Reality TV is the signal of the beginning of the end of humanity as we know it.
I can feel it in my heart. Everything that's wrong with our world today can be found, and magnified, through reality TV. Not only are we glued to our flat screen HDTVs, but we are also pretty much paying people to destroy each other for our own amusement.
Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah. Rome. Right before it fell.
Only instead of pitting lions against Christians or gladiators against Russell Crowe, we're pitting rich housewives against their frienemies, and drunken Snookies against beach-side police officers.
Oh, my dear Snooki, I have a little review for you: Seven out of seven pickle-less days cleaning up your own vomit from the coast of New Jersey. Wait, I don't think that would be enough time. Better change those days into years.
In the end, who's the winner in all of this?
Guess what? It's not you, and it's not me. We may think we're being entertained by their stupidity, and we'll console ourselves by saying things like, "‘Jersey Shore' makes me feel better about myself because I'm not that drunk/stupid/promiscuous/drunk."
But the fact of the matter is those reality stars are laughing (and most likely hiccupping) the whole way as they stumble to the bank.
Now I'm no socialist, but I'd be willing to give up my political views to stop the madness.
Did you know each member of the "Jersey Shore" cast will be earning half a million dollars per month for season four? What's worse is that people will stop trying to be productive with themselves and instead start partying and screwing in an attempt to gain glory, money and STDs in the same manner as these 30-year-old goof-offs who haven't really accomplished a single viable thing in their witless little lives!
Breathe, Matty, breathe. It'll be OK.
Only it won't. Although "Jersey Shore" is the highest-rated show in MTV history, it's not the only reality show people are watching. The fact of the matter is no matter which reality show you turn to, there's almost exclusively a hideous underlying message that will be driving people to become the worst possible versions of themselves.
Need more examples? Fine.
"Real Housewives:" This show gives the impression that all you have to do is marry a rich guy, and then you'll get your own reality show where you can fight over stupid things like weaves and diamonds with your fellow gold diggers.
"Basketball Wives:" When you can't get on "Real Housewives," you have something else to shoot for! Pun intended. I wonder if any of the players feel as if they're being used? Because they are.
"Teen Mom:" Have you heard? There's been rumor of girls getting pregnant on purpose so they can be a part of this so-called "documentary series" (straight from MTV.com). In the end, these single mothers come out on top with loads of cash and hoards of paparazzi in tow. Thanks again, MTV!
"Bachelor/Bachelorette:" Is it just me, or isn't this show pretty much just high-end prostitution? Only instead of cash, the hookers get roses and fame. The only thing this does for civilization is teach the desperate that it's not about love; It's about competing with your fellow strumpets.
"Rock of Love/Love of Ray Jay/Any other VHI has-been hooking up:" See "Bachelor/Bachelorette," only without "high-end," and with gonorrhea.
"The Biggest Loser:" Yes, I have a problem with this show too. I know it's all about self-improvement, but you can't tell me there isn't someone out there right now eating every Twinkie in sight just to get on that show.
"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition:" Matty has something bad to say about that show? Well, in essence, this is the worst show of all. Because instead of just exploiting one person, this show exploits whole families. Some of the kids involved don't even have a choice.
Unfortunately, what started out as a good idea, and an excellent plug for the home improvement industry, started becoming the template for evil of the worst kind. According to a July 29, 2008 article on FoxNews.com, titled
"‘Extreme Makeover' house faces foreclosure," a Lake City, Ga., family in need of a home got one from Ty Bennington and his array of muscles. Rather than be thankful for the home, the Harper family took out a loan against their brand-new house to the tune of $450,000. That was using the good of others and exploiting children in need. Evil.
Wow. If only they were on Jersey Shore. They could make that half a million chunk back in just about a month!
Too bad all the family's friends couldn't hear the cash register noises emitting from the parents' heads over the bus' engine as it moved out of the way.
This is the kind of ridiculousness that brings the most vile people out of the woodwork: people who think the best and easiest way to make money and fame is to use the people around them rather than use their own talents and hard work.
I'm not even sure I can give a review to anyone who exploits his or her special needs family members. I have a younger brother who has the most extreme case of autism possible, and I could never see myself using him to get a better house. I'm pretty sure there's a super-special place in hell for people who do that sort of thing.
But I do have a review for any person who seeks out fame and money through reality TV: The lot of you get five out of five botched plastic surgeries via "Bridalplasty," and one-and-a-half years doing "Tool Academy" underwear laundry. That's gross.
So the next time you get the urge to see which survivor will create an alliance only to break it and become besties with a previous enemy, maybe you should remember that even the worst skank on these shows is benefiting fiscally from your attention.
Let's treat reality TV like any typical pan handler: just ignore it, and it will eventually go away.
Turn it off. Together we can stop the madness.
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