just me, or isn't this show pretty much just high-end prostitution? Only instead of cash, the hookers get roses and fame. The only thing this does for civilization is teach the desperate that it's not about love; It's about competing with your fellow strumpets.
"Rock of Love/Love of Ray Jay/Any other VHI has-been hooking up:" See "Bachelor/Bachelorette," only without "high-end," and with gonorrhea.
"The Biggest Loser:" Yes, I have a problem with this show too. I know it's all about self-improvement, but you can't tell me there isn't someone out there right now eating every Twinkie in sight just to get on that show.
"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition:" Matty has something bad to say about that show? Well, in essence, this is the worst show of all. Because instead of just exploiting one person, this show exploits whole families. Some of the kids involved don't even have a choice.
Unfortunately, what started out as a good idea, and an excellent plug for the home improvement industry, started becoming the template for evil of the worst kind. According to a July 29, 2008 article on FoxNews.com, titled
"‘Extreme Makeover' house faces foreclosure," a Lake City, Ga., family in need of a home got one from Ty Bennington and his array of muscles. Rather than be thankful for the home, the Harper family took out a loan against their brand-new house to the tune of $450,000. That was using the good of others and exploiting children in need. Evil.
Wow. If only they were on Jersey Shore. They could make that half a million chunk back in just about a month!
Too bad all the family's friends couldn't hear the cash register noises emitting from the parents' heads over the bus' engine as it moved out of the way.
This is the kind of ridiculousness that brings the most vile people out of the woodwork: people who think the best and easiest way to make money and fame is to use the people around them rather than use their own talents and hard work.
I'm not even sure I can give a review to anyone who exploits his or her special needs family members. I have a younger brother who has the most extreme case of autism possible, and I could never see myself using him to get a better house. I'm pretty sure there's a super-special place in hell for people who do that sort of thing.
But I do have a review for any person who seeks out fame and money through reality TV: The lot of you get five out of five botched plastic surgeries via "Bridalplasty," and one-and-a-half years doing "Tool Academy" underwear laundry. That's gross.
So the next time you get the urge to see which survivor will create an alliance only to break it and become besties with a previous enemy, maybe you should remember that even the worst skank on these shows is benefiting fiscally from your attention.
Let's treat reality TV like any typical pan handler: just ignore it, and it will eventually go away.
Turn it off. Together we can stop the madness.
Are you following The Skewed Review on Twitter yet? Find it @SkewedReview, and get your daily dose of reviews in 140 characters or less.
Is It Friday, Yet?
There's definitely a line between entertainingly ironic online comments and vicious cyber-bullying; I certainly hope the educated readers of The Dixie Sun know the difference.
As an example, let me present to you Rebecca Black. If you haven't seen or heard of her, you just might be living in an area of the world where Internet access is communistically forbidden.
Little miss B is the voice and face behind the viral video "Friday." As of the date I wrote this article, her video had almost 90 million views on YouTube and countless parodies to boot. Her song has millions of downloads on iTunes, and she's already made appearances on "The Today Show" and "The Tonight Show."
If you haven't heard the song or seen the video yet, you should probably take three minutes and 30 seconds out of your life and watch this classic gem. I wouldn't want any of the irony to be lost before I get to my point.
I was reading reviews of her song on iTunes, and the scores of downloads are obviously ironical in nature. Ping, Apple's music social media site, users have serious senses of humor, and even though that's an oxymoron, it's true nonetheless.
Here's some examples of entertaining comments that are critically funny, but not belligerently cruel.
Username "Goddess" wrote: "Rebecca Black's voice surpasses anything I've heard before. This gorgeous ballad shows off her powerful vocals and creativity with lyrics such as, ‘Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards' and ‘Partyin' partyin' (yeah) partyin' partying'(yeah) fun, fun, fun, fun' …This song restored my faith in humanity. 5 stars, Rebecca. Your voice is equivalent to the second coming of Jesus."
But my personal favorite response came from username "LyricalGenius" who wrote, "I'd really like to see her tackle something like January." LyricalGenius also rated the song with five stars.
Ping users, you get a positive review from me today. The majority of you used hilarious phraseology without aggressively demeaning 15-year-old Black. Your comments were funny and even spelled correctly (something that's rare on the Internet these days). I'm giving you clever music downloaders five out of five Apple product upgrades. That should appease your gadget needs for the next week (when Apple upgrades them again).
The biting commentary is much more expansive, however. I don't know whether to chalk it up to a lack of creativity, young-aged users, or just plain bitter stupidity. Let's check out a different site.
According to YouTube, roughly 300,000 people "like" Black's music video; but currently 1,782,671 video trolls clicked the "dislike" button; and just as many posted maliciously venomous reviews. That number climbs by the second.
Unlike iTunes, the reviews on YouTube are scathing and attack Black on a very personal level. There are even comments where YouTube geeks actually wish her dead. Go take a look for yourself.
I'm not sure if it's the fact that iTunescontent isn't always free, or if the people who use YouTube can only comprehend visual elements rather than music and text, but the comments left on YouTube are full of grammatical, spelling, structural and definition errors. iTunes users must have a higher level of education, and thus are able to post legible comments.
YouTube username "ferdsberth" wrote (and this is how it appears on the website): "HOW MANY WENTAND BOUGH HER SONG ON I TUNES LOL."
And that was one of the smarter comments. This was one of the few I could find that didn't contain profanity and/or death wishes.
For those who post comments on YouTube, here's a review: You get 265 out of 265 days of people coming to your house to say and do to you the things you post about others. So be careful username "SirSkilld," because posting comments like "press 2 over nd over to punch rebecca in the head"(again, it's verbatim), will result in someone showing up at your door to, well, punch you in the head.
You'd think in today's society, where children and young adults are literally committing suicide because of cyber bullying, people would take a step back and re-evaluate who and what they attack via the Internet.
Yes, it's true l'il B's song "Friday" isn't going to win any awards, and the popularity of her downloads is due to folks who find the song hilarious. But we do need to realize this poor girl was born in 1997. She's in junior high school, and was obviously out to have some fun and make a music video with her friends.
She never claimed to be a Grammy-worthy recording artist. In fact, she's not even signed to a label. Her music video endeavor was completely bankrolled by her parents, and if you watch any of her interviews on talk shows, you'll find out she made the music video because she wanted to have some fun.
Becky B, you love singing and acting, and you were lucky enough to have parents who support you. Your ma and pa were willing to let you make a fun little music video with your buddies, and for that, I have a review for you and your family.
You get 50 out of 50 stars--in the sky, that is. Those 50 stars will be arranged into the shape of your face, so all the evil cyber bullies in the world who have nothing better to do with their lives than sit and make fun of children can look to the sky every night and be reminded that they are nothing.
Oh, and my apologies to all the parents out there whose grown, unemployed children are inhabiting their basements, eating their food, and making them pay for monthly high-speed Internet so those children can switch between commenting on YouTube videos and watching porn.
And finally, to all the cyber-bullies out there, I'll forgo a review and just tell you straight up what I think of you.
Take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Do you see that soulless, dead stare? That's the look of a person who's too chicken [poop] to work on him or herself first, and who's too uneducated and unmotivated to put his or her use of time toward bettering the world and making his or her fellow human beings happy.
You are a waste of space who's eating food that could feed the hungry, spending money that could help the homeless, and destroying lives of the innocent--one child at a time. If all were right with the world, there would be a 24-hour webcam pointed directly at you, so the world could actually see what scum you actually are. I could just imagine the comments and number of "dislikes" you would generate.
Think about that the next time you decide to tear a 15-year-old girl a new one just because she's having fun.
As an example, let me present to you Rebecca Black. If you haven't seen or heard of her, you just might be living in an area of the world where Internet access is communistically forbidden.
Little miss B is the voice and face behind the viral video "Friday." As of the date I wrote this article, her video had almost 90 million views on YouTube and countless parodies to boot. Her song has millions of downloads on iTunes, and she's already made appearances on "The Today Show" and "The Tonight Show."
If you haven't heard the song or seen the video yet, you should probably take three minutes and 30 seconds out of your life and watch this classic gem. I wouldn't want any of the irony to be lost before I get to my point.
I was reading reviews of her song on iTunes, and the scores of downloads are obviously ironical in nature. Ping, Apple's music social media site, users have serious senses of humor, and even though that's an oxymoron, it's true nonetheless.
Here's some examples of entertaining comments that are critically funny, but not belligerently cruel.
Username "Goddess" wrote: "Rebecca Black's voice surpasses anything I've heard before. This gorgeous ballad shows off her powerful vocals and creativity with lyrics such as, ‘Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards' and ‘Partyin' partyin' (yeah) partyin' partying'(yeah) fun, fun, fun, fun' …This song restored my faith in humanity. 5 stars, Rebecca. Your voice is equivalent to the second coming of Jesus."
But my personal favorite response came from username "LyricalGenius" who wrote, "I'd really like to see her tackle something like January." LyricalGenius also rated the song with five stars.
Ping users, you get a positive review from me today. The majority of you used hilarious phraseology without aggressively demeaning 15-year-old Black. Your comments were funny and even spelled correctly (something that's rare on the Internet these days). I'm giving you clever music downloaders five out of five Apple product upgrades. That should appease your gadget needs for the next week (when Apple upgrades them again).
The biting commentary is much more expansive, however. I don't know whether to chalk it up to a lack of creativity, young-aged users, or just plain bitter stupidity. Let's check out a different site.
According to YouTube, roughly 300,000 people "like" Black's music video; but currently 1,782,671 video trolls clicked the "dislike" button; and just as many posted maliciously venomous reviews. That number climbs by the second.
Unlike iTunes, the reviews on YouTube are scathing and attack Black on a very personal level. There are even comments where YouTube geeks actually wish her dead. Go take a look for yourself.
I'm not sure if it's the fact that iTunescontent isn't always free, or if the people who use YouTube can only comprehend visual elements rather than music and text, but the comments left on YouTube are full of grammatical, spelling, structural and definition errors. iTunes users must have a higher level of education, and thus are able to post legible comments.
YouTube username "ferdsberth" wrote (and this is how it appears on the website): "HOW MANY WENTAND BOUGH HER SONG ON I TUNES LOL."
And that was one of the smarter comments. This was one of the few I could find that didn't contain profanity and/or death wishes.
For those who post comments on YouTube, here's a review: You get 265 out of 265 days of people coming to your house to say and do to you the things you post about others. So be careful username "SirSkilld," because posting comments like "press 2 over nd over to punch rebecca in the head"(again, it's verbatim), will result in someone showing up at your door to, well, punch you in the head.
You'd think in today's society, where children and young adults are literally committing suicide because of cyber bullying, people would take a step back and re-evaluate who and what they attack via the Internet.
Yes, it's true l'il B's song "Friday" isn't going to win any awards, and the popularity of her downloads is due to folks who find the song hilarious. But we do need to realize this poor girl was born in 1997. She's in junior high school, and was obviously out to have some fun and make a music video with her friends.
She never claimed to be a Grammy-worthy recording artist. In fact, she's not even signed to a label. Her music video endeavor was completely bankrolled by her parents, and if you watch any of her interviews on talk shows, you'll find out she made the music video because she wanted to have some fun.
Becky B, you love singing and acting, and you were lucky enough to have parents who support you. Your ma and pa were willing to let you make a fun little music video with your buddies, and for that, I have a review for you and your family.
You get 50 out of 50 stars--in the sky, that is. Those 50 stars will be arranged into the shape of your face, so all the evil cyber bullies in the world who have nothing better to do with their lives than sit and make fun of children can look to the sky every night and be reminded that they are nothing.
Oh, and my apologies to all the parents out there whose grown, unemployed children are inhabiting their basements, eating their food, and making them pay for monthly high-speed Internet so those children can switch between commenting on YouTube videos and watching porn.
And finally, to all the cyber-bullies out there, I'll forgo a review and just tell you straight up what I think of you.
Take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes. Do you see that soulless, dead stare? That's the look of a person who's too chicken [poop] to work on him or herself first, and who's too uneducated and unmotivated to put his or her use of time toward bettering the world and making his or her fellow human beings happy.
You are a waste of space who's eating food that could feed the hungry, spending money that could help the homeless, and destroying lives of the innocent--one child at a time. If all were right with the world, there would be a 24-hour webcam pointed directly at you, so the world could actually see what scum you actually are. I could just imagine the comments and number of "dislikes" you would generate.
Think about that the next time you decide to tear a 15-year-old girl a new one just because she's having fun.
Charlie Sheen vs. The World
It actually took an act of God to get the world to stop paying attention to Charlie Sheen.
Well, to stop paying attention to him for about 24 hours that is.
When I turned on the news on March 11, I was expecting the next chapter in the Sheen scandal to explode all over my screen, complete with prostitution, drugs, guns, machetes and tiger blood; I wasn't particularly looking forward to that. What I saw instead was a shock that affected me in two different ways.
I'm talking about the quakes and subsequent tidal waves in Japan. My first reaction was the same reaction I get whenever I see something of this magnitude: sickness. It doesn't matter if a country is as developed as Japan. I don't like to see suffering.
My second reaction was a mix of relief and a sense of gratitude because even the 24-hour news stations knew when to call it quits on a one-man disaster and focus on a real disaster. Who knows how much world news I missed out on because of Mr. Sheen?
Mother nature, I give you four out of five decades of SUVs running, sprinklers leaking and cattle farting for your heinous act against the world. I hope you're proud of yourself.
So it seemed the world fell back into place for the next day. People were rallying and everyone was generally concerned for Japan. Even Hollywood types started stepping in to donate.
Sandra Bullock gave $1 million, and even Lady Gaga managed to raise more than $1 million by selling bracelets where every cent of the proceeds went to aid Japan.
Well, Sheen wouldn't have any of that. Next thing you know he's back on the airwaves spouting off about a so-called comedy tour that will let Americans in on his real story (as if getting it shoved down our throats every day isn't enough.)
It only made sense that he call the show "My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option." Oh, and did he mention a portion of the proceeds will go to help the good people of Japan? Good news Japan! Because he not only sold out every show, but he also had to add shows because of the demand to see him train wreck all over the stage.
Now I'd like to tell myself people are buying up tickets to help those in need, even if they are supporting one disaster to aid another.
But alas, as it turns out, only $1 of each ticket sold will be going to help Japan. Tickets bought on his website (charliesheen.com) start at fifty big ones, but you can actually meet Mr. Sheen If you're willing to fork over roughly $600. Again, only $1 will go to the Japanese aid efforts.
It wouldn't matter anyway because even if Sheen was keeping every dime for himself, people would still pay their hard-earned cash to see him spew sentiments of trolls, warlocks and goddesses.
In a nutshell, people aren't buying tickets to help those in need. Oh, the shame.
People of Earth, I have a review for you: 10 out of 12 months watching nothing but "Two and a half Men" nonstop whilst eating nothing but food grown in the radiation-soaked areas of Japan.
Now look, nothing makes me happier than watching a warlock crash and burn before my very eyes, especially if that celeb has done a whole world of hurt to many, many people.
But in Sheen's case, he's not crashing and is hardly burning. He is in fact (and I'm sorry to use the word), winning.
And now he's using Japan's pain to make his national media blitz seem like a good thing. I feel like he's piggybacking on international anguish and making it seem like he has heart.
If he at least donated half his proceeds to Japan, I would be willing to look the other way. But one measly dollar of every ticket? Please.
Sheeny boy, I award you five out of five hooker slaps and a weekend retreat with Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss. Did I mention she gets the keys to the hotel room, and you have to stay stuck in the bathroom?
By rewarding Sheen for his public breakdown we are only fueling his fire. We need to be paying attention to more important things. We most definitely should not be throwing money at the likes of Charlie.
Do you know what that makes us? Duh! Losing!
Now excuse me while I follow Gilbert Gottfried on Twitter. I can't wait to see what trouble he gets into next.
Well, to stop paying attention to him for about 24 hours that is.
When I turned on the news on March 11, I was expecting the next chapter in the Sheen scandal to explode all over my screen, complete with prostitution, drugs, guns, machetes and tiger blood; I wasn't particularly looking forward to that. What I saw instead was a shock that affected me in two different ways.
I'm talking about the quakes and subsequent tidal waves in Japan. My first reaction was the same reaction I get whenever I see something of this magnitude: sickness. It doesn't matter if a country is as developed as Japan. I don't like to see suffering.
My second reaction was a mix of relief and a sense of gratitude because even the 24-hour news stations knew when to call it quits on a one-man disaster and focus on a real disaster. Who knows how much world news I missed out on because of Mr. Sheen?
Mother nature, I give you four out of five decades of SUVs running, sprinklers leaking and cattle farting for your heinous act against the world. I hope you're proud of yourself.
So it seemed the world fell back into place for the next day. People were rallying and everyone was generally concerned for Japan. Even Hollywood types started stepping in to donate.
Sandra Bullock gave $1 million, and even Lady Gaga managed to raise more than $1 million by selling bracelets where every cent of the proceeds went to aid Japan.
Well, Sheen wouldn't have any of that. Next thing you know he's back on the airwaves spouting off about a so-called comedy tour that will let Americans in on his real story (as if getting it shoved down our throats every day isn't enough.)
It only made sense that he call the show "My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option." Oh, and did he mention a portion of the proceeds will go to help the good people of Japan? Good news Japan! Because he not only sold out every show, but he also had to add shows because of the demand to see him train wreck all over the stage.
Now I'd like to tell myself people are buying up tickets to help those in need, even if they are supporting one disaster to aid another.
But alas, as it turns out, only $1 of each ticket sold will be going to help Japan. Tickets bought on his website (charliesheen.com) start at fifty big ones, but you can actually meet Mr. Sheen If you're willing to fork over roughly $600. Again, only $1 will go to the Japanese aid efforts.
It wouldn't matter anyway because even if Sheen was keeping every dime for himself, people would still pay their hard-earned cash to see him spew sentiments of trolls, warlocks and goddesses.
In a nutshell, people aren't buying tickets to help those in need. Oh, the shame.
People of Earth, I have a review for you: 10 out of 12 months watching nothing but "Two and a half Men" nonstop whilst eating nothing but food grown in the radiation-soaked areas of Japan.
Now look, nothing makes me happier than watching a warlock crash and burn before my very eyes, especially if that celeb has done a whole world of hurt to many, many people.
But in Sheen's case, he's not crashing and is hardly burning. He is in fact (and I'm sorry to use the word), winning.
And now he's using Japan's pain to make his national media blitz seem like a good thing. I feel like he's piggybacking on international anguish and making it seem like he has heart.
If he at least donated half his proceeds to Japan, I would be willing to look the other way. But one measly dollar of every ticket? Please.
Sheeny boy, I award you five out of five hooker slaps and a weekend retreat with Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss. Did I mention she gets the keys to the hotel room, and you have to stay stuck in the bathroom?
By rewarding Sheen for his public breakdown we are only fueling his fire. We need to be paying attention to more important things. We most definitely should not be throwing money at the likes of Charlie.
Do you know what that makes us? Duh! Losing!
Now excuse me while I follow Gilbert Gottfried on Twitter. I can't wait to see what trouble he gets into next.
Damn You, Technology.
The Internet: Do I love it, or do I hate it?
Let me start out with a small story.
When I was about 7 years old (in 1988 to be exact), I remember getting a high score on Nintendo's Tetris. The game indicated that I needed to enter my name as the number one player.
I wasn't fully aware that my name was visible only to those who played my particular copy of Tetris. My young mind assumed the whole world saw my incredible block-puzzling feat.
Then it dawned on me: What if I could get a high score and then write a message to someone rather than my name? That way I could send messages to family members in other states! Move over Al Gore, because I think I had just invented e-mail.
Whether it was ingenuity or precognition, I have to award myself four out of five iPad 2s and a lifetime of Verizon service (because we all know the sorrows of AT&T connections) for my communication insight.
Leap forward about 23 years and you'll see me not only sending messages to people in other states via electronic devices, but also being dependent on those devices. Who would have known that my creation would have become the monster it is today?
In today's world, if I can't get an internet signal then I can't get anything accomplished. I think it's safe to say the same can be said for a good portion of the American population.
How many of us can get an assignment completed without the help of the Internet?
It's true that connecting to the web is often the bane of my existence. Take Blackboard for example. Every time I log in to the so-called collegiate tool, I feel as though I'm entering the first circle of Hell. Circles two through seven all exist in CIS, but we'll reserve that for another Skewed Review.
Even though I despise Blackboard, and subsequently any class that uses it as its primary resource, I have to admit I'd be lost without it. So many of our classes now utilize Blackboard in one form or another that if I were to simply turn it off, it would result in near immediate grade dropping.
The same goes for almost everything the Internet has to offer. Once it's gone, I just can't get anything done.
So in this respect I'm going to have to give the Internet a split review: two-and-a-half years of having nothing but the highest qualities intended by Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, and two-and-a-half years flaunting every downside imaginable (and blaming it on Al Gore).
This past weekend I found myself with sparse Internet access and actually woke up one morning to discover my home Internet connection suddenly was nonexistent.
OK, that's fine I guess. I suppose I could work on some homework that doesn't involve accessing the web.
Oh, snap.
Math? Well, I'm using Hawkes Learning System, which an awesome learning tool unless you're not connected to the internet. English? Dang. I really need to connect to Ebscohost to do some research. Newspaper editing? Either the news will be available three weeks from now or not at all, because unless writers are willing to put a stamp on an envelope and mail their work to me, it's not going to get edited.
And as for me, I am sick. Not just of school, mind you, but am literally body-aching, nose-blowing, in-the-bathroom-constantly sick. But because I can't connect to the World Wide Web from my home, I have to pack up my laptop and head to school.
Now the rational part of me knows the loss of Internet connection is most likely due to inclement weather interfering with my satellite service. But the irrational part of me wants to blame a specific person.
Of course no one can be blamed for the weather, so in my little imagination I like to come up with some little dwarf who runs around making it rain and turning off people's Internet.
So therefore, you evil little gnome, I have a review for you: forty days and forty nights on a boat with a menagerie of varying species (and varying sizes of excrement) with absolutely no way to update your Facebook status.
Yes, my sickness is causing me to get biblical.
It just goes to show that when all is said and done, I am actually one of the people I complain about most: Internet geeks.
So as much as I may complain about people's Internet addictions, and although I am constantly annoyed by online gamers, I have to admit that without the Internet I am lost.
I would tweet my current sorrows but, well, you know.
Let me start out with a small story.
When I was about 7 years old (in 1988 to be exact), I remember getting a high score on Nintendo's Tetris. The game indicated that I needed to enter my name as the number one player.
I wasn't fully aware that my name was visible only to those who played my particular copy of Tetris. My young mind assumed the whole world saw my incredible block-puzzling feat.
Then it dawned on me: What if I could get a high score and then write a message to someone rather than my name? That way I could send messages to family members in other states! Move over Al Gore, because I think I had just invented e-mail.
Whether it was ingenuity or precognition, I have to award myself four out of five iPad 2s and a lifetime of Verizon service (because we all know the sorrows of AT&T connections) for my communication insight.
Leap forward about 23 years and you'll see me not only sending messages to people in other states via electronic devices, but also being dependent on those devices. Who would have known that my creation would have become the monster it is today?
In today's world, if I can't get an internet signal then I can't get anything accomplished. I think it's safe to say the same can be said for a good portion of the American population.
How many of us can get an assignment completed without the help of the Internet?
It's true that connecting to the web is often the bane of my existence. Take Blackboard for example. Every time I log in to the so-called collegiate tool, I feel as though I'm entering the first circle of Hell. Circles two through seven all exist in CIS, but we'll reserve that for another Skewed Review.
Even though I despise Blackboard, and subsequently any class that uses it as its primary resource, I have to admit I'd be lost without it. So many of our classes now utilize Blackboard in one form or another that if I were to simply turn it off, it would result in near immediate grade dropping.
The same goes for almost everything the Internet has to offer. Once it's gone, I just can't get anything done.
So in this respect I'm going to have to give the Internet a split review: two-and-a-half years of having nothing but the highest qualities intended by Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, and two-and-a-half years flaunting every downside imaginable (and blaming it on Al Gore).
This past weekend I found myself with sparse Internet access and actually woke up one morning to discover my home Internet connection suddenly was nonexistent.
OK, that's fine I guess. I suppose I could work on some homework that doesn't involve accessing the web.
Oh, snap.
Math? Well, I'm using Hawkes Learning System, which an awesome learning tool unless you're not connected to the internet. English? Dang. I really need to connect to Ebscohost to do some research. Newspaper editing? Either the news will be available three weeks from now or not at all, because unless writers are willing to put a stamp on an envelope and mail their work to me, it's not going to get edited.
And as for me, I am sick. Not just of school, mind you, but am literally body-aching, nose-blowing, in-the-bathroom-constantly sick. But because I can't connect to the World Wide Web from my home, I have to pack up my laptop and head to school.
Now the rational part of me knows the loss of Internet connection is most likely due to inclement weather interfering with my satellite service. But the irrational part of me wants to blame a specific person.
Of course no one can be blamed for the weather, so in my little imagination I like to come up with some little dwarf who runs around making it rain and turning off people's Internet.
So therefore, you evil little gnome, I have a review for you: forty days and forty nights on a boat with a menagerie of varying species (and varying sizes of excrement) with absolutely no way to update your Facebook status.
Yes, my sickness is causing me to get biblical.
It just goes to show that when all is said and done, I am actually one of the people I complain about most: Internet geeks.
So as much as I may complain about people's Internet addictions, and although I am constantly annoyed by online gamers, I have to admit that without the Internet I am lost.
I would tweet my current sorrows but, well, you know.
Yay For Oscar!
Some people wait all year long for two things: Christmas and The Superbowl.
Well in my world, my holiday of choice is Halloween, and the TV event that gets me drooling is The Academy Awards.
Now it' no secret that in recent years the awards ceremony has been a let-down. I'm not going to have any high expectations in that category. The thing I look forward to most is seeing the movies I love get recognition, so this year I'm pleased as proverbial punch because I don't have just one favorite in the running.
In fact, I have more than a few.
The total films I am rooting for this year are up to five, which means I have a 50 percent chance of avoiding the dismay that came to me the years "Braveheart" and "A Beautiful Mind" respectively overtook "Babe" and "Moulin Rouge!" for best pictures.
But best picture isn't the only category I'm rooting for. I'm not apathetic about any category this year, because in a way I feel as if I have a horse in each running. If I were a betting man, I'd head straight to Vegas. It's true, I probably wouldn't win a dime, but for once I would have some serious fun making the attempt.
Here's who your humble critic to the masses of southern Utah has his eye on this year:
"Black Swan"
This is by far my favorite movie of the year. I thought Darren Aronofsky did a wonderful job of bringing this movie to life. Check out my review of "Black Swan" here.
In addition to a best picture nod, this troubled tale of troubled talent is also nominated for film editing, best director, cinematography and best actress (Natalie Portman). I've got my feathers crossed for this one!
"Inception"
OK, so I'm no Leo DiCaprio fan. It speaks to the quality of a movie if I can see past Jack and see a wonderful story with excellent directing and astonishing visual effects. Let's just hope director Christopher Nolan can pull the same stunt with the next Batman installment (because now I've got to look past Christian Bale and Anne Hatheway!).
This movie tripped me out. And for those of you who've seen it, I'm sure you'd agree with me on some level. I'm not dreaming for the day that "Inception" wins best picture, but I wouldn't be disappointed if it did.
"Inception" also has nominations for best original screenplay, best visual effects, best sound mixing and editing, and best original score.
"The King's Speech"
I'll admit I walked into the movie theater expecting to be bored. But a wonderful array of history, writing and performances left me feeling like this was much more than just a movie about a prince overcoming a speech impediment. I even cried at parts (almost).
Deservedly, this movie was nominated for best picture. I think its only real competition comes from "The Social Network." More on that in a little bit. Even though this movie probably should get the biggest achievement in Academy Awards, I'm still hoping my dark ballet favorite will pull ahead.
Other nominations for "King's Speech" are for best original screenplay, best sound mixing, best original score, best film editing, best director (Tom Hooper), best costume design, best cinematography, best art direction, best supporting actress (Helena Bonham Carter) best supporting actor (Geoffrey Rush), and best actor (Colin Firth).
Indeed, this film has the most nominations of all my favorites, so I'm almost guaranteed to win a bet on this won, I mean, one.
"Toy Story 3"
OK fine. I actually did cry in this movie. Twice. That I'll admit.
After a somewhat disappointing sequel, I wasn't expecting much from the final film in the toy trilogy. But when I had to make sure my face was dry after the credits rolled in order to step into the lobby of a metro movie theater in Salt Lake City, I knew this movie was going to win best animated picture. I was overjoyed almost to tears again when I found out it was nominated for best picture as well.
The list of nominations for "Toy Story 3" aren't just limited to best picture and best animated picture. You'll see "3" with nominations for best adapted screenplay, best sound editing, and best original song.
"True Grit"
It wasn't just the Cohen brothers that made this movie one of my favorites for 2011. It was also Jeff Bridges and his scene-stealing portrayal of Rooster Cogburn. Check out my review of "True Grit" here.
This novel adaptation was not only nominated for best picture, but also for best adapted screenplay, bet sound mixing and editing, best directors (Joel & Ethan Cohen), best costume design, best cinematography, best art direction, best supporting actress (Hailee Steinfeld), and best actor (Bridges).
One thing I don't understand is why Steinfeld was nominated for a supporting role when she was clearly the focus of the movie. Oh wait, now I remember. Because that focus was stolen by Bridges. C'est la vie!
Now I'm not limiting my love for films to just those nominated in best film. I'm also rooting for "Alice in Wonderland" for effects, costumes and art direction, "Day & Night" for animated short, and "Tangled" for original song.
But the one movie I will definitely be cheering against is "The Social Network." Yes, there's been nothing but lip service to this movie for the past year, and everyone's betting this Facebook biopic will take the awards by storm.
This may be true, but I don't have to take it sitting down. Some may call my hatred of this movie irrational because I hate it purely for the fact that it's going to ruin the chances my favorite movies have of winning. This feels like "Braveheart" vs. "Babe" and "A Beautiful Mind" vs. "Moulin Rouge!" all over again.
We'll see what Oscar night brings, though. Look for a special "Skewed Review" podcast following the Academy
Well in my world, my holiday of choice is Halloween, and the TV event that gets me drooling is The Academy Awards.
Now it' no secret that in recent years the awards ceremony has been a let-down. I'm not going to have any high expectations in that category. The thing I look forward to most is seeing the movies I love get recognition, so this year I'm pleased as proverbial punch because I don't have just one favorite in the running.
In fact, I have more than a few.
The total films I am rooting for this year are up to five, which means I have a 50 percent chance of avoiding the dismay that came to me the years "Braveheart" and "A Beautiful Mind" respectively overtook "Babe" and "Moulin Rouge!" for best pictures.
But best picture isn't the only category I'm rooting for. I'm not apathetic about any category this year, because in a way I feel as if I have a horse in each running. If I were a betting man, I'd head straight to Vegas. It's true, I probably wouldn't win a dime, but for once I would have some serious fun making the attempt.
Here's who your humble critic to the masses of southern Utah has his eye on this year:
"Black Swan"
This is by far my favorite movie of the year. I thought Darren Aronofsky did a wonderful job of bringing this movie to life. Check out my review of "Black Swan" here.
In addition to a best picture nod, this troubled tale of troubled talent is also nominated for film editing, best director, cinematography and best actress (Natalie Portman). I've got my feathers crossed for this one!
"Inception"
OK, so I'm no Leo DiCaprio fan. It speaks to the quality of a movie if I can see past Jack and see a wonderful story with excellent directing and astonishing visual effects. Let's just hope director Christopher Nolan can pull the same stunt with the next Batman installment (because now I've got to look past Christian Bale and Anne Hatheway!).
This movie tripped me out. And for those of you who've seen it, I'm sure you'd agree with me on some level. I'm not dreaming for the day that "Inception" wins best picture, but I wouldn't be disappointed if it did.
"Inception" also has nominations for best original screenplay, best visual effects, best sound mixing and editing, and best original score.
"The King's Speech"
I'll admit I walked into the movie theater expecting to be bored. But a wonderful array of history, writing and performances left me feeling like this was much more than just a movie about a prince overcoming a speech impediment. I even cried at parts (almost).
Deservedly, this movie was nominated for best picture. I think its only real competition comes from "The Social Network." More on that in a little bit. Even though this movie probably should get the biggest achievement in Academy Awards, I'm still hoping my dark ballet favorite will pull ahead.
Other nominations for "King's Speech" are for best original screenplay, best sound mixing, best original score, best film editing, best director (Tom Hooper), best costume design, best cinematography, best art direction, best supporting actress (Helena Bonham Carter) best supporting actor (Geoffrey Rush), and best actor (Colin Firth).
Indeed, this film has the most nominations of all my favorites, so I'm almost guaranteed to win a bet on this won, I mean, one.
"Toy Story 3"
OK fine. I actually did cry in this movie. Twice. That I'll admit.
After a somewhat disappointing sequel, I wasn't expecting much from the final film in the toy trilogy. But when I had to make sure my face was dry after the credits rolled in order to step into the lobby of a metro movie theater in Salt Lake City, I knew this movie was going to win best animated picture. I was overjoyed almost to tears again when I found out it was nominated for best picture as well.
The list of nominations for "Toy Story 3" aren't just limited to best picture and best animated picture. You'll see "3" with nominations for best adapted screenplay, best sound editing, and best original song.
"True Grit"
It wasn't just the Cohen brothers that made this movie one of my favorites for 2011. It was also Jeff Bridges and his scene-stealing portrayal of Rooster Cogburn. Check out my review of "True Grit" here.
This novel adaptation was not only nominated for best picture, but also for best adapted screenplay, bet sound mixing and editing, best directors (Joel & Ethan Cohen), best costume design, best cinematography, best art direction, best supporting actress (Hailee Steinfeld), and best actor (Bridges).
One thing I don't understand is why Steinfeld was nominated for a supporting role when she was clearly the focus of the movie. Oh wait, now I remember. Because that focus was stolen by Bridges. C'est la vie!
Now I'm not limiting my love for films to just those nominated in best film. I'm also rooting for "Alice in Wonderland" for effects, costumes and art direction, "Day & Night" for animated short, and "Tangled" for original song.
But the one movie I will definitely be cheering against is "The Social Network." Yes, there's been nothing but lip service to this movie for the past year, and everyone's betting this Facebook biopic will take the awards by storm.
This may be true, but I don't have to take it sitting down. Some may call my hatred of this movie irrational because I hate it purely for the fact that it's going to ruin the chances my favorite movies have of winning. This feels like "Braveheart" vs. "Babe" and "A Beautiful Mind" vs. "Moulin Rouge!" all over again.
We'll see what Oscar night brings, though. Look for a special "Skewed Review" podcast following the Academy
Dear Gaga
Dear Lady Gaga, I know you are an avid reader of The Dixie Sun, so I would like to review you and your effects on society in this humble open letter.
Please feel free to reply!
Gaga, you have done the world both a huge favor and a considerable disservice.
You have given children of all ages the strength to stand up and embrace what makes them unique. You've inspired thousands if not millions of fans to throw off the bonds of conformity and laugh in the face of subsequent social rejection.
I give this achievement five golden rhinestone lobster platform shoes and a huge Minnie Mouse bow completely made of platinum blonde hair. Well done, Gaga. Well done.
But in becoming the fabulous Monster you are, you've also encouraged a generation of young music and fashion enthusiasts to not only draw inspiration from your achievements but to also imitate many of your extra-curricular activities.
According to "Lady Gaga On Sex, Fame, Drugs, and Her Fans," by Lisa Robinson published in the September 2010 issue of Vanity Fair you said: "I won't lie; it's occasional. And when I say occasional, I mean maybe a couple of times a year."
You were speaking of your cocaine habit, of course. But even a couple of times a year may be too much.
Now, I applaud your ability to be so candid about such an unpleasant topic, but I fear you may be going the way of such stars as Judy Garland, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Elvis Presley.
Your latest single, "Born This Way," was a lyrical dream to me. You are such a brilliant poet and an amazing pianist. While some may disagree, I believe your latest song is a step in the right direction. It's a throwback to the Madonna-era revolution, and I love it.
I believe there are many of your minions who feel the same as I do. Unfortunately I fear many of them will blindly follow in your footsteps and go to great lengths to emulate you–drugs and all.
I have to give this failure to see how you may be negatively affecting your fans four ruby slippers of sadness and a golden jump suit of despair. Let them be a constant reminder to you that fantastical fabulousities like Dorothy and The King can have a tragic end.
Although you were just in grade school when Kurt Cobain committed suicide, I'm sure you recall the repercussion of his actions. MTV's Kurt Loder immediately took to the airwaves and begged viewers not to pursue similar procedures.
His death rocked the world, and who knows how many young people took their own lives in grief.
His rampant drug use was only revealed after the fact. No one outside his inner circle really knew his heroine addiction was out of control, and no one could foresee his depression would lead to his demise.
Will this be your story?
If you haven't already figured it out, I consider myself a Little Monster. But as my little monster paws type out this close-to-home Skewed Review, I am saddened to think my idol may one day die.
I panic when I think of all the wonderful music and shocking fashions that would die with you. And I tremble to think of all the Little Monsters who would follow you–even into death.
I am proud to say you inspire me to be ferocious and magnificent. You make me think the word "action" every time I step outside my door. Because of you, I am not afraid to express on the outside who I am on the inside.
You are the reason I feel alive and glittery. I feel as though the world is my runway, and I am walking it in 12-inch-high McQueen heels. And because of you, I'm not afraid to fall. I'll just get back up, wrap my ankle if needed, and continue to strut my stuff.
So I'm begging, no, pleading–please let us in turn be your muse. Don't let substance be your insight to creation. Think of the little ones when you speak. Just know there are millions who look to you every time you open your mouth.
No, I'm not gushing. I'm just telling it as I see it. As things are going, I predict another hit album from the Haus of Gaga, and then I foresee a catastrophic conclusion to your vocation.
I guess it's the smart thing to quit at the pinnacle of popularity, right? Marilyn Monroe will forever be frozen in time as an ageless beauty because she died at the height of her career. But I would rather see you fade with age than have the world lose you.
In this sense, I hope you make a bad career choice and live rather than join the annals of wonderful entertainers who destroyed themselves through bad decisions and substance abuse.
Please feel free to reply!
Gaga, you have done the world both a huge favor and a considerable disservice.
You have given children of all ages the strength to stand up and embrace what makes them unique. You've inspired thousands if not millions of fans to throw off the bonds of conformity and laugh in the face of subsequent social rejection.
I give this achievement five golden rhinestone lobster platform shoes and a huge Minnie Mouse bow completely made of platinum blonde hair. Well done, Gaga. Well done.
But in becoming the fabulous Monster you are, you've also encouraged a generation of young music and fashion enthusiasts to not only draw inspiration from your achievements but to also imitate many of your extra-curricular activities.
According to "Lady Gaga On Sex, Fame, Drugs, and Her Fans," by Lisa Robinson published in the September 2010 issue of Vanity Fair you said: "I won't lie; it's occasional. And when I say occasional, I mean maybe a couple of times a year."
You were speaking of your cocaine habit, of course. But even a couple of times a year may be too much.
Now, I applaud your ability to be so candid about such an unpleasant topic, but I fear you may be going the way of such stars as Judy Garland, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Elvis Presley.
Your latest single, "Born This Way," was a lyrical dream to me. You are such a brilliant poet and an amazing pianist. While some may disagree, I believe your latest song is a step in the right direction. It's a throwback to the Madonna-era revolution, and I love it.
I believe there are many of your minions who feel the same as I do. Unfortunately I fear many of them will blindly follow in your footsteps and go to great lengths to emulate you–drugs and all.
I have to give this failure to see how you may be negatively affecting your fans four ruby slippers of sadness and a golden jump suit of despair. Let them be a constant reminder to you that fantastical fabulousities like Dorothy and The King can have a tragic end.
Although you were just in grade school when Kurt Cobain committed suicide, I'm sure you recall the repercussion of his actions. MTV's Kurt Loder immediately took to the airwaves and begged viewers not to pursue similar procedures.
His death rocked the world, and who knows how many young people took their own lives in grief.
His rampant drug use was only revealed after the fact. No one outside his inner circle really knew his heroine addiction was out of control, and no one could foresee his depression would lead to his demise.
Will this be your story?
If you haven't already figured it out, I consider myself a Little Monster. But as my little monster paws type out this close-to-home Skewed Review, I am saddened to think my idol may one day die.
I panic when I think of all the wonderful music and shocking fashions that would die with you. And I tremble to think of all the Little Monsters who would follow you–even into death.
I am proud to say you inspire me to be ferocious and magnificent. You make me think the word "action" every time I step outside my door. Because of you, I am not afraid to express on the outside who I am on the inside.
You are the reason I feel alive and glittery. I feel as though the world is my runway, and I am walking it in 12-inch-high McQueen heels. And because of you, I'm not afraid to fall. I'll just get back up, wrap my ankle if needed, and continue to strut my stuff.
So I'm begging, no, pleading–please let us in turn be your muse. Don't let substance be your insight to creation. Think of the little ones when you speak. Just know there are millions who look to you every time you open your mouth.
No, I'm not gushing. I'm just telling it as I see it. As things are going, I predict another hit album from the Haus of Gaga, and then I foresee a catastrophic conclusion to your vocation.
I guess it's the smart thing to quit at the pinnacle of popularity, right? Marilyn Monroe will forever be frozen in time as an ageless beauty because she died at the height of her career. But I would rather see you fade with age than have the world lose you.
In this sense, I hope you make a bad career choice and live rather than join the annals of wonderful entertainers who destroyed themselves through bad decisions and substance abuse.
Horray For Podcasts!
I was once an avid AM radio listener with a huge allegiance to fanatics like Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin, but I've since changed my tune because of one simple word: Podcast.
I'm not announcing a change of ideals; I'm still an advocate for hating everything. Rather, I'm announcing how wonderful podcasts are, and I encourage everyone to try on at least one for size. If it fits, you may want to try on another.
I won't say talk radio is manipulative and indoctrinates listeners, but it's amazing that after only a few months of driving around in my truck and listening to the rants of far-right pundits I found myself taking their rhetoric into serious consideration.
Of course there were always things I agreed with, even before discovering talk radio. The whole "green" movement, for example, is completely contradictory to me, and since many of those talk radio loudmouths felt the same way, I was inclined to listen and agree with the other opinions they expressed.
But thanks to podcasting I no longer have that issue (although I still think "being green" is just a farce).
My review for talk radio hosts is four days with their mouths duct-taped shut and thus having to do their radio broadcasts in sign language. They get an additional review of two more duct-taped days having to listen to callers–without the option to disconnect calls when the hosts don't agree with the listeners.
Just weeks before Salt Lake City's Radio From Hell show made a visit to the DSC campus, I discovered the show offered a podcast. Since I'd been an avid listener when I lived up north I decided to take a leap into the world of iPod and iPad radio and subscribe.
Suddenly I realized I could not only listen to AM radio talk shows, but listen to almost any talk show I wanted! I wasn't confined to the claustrophobic cab of my Toyota Tacoma. No longer would I have to sit and idle in my gas-guzzling truck to listen to something interesting on the radio.
Touch, hippies. It looks like you've won this round.
Podcasting in general gets a review of five gold stars. And I mean movie stars–movie stars dipped in gold so they can be easily placed upon a very large mantle.
I decided to subscribe to The Geekshow Podcast, which was recommended through Radio From Hell. Since both podcasts are produced by uber-liberal people, the content reflected uber-liberal ideals.
At first I respectfully disagreed with much of their opinions because, in a way, I was still brainwashed by angry conservatives. But after a few weeks of listening to the other side of the argument I found myself changing my own opinions.
I already know what you're thinking because podcasts have given me the power to read minds.
"You're just being indoctrinated by the other side," you say.
Well, you're wrong. Instead of agreeing with everything I heard on podcasts, I started to identify which opinions were actually my own. By hearing various points of political arguments I was able to better form my own views on things.
The time for re-tweeting a Sean Hannity (or Rachel Maddow, if that's you're cup of tea) quote was over!
To the act of indoctrination via media, my review is one year of all those involved being submerged by indoctrination, only replace "indoct" with the letter "u."
After a few short weeks I found podcasts for various topics I was interested in. There's beginning to be a wear mark on my iPad screen where the "subscribe" button appears when I look through podcasts.
Almost every podcast is free. Believe it or not, the podcasts of the AM radio shows I used to listen to are actually most of the podcasts you have to pay for.
Paying for podcasts is like buying a couch circa 1973 for $1,200. You could get the same couch near a dumpster at a storage facility for roughly, well, nothing.
My review for podcasters who charge is a three-month period of having to pay a simple fee. A fee to breathe oxygen. It will be a low fee of course: only a $30 subscription per week.
From music to movies and politics to news, podcasts have everything AM radio has, only better. If you subscribe to a particular podcast, your iTunes account will automatically update whenever a new episode comes out. Most podcasts are released on a weekly basis, but some come out every day.
So whatever your fancy, there's a podcast for you. Did you know there's even a Dixie Sun podcast? And even better, there's a Skewed Review podcast, which will start with this issue!
Go to www.dixiesunlink-.com to subscribe to our podcast. For my first podcast I will be giving a few recommendations for super-awesome podcasts, as well as a review for those podcasts and some thoughts about this semester so far.
Subscribe and you'll get better grades. I just know it.
Bravo, podcasts! You've turned me into one of those people who will never hear someone calling their name because they always have buds crammed into their ears.
I'm not announcing a change of ideals; I'm still an advocate for hating everything. Rather, I'm announcing how wonderful podcasts are, and I encourage everyone to try on at least one for size. If it fits, you may want to try on another.
I won't say talk radio is manipulative and indoctrinates listeners, but it's amazing that after only a few months of driving around in my truck and listening to the rants of far-right pundits I found myself taking their rhetoric into serious consideration.
Of course there were always things I agreed with, even before discovering talk radio. The whole "green" movement, for example, is completely contradictory to me, and since many of those talk radio loudmouths felt the same way, I was inclined to listen and agree with the other opinions they expressed.
But thanks to podcasting I no longer have that issue (although I still think "being green" is just a farce).
My review for talk radio hosts is four days with their mouths duct-taped shut and thus having to do their radio broadcasts in sign language. They get an additional review of two more duct-taped days having to listen to callers–without the option to disconnect calls when the hosts don't agree with the listeners.
Just weeks before Salt Lake City's Radio From Hell show made a visit to the DSC campus, I discovered the show offered a podcast. Since I'd been an avid listener when I lived up north I decided to take a leap into the world of iPod and iPad radio and subscribe.
Suddenly I realized I could not only listen to AM radio talk shows, but listen to almost any talk show I wanted! I wasn't confined to the claustrophobic cab of my Toyota Tacoma. No longer would I have to sit and idle in my gas-guzzling truck to listen to something interesting on the radio.
Touch, hippies. It looks like you've won this round.
Podcasting in general gets a review of five gold stars. And I mean movie stars–movie stars dipped in gold so they can be easily placed upon a very large mantle.
I decided to subscribe to The Geekshow Podcast, which was recommended through Radio From Hell. Since both podcasts are produced by uber-liberal people, the content reflected uber-liberal ideals.
At first I respectfully disagreed with much of their opinions because, in a way, I was still brainwashed by angry conservatives. But after a few weeks of listening to the other side of the argument I found myself changing my own opinions.
I already know what you're thinking because podcasts have given me the power to read minds.
"You're just being indoctrinated by the other side," you say.
Well, you're wrong. Instead of agreeing with everything I heard on podcasts, I started to identify which opinions were actually my own. By hearing various points of political arguments I was able to better form my own views on things.
The time for re-tweeting a Sean Hannity (or Rachel Maddow, if that's you're cup of tea) quote was over!
To the act of indoctrination via media, my review is one year of all those involved being submerged by indoctrination, only replace "indoct" with the letter "u."
After a few short weeks I found podcasts for various topics I was interested in. There's beginning to be a wear mark on my iPad screen where the "subscribe" button appears when I look through podcasts.
Almost every podcast is free. Believe it or not, the podcasts of the AM radio shows I used to listen to are actually most of the podcasts you have to pay for.
Paying for podcasts is like buying a couch circa 1973 for $1,200. You could get the same couch near a dumpster at a storage facility for roughly, well, nothing.
My review for podcasters who charge is a three-month period of having to pay a simple fee. A fee to breathe oxygen. It will be a low fee of course: only a $30 subscription per week.
From music to movies and politics to news, podcasts have everything AM radio has, only better. If you subscribe to a particular podcast, your iTunes account will automatically update whenever a new episode comes out. Most podcasts are released on a weekly basis, but some come out every day.
So whatever your fancy, there's a podcast for you. Did you know there's even a Dixie Sun podcast? And even better, there's a Skewed Review podcast, which will start with this issue!
Go to www.dixiesunlink-.com to subscribe to our podcast. For my first podcast I will be giving a few recommendations for super-awesome podcasts, as well as a review for those podcasts and some thoughts about this semester so far.
Subscribe and you'll get better grades. I just know it.
Bravo, podcasts! You've turned me into one of those people who will never hear someone calling their name because they always have buds crammed into their ears.
Get Motivated!
There are certain times of the year when certain things happen that get so repetitive I want to scream; specifically those clichés concerning the new year.
If you haven't already figured it out, one of my biggest pet peeves is the so called New Year's resolution. It's such a ridiculous concept, which countless numbers of people pretend to take part in but never actually do.
Let's take me for example. I believe since I was 16 years old I have always made the resolution that Jan. 1 will be the day I will start losing weight. But wait… is that leftover Christmas Almond Roca? And isn't that some extra crème brulee cheesecake from last night's New Year's Eve party? We can't let it go to waste!
That's usually about the time I change my New Year's resolution. My newer New Year's resolution then becomes: Stop being so wasteful. My mission is then accomplished as I polish off the cheesecake and munch on Almond Roca while watching "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," which breaks my other obscure resolution concerning eliminating my laziness and ignoring frivolous reality TV.
It's sad news indeed for me, but it's even sadder because it seems all my friends have similar, if not identical, problems with their own resolutions.
It's almost as if there's an inner child within all of us who is just waiting for a chance to break the rules. So when we set standards for ourselves that bratty little delinquent within bursts out and gets to work on being counterproductive.
So I truly admire anyone who makes a New Year's resolution and actually sticks with it throughout the year. As soon as I meet someone who has done that I will give him or her the praise he or she deserves. But as of yet, I have met none.
The fact of the matter is we all have a daily routine, and it's nearly impossible to break those routines at the stroke of midnight on the first of January. I honestly believe that come February most, if not all, people have already forgotten they even made a New Year's resolution in the first place.
For every resolution I've ever broken I award myself four out of five bags of burning dog poo placed on my front porch. And for those of you who make similar resolutions and fail to follow through, I hereby give you the review of 10 out of 10 stars. And I mean Hollywood stars. Hollywood stars you will never resemble because you failed to keep that weight loss resolution.
So despite all my negativity about resolutions starting in 2011, I am going to pose a challenge to all of my faithful readers. It's a challenge that was inspired at a bowling alley.
As she strapped on her bowling shoes, a friend of mine told me she purchased a bottle of higher quality champagne and taped her list of New Year's resolutions to it. She said when 2012 rolls around she will look at the list, and if everything on it is accomplished she and her husband will celebrate by drinking that bottle of champagne. If not? The bottle will go unopened for another year. So even if the goals aren't achieved eventually she'll have an expensive bottle of vintage champagne, no?
I thought it was a fabulous idea. However, some people don't drink, so I've had to ponder a bit on how to take my friend's idea and mold it into something everyone can use.
So here is the challenge: Write down one resolution. Make sure it's something you can actually achieve. If you're in the mood to work on a five-year plan or you're looking to make a million dollars, then you need to go to a seminar hosted by Steve Jobs. I'm only here to help you achieve mediocrity.
If you need to drop a few pounds (like me) then make your resolution a five-pound weight loss goal. If you need to save more money, have your resolution be to put five extra dollars per paycheck into a savings account. If you are trying to manage your anger, make the resolution to take a five minute break when you start getting mad over something. Five is the magic number.
If the goal is simple and easy to achieve you will feel better knowing you can and will accomplish it.
Now take the paper with your one resolution and tape it to an item you want to use (preferably something non-perishable), and then put it in plain sight for you and everyone in the world to see. Well, unless your goal is something like "I will stop shoplifting five less thongs than I usually do," in which case just put that item in a place where only you will see it.
You are not allowed to touch said item until 2012. Don't even dust it.
For me, I am going to place my resolution on a copy of "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins, which is the very positively reviewed first book in a series of three. I've been dying to read it, but I am actually going to wait an entire year. And by 2012, if I've accomplished my goal, then my reward will be to finally read "The Hunger Games" trilogy.
However, you can put yours on any number of things. A new iPod, perhaps? The latest version of "World of Warcraft" maybe? Perhaps the final season of "Lost" on Blu-Ray with the director's commentary explaining what the heck was even going on in that show? The possibilities are limitless.
If I do this, it will be the first year I've ever followed through on a New Year's resolution, and I think if you try it, it just might be the motivation you need to complete your resolutions as well.
So you'll never guess what my resolution is. It is to lose weight. I'll just say five pounds, and hopefully once those five chubby pounds melt away I will be motivated to lose five more. Then five more after that. Then who knows? I might actually live to see the day when I don't have love handles.
Yes. Just like I said last year: "I'm actually going to do it this time."
If you haven't already figured it out, one of my biggest pet peeves is the so called New Year's resolution. It's such a ridiculous concept, which countless numbers of people pretend to take part in but never actually do.
Let's take me for example. I believe since I was 16 years old I have always made the resolution that Jan. 1 will be the day I will start losing weight. But wait… is that leftover Christmas Almond Roca? And isn't that some extra crème brulee cheesecake from last night's New Year's Eve party? We can't let it go to waste!
That's usually about the time I change my New Year's resolution. My newer New Year's resolution then becomes: Stop being so wasteful. My mission is then accomplished as I polish off the cheesecake and munch on Almond Roca while watching "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," which breaks my other obscure resolution concerning eliminating my laziness and ignoring frivolous reality TV.
It's sad news indeed for me, but it's even sadder because it seems all my friends have similar, if not identical, problems with their own resolutions.
It's almost as if there's an inner child within all of us who is just waiting for a chance to break the rules. So when we set standards for ourselves that bratty little delinquent within bursts out and gets to work on being counterproductive.
So I truly admire anyone who makes a New Year's resolution and actually sticks with it throughout the year. As soon as I meet someone who has done that I will give him or her the praise he or she deserves. But as of yet, I have met none.
The fact of the matter is we all have a daily routine, and it's nearly impossible to break those routines at the stroke of midnight on the first of January. I honestly believe that come February most, if not all, people have already forgotten they even made a New Year's resolution in the first place.
For every resolution I've ever broken I award myself four out of five bags of burning dog poo placed on my front porch. And for those of you who make similar resolutions and fail to follow through, I hereby give you the review of 10 out of 10 stars. And I mean Hollywood stars. Hollywood stars you will never resemble because you failed to keep that weight loss resolution.
So despite all my negativity about resolutions starting in 2011, I am going to pose a challenge to all of my faithful readers. It's a challenge that was inspired at a bowling alley.
As she strapped on her bowling shoes, a friend of mine told me she purchased a bottle of higher quality champagne and taped her list of New Year's resolutions to it. She said when 2012 rolls around she will look at the list, and if everything on it is accomplished she and her husband will celebrate by drinking that bottle of champagne. If not? The bottle will go unopened for another year. So even if the goals aren't achieved eventually she'll have an expensive bottle of vintage champagne, no?
I thought it was a fabulous idea. However, some people don't drink, so I've had to ponder a bit on how to take my friend's idea and mold it into something everyone can use.
So here is the challenge: Write down one resolution. Make sure it's something you can actually achieve. If you're in the mood to work on a five-year plan or you're looking to make a million dollars, then you need to go to a seminar hosted by Steve Jobs. I'm only here to help you achieve mediocrity.
If you need to drop a few pounds (like me) then make your resolution a five-pound weight loss goal. If you need to save more money, have your resolution be to put five extra dollars per paycheck into a savings account. If you are trying to manage your anger, make the resolution to take a five minute break when you start getting mad over something. Five is the magic number.
If the goal is simple and easy to achieve you will feel better knowing you can and will accomplish it.
Now take the paper with your one resolution and tape it to an item you want to use (preferably something non-perishable), and then put it in plain sight for you and everyone in the world to see. Well, unless your goal is something like "I will stop shoplifting five less thongs than I usually do," in which case just put that item in a place where only you will see it.
You are not allowed to touch said item until 2012. Don't even dust it.
For me, I am going to place my resolution on a copy of "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins, which is the very positively reviewed first book in a series of three. I've been dying to read it, but I am actually going to wait an entire year. And by 2012, if I've accomplished my goal, then my reward will be to finally read "The Hunger Games" trilogy.
However, you can put yours on any number of things. A new iPod, perhaps? The latest version of "World of Warcraft" maybe? Perhaps the final season of "Lost" on Blu-Ray with the director's commentary explaining what the heck was even going on in that show? The possibilities are limitless.
If I do this, it will be the first year I've ever followed through on a New Year's resolution, and I think if you try it, it just might be the motivation you need to complete your resolutions as well.
So you'll never guess what my resolution is. It is to lose weight. I'll just say five pounds, and hopefully once those five chubby pounds melt away I will be motivated to lose five more. Then five more after that. Then who knows? I might actually live to see the day when I don't have love handles.
Yes. Just like I said last year: "I'm actually going to do it this time."
Man, I Got Flack For This!
The Westates Theatres
0 stars
Hey, it's how I felt before the phone call
A few years ago I, along with everyone I knew, were almost beside ourselves with joy when the Westates Theatres upgraded to stadium seating. The older theaters got revamped, and we were given a brand-new stadium that could contend with big city cinemas.
But as the years have gone by, I have found more and more reasons to dislike this theater company, specifically the monopoly it holds on movies in St. George and the surrounding area.
For the past few months I have been highly anticipating two movies that I think would have blown me out of the water with their entertainment values. The first was "The Warrior's Way," about a ninja who leaves his clan and joins a rag-tag settlement of cowboys in what looks to be an abandoned theme park in an alternative universe.
Now, this does sound hokey, but is hokey not the number one ingredient in many of our most favorite films?
The second movie I was looking forward to is a movie that has been getting some Oscar buzz on internet movie sites: "The Black Swan." This dark movie by the director of "Requiem for a Dream" and "The Wrestler" has one of the more intriguing trailers I've seen in a while.
This Friday felt to me like Christmas does to a little child. There wasn't just one film out there to see, but two. And rarely do two films come out at the same time that I'm dying to see.
Well, I forgot I lived in St. George, because neither of those films are available to see.
I don't know why. The only reason I can come up with is that the Westates folks are wanting to hang on to the Harry Potter cash cow for as long as possible and refuse to give up time and space to new releases. Even that might be a weak argument, though, because they released "Burlesque" over the Thanksgiving weekend.
If I want to see "Black Swan" or "Warrior's Way," I'm going to have to drive to Las Vegas, which according to MovieFone.com, is the closest city playing both films.
I can only hope someone from Westates Theatres will wise up and start playing movies when they are supposed to be played. I don't want to have to wait around for almost a year, just before these movies' release dates, and see it in that crappy theater behind the mall (something that happened with the movie musical "Nine").
Is it bad practice to show movie-goers a trailer in your theater and then refuse to show the movie itself? This critic says yes. Very bad practice indeed.
What can a phone call do?
It didn't take more than a couple of hours after I wrote my opinion about the theaters before my phone rang today. Who should it be but a higher-up for Westates Theatres. He was irate to say the least that I would post an opinion such as this without first consulting someone in the know.
Yes, that may be correct, so allow me to set the record straight for anyone who isn't as educated on film distribution as our friend in Salt Lake City.
He explained to me that film companies make a certain number of prints per film, and because sometimes those numbers can be low, smaller cities like St. George aren't privy to the new movies.
The manager also reiterated that films like "Harry Potter" are indeed top-grossing movies that bring in the customers, so it's no surprise that a business would take advantage of keeping those types of movies around a little longer.
But while my initial review was that of annoyance because of my inability to see the movies I wanted, the authoritative voice on the other end of the phone was nothing short of irate.
I will not apologize for my dismay at not being able to see the movies I want to see. For future reference, just in case anyone is in the same boat I was, Westates Theatres does what it can to get the movies that will be most profitable, and often show art house films as well. They were a huge contributor to the recent DOCUTAH film festival, too. They do try their hardest to get all the movies they can to St. George, and for that, they are practicing good business.
But the one thing that Westates Theatres is absolutely no good at, is customer service. I would never, and I mean never, call up someone who had an opinion as well as a first amendement right to print that opinion and yell at him or her for almost 20 minutes about how stupid he or she was and how stupid his or her opinion is.
That's what the Westates Theatres higher-up did to me. Keep that in mind the next time you purchase your tickets.
0 stars
Hey, it's how I felt before the phone call
A few years ago I, along with everyone I knew, were almost beside ourselves with joy when the Westates Theatres upgraded to stadium seating. The older theaters got revamped, and we were given a brand-new stadium that could contend with big city cinemas.
But as the years have gone by, I have found more and more reasons to dislike this theater company, specifically the monopoly it holds on movies in St. George and the surrounding area.
For the past few months I have been highly anticipating two movies that I think would have blown me out of the water with their entertainment values. The first was "The Warrior's Way," about a ninja who leaves his clan and joins a rag-tag settlement of cowboys in what looks to be an abandoned theme park in an alternative universe.
Now, this does sound hokey, but is hokey not the number one ingredient in many of our most favorite films?
The second movie I was looking forward to is a movie that has been getting some Oscar buzz on internet movie sites: "The Black Swan." This dark movie by the director of "Requiem for a Dream" and "The Wrestler" has one of the more intriguing trailers I've seen in a while.
This Friday felt to me like Christmas does to a little child. There wasn't just one film out there to see, but two. And rarely do two films come out at the same time that I'm dying to see.
Well, I forgot I lived in St. George, because neither of those films are available to see.
I don't know why. The only reason I can come up with is that the Westates folks are wanting to hang on to the Harry Potter cash cow for as long as possible and refuse to give up time and space to new releases. Even that might be a weak argument, though, because they released "Burlesque" over the Thanksgiving weekend.
If I want to see "Black Swan" or "Warrior's Way," I'm going to have to drive to Las Vegas, which according to MovieFone.com, is the closest city playing both films.
I can only hope someone from Westates Theatres will wise up and start playing movies when they are supposed to be played. I don't want to have to wait around for almost a year, just before these movies' release dates, and see it in that crappy theater behind the mall (something that happened with the movie musical "Nine").
Is it bad practice to show movie-goers a trailer in your theater and then refuse to show the movie itself? This critic says yes. Very bad practice indeed.
What can a phone call do?
It didn't take more than a couple of hours after I wrote my opinion about the theaters before my phone rang today. Who should it be but a higher-up for Westates Theatres. He was irate to say the least that I would post an opinion such as this without first consulting someone in the know.
Yes, that may be correct, so allow me to set the record straight for anyone who isn't as educated on film distribution as our friend in Salt Lake City.
He explained to me that film companies make a certain number of prints per film, and because sometimes those numbers can be low, smaller cities like St. George aren't privy to the new movies.
The manager also reiterated that films like "Harry Potter" are indeed top-grossing movies that bring in the customers, so it's no surprise that a business would take advantage of keeping those types of movies around a little longer.
But while my initial review was that of annoyance because of my inability to see the movies I wanted, the authoritative voice on the other end of the phone was nothing short of irate.
I will not apologize for my dismay at not being able to see the movies I want to see. For future reference, just in case anyone is in the same boat I was, Westates Theatres does what it can to get the movies that will be most profitable, and often show art house films as well. They were a huge contributor to the recent DOCUTAH film festival, too. They do try their hardest to get all the movies they can to St. George, and for that, they are practicing good business.
But the one thing that Westates Theatres is absolutely no good at, is customer service. I would never, and I mean never, call up someone who had an opinion as well as a first amendement right to print that opinion and yell at him or her for almost 20 minutes about how stupid he or she was and how stupid his or her opinion is.
That's what the Westates Theatres higher-up did to me. Keep that in mind the next time you purchase your tickets.
Please Shut Up During The Film!
I've reviewed many situations over the past couple of years, and I've just begun my stint reviewing movies this semester, but I haven't yet tackled the situation of people at the movies, so I'd like to address that now.
With the holiday season upon us, many folks are flocking to the theaters to see all the cool movies the film companies release around this time of the year. ‘Tis the season to stand in line for a three-hour midnight movie. Fa la la la la!
Here's the bothersome issue: You know the age-old clichés concerning movie-goer etiquette? You know, don't bring a baby, don't talk during the movie, get off your damn cell phone and all the others. Well, we're quick to condemn but consider ourselves the exception to the rule, right?
We should all bring ourselves down a peg because as important as we all think we are (and I'm including myself in this analysis), we're still no less annoying to those around us.
Hey, even if I were sitting next to the leader of my religion, Lady Gaga, and she was texting during a movie, I would be annoyed regardless of her goddess status.
Sure, you may think you're above whipping out your cell phone during the latest Harry Potter fiasco. But I wonder if there's anyone out there who hasn't felt his or her phone vibrating in the middle of a flick, and that person opens up the phone and thinks, "Oh, shoot! This is really important!" Hey, you don't have to admit it. We've all done it.
And here's a situation we can all relate to. This has been done by everyone I know, and I'm a constant witness to this little event at almost every movie I go to.
Picture this: You're in the darkened movie theater and suddenly you hear someone's phone ringing, despite the giant text on the screen not but 30 minutes prior asking everyone to turn off all cell phones.
The ringing then stops, but you hear in a whisper so loud it might as well have been screamed: "Hey, I'm in a movie. Yeah. Can I call you back?"
This is then followed by more whispering. Usually the conversation includes the name of the movie, how much longer the movie will be, how good the movie is so far, etc.
Here's a little tip for those of you who absolutely have to take that call: Ignore the phone call, remove yourself from the theater, and call your besty/lawyer/mom/parole officer once you are in the lobby.
It's one thing to pay for a movie and decide you don't want to watch it. But it's another when you make the decision to distract others after they paid for the same movie. The folks out there who have enough money to pay for a movie and then sit in the theater and talk on their phones get a review: the next 10 events they attend, be it movie, concert or church, are spent sandwiched between two mobile phone addicts who happen to be an accountant and a stock broker. Oh, and let's say it's the height of tax season and there just happened to be a stock market crash.
And this brings me to my next big no-no in the theater: texting.
I'm no fan of texting, and I never really got on board with using it as a communication tool in lieu of face-to-face conversation. This grating irritation is only compounded by a dark movie theater.
You may think texting in a movie is OK, but guess what? It can be even more distracting than answering your phone. I can be sitting high up in the stadium seats, enjoying the latest "Narnia" movie (although I doubt it), when suddenly an iPhone pops up in the crowd below me.
Now for some reason, the people at HTC and Apple and Samsung have decided to make the phones they sell super-duper bright. The touch screen makes it worse because the entire phone has to be illuminated. My eyes immediately fall to the device in the audience, and what do you know? I miss that cool CGI effect of Aslan's hair blowing in the wind.
If you are busy enough that you have to text during a movie, maybe movie-time shouldn't be in your schedule. Or perhaps you should treat a movie like a business appointment. Clear your schedule and tell all your texting-starved friends you will be unavailable between the hours of movie start and movie end time.
Those folks who text during movies shouldn't get a review. Just a punishment. I hereby call out all movie theaters to keep someone on guard and kick out people who ruin it for others by texting. No refunds.
Come on people! What will it take? Security checkpoints before entering a theater? Are we going to have to go so far as to surrender our cell phones and be submitted to full-body scans just to prevent phone usage in the movie?
Unfortunately this Skewed Review could go on and on. Laughing at things not related to the movie and play-by-play commentary from the ladies sitting next to me really gets under my skin. Leaving a drink and popcorn on the floor, which I ultimately kick over and step in on my way out, totally irritates me.
And the patrons of the films aren't the only problem. I can't handle theater employees who act like police when they take my ticket. They'll eye me like I'm up to no good, briskly tear my ticket and then say, "Third theater on the right" in a very Gestapo-esque voice.
I don't like that there aren't healthy snack options, and you'd think I'd started World War III when I try to bring in a bag of carrots. Theater employees who clean the theater afterward and give me the stink-eye because I'm waiting until the end of the credits also drive me mad.
Wow. I guess I need to give myself a review, huh? Perhaps I need to take a look back and realize I live in a society where not everything is going to go well for me. But I can also make the conscious decision to try and make other people's movie experience a good one, and I would hope those others would do me the same favor. That way I can go back to doing what I do very well: watching other people's hard work and then saying how bad it is.
With the holiday season upon us, many folks are flocking to the theaters to see all the cool movies the film companies release around this time of the year. ‘Tis the season to stand in line for a three-hour midnight movie. Fa la la la la!
Here's the bothersome issue: You know the age-old clichés concerning movie-goer etiquette? You know, don't bring a baby, don't talk during the movie, get off your damn cell phone and all the others. Well, we're quick to condemn but consider ourselves the exception to the rule, right?
We should all bring ourselves down a peg because as important as we all think we are (and I'm including myself in this analysis), we're still no less annoying to those around us.
Hey, even if I were sitting next to the leader of my religion, Lady Gaga, and she was texting during a movie, I would be annoyed regardless of her goddess status.
Sure, you may think you're above whipping out your cell phone during the latest Harry Potter fiasco. But I wonder if there's anyone out there who hasn't felt his or her phone vibrating in the middle of a flick, and that person opens up the phone and thinks, "Oh, shoot! This is really important!" Hey, you don't have to admit it. We've all done it.
And here's a situation we can all relate to. This has been done by everyone I know, and I'm a constant witness to this little event at almost every movie I go to.
Picture this: You're in the darkened movie theater and suddenly you hear someone's phone ringing, despite the giant text on the screen not but 30 minutes prior asking everyone to turn off all cell phones.
The ringing then stops, but you hear in a whisper so loud it might as well have been screamed: "Hey, I'm in a movie. Yeah. Can I call you back?"
This is then followed by more whispering. Usually the conversation includes the name of the movie, how much longer the movie will be, how good the movie is so far, etc.
Here's a little tip for those of you who absolutely have to take that call: Ignore the phone call, remove yourself from the theater, and call your besty/lawyer/mom/parole officer once you are in the lobby.
It's one thing to pay for a movie and decide you don't want to watch it. But it's another when you make the decision to distract others after they paid for the same movie. The folks out there who have enough money to pay for a movie and then sit in the theater and talk on their phones get a review: the next 10 events they attend, be it movie, concert or church, are spent sandwiched between two mobile phone addicts who happen to be an accountant and a stock broker. Oh, and let's say it's the height of tax season and there just happened to be a stock market crash.
And this brings me to my next big no-no in the theater: texting.
I'm no fan of texting, and I never really got on board with using it as a communication tool in lieu of face-to-face conversation. This grating irritation is only compounded by a dark movie theater.
You may think texting in a movie is OK, but guess what? It can be even more distracting than answering your phone. I can be sitting high up in the stadium seats, enjoying the latest "Narnia" movie (although I doubt it), when suddenly an iPhone pops up in the crowd below me.
Now for some reason, the people at HTC and Apple and Samsung have decided to make the phones they sell super-duper bright. The touch screen makes it worse because the entire phone has to be illuminated. My eyes immediately fall to the device in the audience, and what do you know? I miss that cool CGI effect of Aslan's hair blowing in the wind.
If you are busy enough that you have to text during a movie, maybe movie-time shouldn't be in your schedule. Or perhaps you should treat a movie like a business appointment. Clear your schedule and tell all your texting-starved friends you will be unavailable between the hours of movie start and movie end time.
Those folks who text during movies shouldn't get a review. Just a punishment. I hereby call out all movie theaters to keep someone on guard and kick out people who ruin it for others by texting. No refunds.
Come on people! What will it take? Security checkpoints before entering a theater? Are we going to have to go so far as to surrender our cell phones and be submitted to full-body scans just to prevent phone usage in the movie?
Unfortunately this Skewed Review could go on and on. Laughing at things not related to the movie and play-by-play commentary from the ladies sitting next to me really gets under my skin. Leaving a drink and popcorn on the floor, which I ultimately kick over and step in on my way out, totally irritates me.
And the patrons of the films aren't the only problem. I can't handle theater employees who act like police when they take my ticket. They'll eye me like I'm up to no good, briskly tear my ticket and then say, "Third theater on the right" in a very Gestapo-esque voice.
I don't like that there aren't healthy snack options, and you'd think I'd started World War III when I try to bring in a bag of carrots. Theater employees who clean the theater afterward and give me the stink-eye because I'm waiting until the end of the credits also drive me mad.
Wow. I guess I need to give myself a review, huh? Perhaps I need to take a look back and realize I live in a society where not everything is going to go well for me. But I can also make the conscious decision to try and make other people's movie experience a good one, and I would hope those others would do me the same favor. That way I can go back to doing what I do very well: watching other people's hard work and then saying how bad it is.
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