It actually took an act of God to get the world to stop paying attention to Charlie Sheen.
Well, to stop paying attention to him for about 24 hours that is.
When I turned on the news on March 11, I was expecting the next chapter in the Sheen scandal to explode all over my screen, complete with prostitution, drugs, guns, machetes and tiger blood; I wasn't particularly looking forward to that. What I saw instead was a shock that affected me in two different ways.
I'm talking about the quakes and subsequent tidal waves in Japan. My first reaction was the same reaction I get whenever I see something of this magnitude: sickness. It doesn't matter if a country is as developed as Japan. I don't like to see suffering.
My second reaction was a mix of relief and a sense of gratitude because even the 24-hour news stations knew when to call it quits on a one-man disaster and focus on a real disaster. Who knows how much world news I missed out on because of Mr. Sheen?
Mother nature, I give you four out of five decades of SUVs running, sprinklers leaking and cattle farting for your heinous act against the world. I hope you're proud of yourself.
So it seemed the world fell back into place for the next day. People were rallying and everyone was generally concerned for Japan. Even Hollywood types started stepping in to donate.
Sandra Bullock gave $1 million, and even Lady Gaga managed to raise more than $1 million by selling bracelets where every cent of the proceeds went to aid Japan.
Well, Sheen wouldn't have any of that. Next thing you know he's back on the airwaves spouting off about a so-called comedy tour that will let Americans in on his real story (as if getting it shoved down our throats every day isn't enough.)
It only made sense that he call the show "My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not an Option." Oh, and did he mention a portion of the proceeds will go to help the good people of Japan? Good news Japan! Because he not only sold out every show, but he also had to add shows because of the demand to see him train wreck all over the stage.
Now I'd like to tell myself people are buying up tickets to help those in need, even if they are supporting one disaster to aid another.
But alas, as it turns out, only $1 of each ticket sold will be going to help Japan. Tickets bought on his website (charliesheen.com) start at fifty big ones, but you can actually meet Mr. Sheen If you're willing to fork over roughly $600. Again, only $1 will go to the Japanese aid efforts.
It wouldn't matter anyway because even if Sheen was keeping every dime for himself, people would still pay their hard-earned cash to see him spew sentiments of trolls, warlocks and goddesses.
In a nutshell, people aren't buying tickets to help those in need. Oh, the shame.
People of Earth, I have a review for you: 10 out of 12 months watching nothing but "Two and a half Men" nonstop whilst eating nothing but food grown in the radiation-soaked areas of Japan.
Now look, nothing makes me happier than watching a warlock crash and burn before my very eyes, especially if that celeb has done a whole world of hurt to many, many people.
But in Sheen's case, he's not crashing and is hardly burning. He is in fact (and I'm sorry to use the word), winning.
And now he's using Japan's pain to make his national media blitz seem like a good thing. I feel like he's piggybacking on international anguish and making it seem like he has heart.
If he at least donated half his proceeds to Japan, I would be willing to look the other way. But one measly dollar of every ticket? Please.
Sheeny boy, I award you five out of five hooker slaps and a weekend retreat with Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss. Did I mention she gets the keys to the hotel room, and you have to stay stuck in the bathroom?
By rewarding Sheen for his public breakdown we are only fueling his fire. We need to be paying attention to more important things. We most definitely should not be throwing money at the likes of Charlie.
Do you know what that makes us? Duh! Losing!
Now excuse me while I follow Gilbert Gottfried on Twitter. I can't wait to see what trouble he gets into next.
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