Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What's On Your Bucket List?



Thanks to the benefits of college, I can now officially declare that the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012.
Who knew college courses in which I had no initial interest would actually be beneficial? Yes, I've decided to approve of our college's physical geography program. Someone please pass that news on to the administration—just in case they were thinking of cutting it.
I learned the sun is a moody son of a female dog, and it has an 11-year cycle of happy-go-lucky Earth-warming kindness akin to Lady Di, and then it has an 11-year cycle of raging Charlie Sheen-like pissed-offedness in the form of solar flares. Essentially, our nearest star is a bipolar paparazzo's dream.
And guess what? The sun's next tantrum is going to be—wait for it—in 2012.
So besides not having to worry about paying back any of my student loans, I've also decided to make up a bucket list of things to do before that giant ball of gas rips one so big that Earth's eyes will literally water. I wonder if that's what happened when a certain biblical zoologist built a huge cruise liner?
So before I tell you what I'm going to do with my life before we all explode like so much Tom Cruise crazy all over so much Oprah couch, I'm going to give our celebrity star a review.
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well, apparently the same goes for our sun. I'm awarding it a strict dosage of Prozac from now until Dec 21, 2012. The only problem is the sun is billions of years old. It might just refuse the medication all together on grounds that it never had to take pills before, so it's not about to start now.
Wait, that might be the case unless it acts like the majority of our retired population, in which case pills would be like candy.
Scientists: Get on that.
The first item on my bucket list is something I already do on occasion, but now I plan to do it at every possible chance I get. I'm going to laugh at the most inappropriate times in every situation I'm a part of.
Most people who know me have already figured out I'm not the person to come to for advice. I'm snarky and ridiculous, and it's almost guaranteed that my personal advice will end up being more sarcastic than helpful. But in the event someone should come to me with serious advice, I'm just going to laugh in that person's face.
"Matty, I just lost my job," John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt said. "I have four wives and 32 children to feed back in Colorado City, and I also found out I have cancer!"
Cut to me falling on the floor in laughter. Of course I would justify my actions.
"Laughter is the best medicine, you know," Matty said.
But really, anyone who laughs at that situation is just wrong. I would give any other person a review of five out of five wives who continuously nag and drain that person's bank account. Living in Colorado City is not fodder.
Secondly, I'm going to apply for every credit card offer that comes to me in the mail. Once I have many lines of credit, I'm going to use that money and buy all the people I laugh at a fun present: like a car or a good divorce attorney. I'm not doing this to better someone else's life, so don't get me wrong. This will be an attempt to make amends so I don't actually end up in hell.
"Oh, Matty, I thought you hated me," John said. "But now I can drive from Arizona to Utah, and I only have one wife now! Thank you so much!"
Cut to me looking Mr. Schmidt right in the eyes.
"Listen, I'm sorry to hear about your cancer," Matty said. "But when you die and get to heaven, just tell them I helped you out, OK?"
Again, I must interject with another review. Anyone who really would do such a horrible thing gets the rest of his or her life paying back the debt of each sibling, cousin and brother from another mother. You should never ask someone to vouch for you in heaven. Do it your own damn self.
Last, but certainly not least, I want to go skydiving. In comparison to my other two goals to achieve before life as we know it pulls a "Sopranos" season finale, this goal seems pretty tame.
But I think I'd like to get a pair of wings surgically fused to my back so I can go skydiving sans parachute. Perhaps I won't live, but you'd better believe I just might be as famous as I'd always hoped to be for just a little while.
But don't really try that, folks. Anyone who attempts that third item gets free plastic surgery from a dyslexic surgeon. Essentially the end result will be a person with inverted knees and crossed eyes. But on the upside, this person will be able to hear things from behind very well on account of the ears being sewn on backward.
I'm not advising you to not jump from a plane and attempt to fly for your own safety. I'm telling you not to do it because I want to be the only one in history to have tried it.
Do you believe all the hoopla surrounding the end of the world? I would love to hear what's on your bucket list. Like "The Skewed Review" fan page on Facebook at Facebook.com/TheSkewedReview and follow it on Twitter @SkewedReview. Let everyone know if you think the end is nigh, and tell us all what you want to cross off your to-do list before we all cease to exist. Plus you can read some of the actual bucket list items I plan to pull off before we all bite the big one. Come join the conversation!

DSC's Week of Welcome gets the Review

Take the opportunity while it lasts because this won’t be a normal week on campus.

I’m talking about W.O.W., or Week of Welcome if you’re not an acronym type of person. If you’re a returning student you’ll often hear this referred to as the ever-redundant W.O.W. Week. You’ll know if I’m in the crowd because you’ll hear me yelling down the people who call it that.

But who am I to tell students in a higher education atmosphere the correct way to use acronyms in a sentence? So I’ll digress.

Instead I’d like to focus on what is sure to be the busiest week in terms of on-campus extra-curricular activities. Some are traditional and some are brand new. Some sound like a lot of fun, and others seem like they might just work for one year only.

Let’s run through the list of activities, and I’ll give them each a rating depending on my own experiences and whether or not the activity seems like it would be worth my time and therefore worth your time.

Monday’s W.O.W. Carnival

It’s no secret that I’ve never been a fan of carnival type atmospheres. I especially never liked carnivals on a college campus. It always seemed like such an elementary school way to try and get college students to have fun. Why not just throw a kegger? I’ll digress again.

I feel like I’m not alone in the assumption that carnivals and bouncy castles aren’t really a grown-up way of having fun, but when it comes to the carnival turnout it looks as though I’m alone. Every year the carnival gets a pretty good turnout, and from what I’ve heard the students have a genuinely good time.

Where else can you get your hamburgers and chips and slide down a huge inflatable slide in one sitting?

I’ll give the WOW Carnival two and a half out of five bouncy castles and a promise that I just might show up to it this year (as long as nothing more important comes along in the meantime).

Tuesday’s Q & A with Wayne Newton

I so wish this was a traditional Dixie State College Week of Welcome activity. But as far as I know, this will be the first time Mr. Las Vegas has graced the stage at DSC for questions and answers with our student body.

Do college students appreciate a man like Newton? I certainly think they should. After all, he sings the song that is constantly stuck in my brain: “Danke Schoen.”

I hope every student who wants to gets a chance to go to this event. I’m giving our student government nine out of 10 Las Vegas dancers (gender of choice, of course) for their success in bringing Newton to campus. I hope the actual event goes as well as I hope it will.

Wednesday’s and Thursday’s Club Rush

You can’t avoid Club Rush. If you have any classes between the institute building and the Browning Library, then chances are you’ll be strutting your stuff down “the diagonal.” Every semester the clubs and organizations on campus gather on this sidewalk that cuts across the northern encampment mall, and offer students a chance to find out more about clubs and hopefully sign up for them.

While the socially anxious person may find Club Rush a bit daunting, it’s still a good idea to brave the diagonal at least once. You never know what club might be perfect just for you.

Club Rush gets five out of five bowls of candy (something you’ll see a lot) for giving students the opportunity to better themselves through campus activity. But those who actually have to stand outside in the 110-degree weather will tell you it’s no picnic.

Well, maybe a picnic in the desert, I guess. But those students who laugh in the face of sunburns get an additional bowl of candy for their efforts.

Wednesday’s Minute to Win It

The Minute to Win It is new as far as I know. I’ll admit I haven’t been that active in years past when it comes to the Week of Welcome. So I’m not always the first in line to these events. The Minute to Win It sounds like it could be fun, but only if it’s executed correctly.

As long as enough students are involved, then maybe this attempt at bringing a game show to life on campus might be successful.

I’ll give the thought of this activity two out of three Wayne Newtons. Sorry, I keep thinking about him and I just get off track. I meant to say two out of three Fig Newtons. Have I digressed lately?

Thursday’s Campus Service Project.

Please remember this is a Skewed Review, and therefore it’s an opinion piece. That being said, I have to give the Campus Service Project a glare and a slap for sounding angelic, but in fact being a bit deceptive.

If it were up to me I’d call it the “Campus Free Labor Project” instead. Historically the Campus Service Projects have all been enlistments of students to work on campus beautification.

There’s nothing wrong with that of course, but to say “service” makes it sound like students are feeding the poor some soup, or helping the homeless with job applications, or aiding old folks who are crossing the streets.

But instead we’re put to work building gazebos and what-not. Who knows? I may be wrong. When we get to the Pearly Gates we might just be asked, “What did you do for your college?”

In that case I’d have to suit up for an eternity of what I can only assume is St. George Club Rush weather.

Friday’s First Chance Dance

The name says it all. This will be the first chance for you to dance. The past couple of years have featured a foam dance at the North Instructional Building. This is the perfect place to get your groove on, especially if you’re out of soap.

This is also my favorite place to play shark. Nothing’s more fun than going under the suds and grabbing unsuspecting victims. I’m not sure if that’s the plan this year, but I’m giving the First Chance Dance two out of three hours of my time. It’s a great place to meet new friends, and it’s a good excuse to show others how wacky you really are.

That way there’ll be no expectations in the year to come.

Saturday’s President’s 5K Run

Do you know what sounds really fun? Running a 5K in Club Rush weather!

I’m sorry, but you won’t see me at the race. I’ve never attended this event, and I don’t think I ever will. Don’t get me wrong, it sounds like a good, sweaty time, but my Saturdays are already booked for the next four semesters.

Those of you who attend the run get my respect.

Now that’s a rating that’s few and far between.

Let us know what you thought of the Week of Welcome, and if any of my reviews were on the nose or completely off the rails. Follow The Skewed Review on Twitter @SkewedReview and “like” it on Facebook at Facebook.com/theskewedreview to get in on the conversation.

A little Skewed Review On A Chick Named Catwoman

It's no secret I'm a comic book geek. In fact, I dedicated an entire Skewed Review on the attributes of Catwoman. I highly suggest you read it if you haven't already. 

Well, I'm dedicating another to her today. But  This one isn't focused on her as a character, but rather her incarnations. This will be just a quick run-down of my favorite feline throughout the years and a few subsequent reviews on each. 

Here we see the classic '60s "Batman" version of Catwoman. This campy little minx was the reason I started loving comic books in the first place. I recall watching reruns of the show when I was about six years old. My favorite episodes were always the ones that featured Julie Newmar or Eartha Kitt as Catwoman. I later discovered the '60s movie with Lee Meriwether as Catwoman and I loved her, too. Swingin' '60s Catwoman gets 9 out of ten cat suits and a shout-out Adam West style, "This is Cat-astrophic!"



This was the comic book costume version of Catwoman that was a staple for many years. Most of my "Catwoman" issues featured this costume. Who could say "no" to those black boots and purple cowl? It was about this time when Catwoman stopped being more of a villain and started transitioning into hero mode. She had an on-and-off again relationship with Batman, and seemed to share many of his traits: She was wealthy, had a butler, and would don a sexy outfit and go out crime fighting at night. Imagine what the bad guys were thinking when they got the handle end of the bull whip to the face by a woman wearing this gravity-defying costume! I give this costume five out of five purple spray tans (since that's basically what it is) and one large Gucci tote to carry all the things she can't fit in her non-existent pockets.


This beauty is the creme de la creme of Catwoman design. Tim Burton's re-imagining of my favorite comic book character has been my favorite incarnation to date. Not only is the outfit absolutely genius, but Michelle Pfeiffer also pulled off the role gloriously. I was obsessed with this movie for Catwoman alone. Who can deny that this version of Catwoman is the absolute model in which all other Catwomen are compared? I give this this Catwoman 10 out of 10 butchered vinyl jackets and 100 spools of thick white thread to patch together the sexiest outfit ever. Mee-ouch!

Ugh. Then came this atrocity. For some reason, some executive somewhere decided it would be a good idea to reboot the Catwoman character in her own movie. OK, I'm all for that idea. But when you take the character and basically rape it, then I immediately change my opinion on the subject. Since the character in this film wasn't even named Selena Kyle, I'm standing by my guns when I say Halle Berry wasn't even a real Catwoman. This costume looks like something you'd buy at Wal-Mart. The story was absolutely awful, and Berry was even worse. I rate this Catwoman with zero out of five sexual Batman encounters, and one week straight of getting whipped by a better sexy black Catwoman: Eartha Kitt.




The comic books evolved, of course. Catwoman lost her oh-so-sexy painted-on suit and donned a more sensible outfit. But I'm not knocking it. I think it's still purr-fect for Catwoman. Her latest get-up features a cleavage-bearing suit with night-vision goggles and actual storage space on various parts of her outfit. The new Catwoman comes in many forms. In some of the comics she goes out in only the cat suit. In others, she's full on suited up with goggles and a leather jacket. In any event, today's Catwoman is more like Batman than ever. She's fully-quipped with all sorts of gadgets--only she doesn't limit her storage space to just a little utility belt. She has a variety of backpacks, belts, straps and various other such nonsense to keep weapons and stow her spoils of burglary. I rate this Catwoman with 10 out of 10 days in the jungle--which she would totally survive of course, because her latest outfit is equipped to do so.



And here's what we're going to be stuck with now. Christopher Nolan is bringing Selena Kyle back to the big screen in "The Dark Knight Rises." Look, we all know that he reinvented the series with less camp. His "Batman Begins" was the least-grossing of the Batman franchise. I believe it's because people want Batman villains to be over-the-top! That's why "The Dark Knight" is still the best-grossing of the "Batman" series: Because Heath Ledger's Joker was a face-painted villain who wore purple and laughed at everything! Now Nolan cast Anne Hathaway of all people to play Catwoman, and he's going to dress her like her character in "Get Smart." This costume is bad-ass, but it's definitely no Catwoman. But I guess I can't really give this a review until I see the movie. But right now she looks like something out of Tron. Stay tuned for my Skewed Review on Hathaway's version of the best female comic book character out there. In the meantime, follow The Skewed Review on Twitter @SkewedReview and like it on Facebook: facebook.com/theskewedreview.

All photos courtesy of various people. No seriously, these were all found on Google. I'm not making any money off this website, and each photo was released as a promotion by its respective production company. I have no monetary gain from using these pictures and am only recycling them. If you honestly have a problem with me using any of these images, let me know and I'll replace it with a different one. 

We did this! Go Equality Utah!

Linda Stay explains to press and onlookers about the I-15 Billboard and the efforts
it took to get it there. Equality Utah is now a presence in the St. George area, and this 
will be the first of many endeavors focused on equal rights in southern Utah.

It’s interesting what a little visual stimulation will do when you feel like you can’t get things done.


I was tapped for my journalistic abilities back in March to write and distribute press releases for a group called Equality Utah. The group itself is constantly aiding Utah residents in their quest for equal rights. It just so happens the major focus of their endeavors are on gay Utahns and their families.


The success of Equality Utah has been astounding. They (along with support from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) have already helped pass anti-discrimination laws in multiple northern Utah cities, and now they are focusing on St. George and the surrounding areas.


Luckily there was a married couple with gusto to not only start an Equality Utah presence in southern Utah, but start it with style, determination, and--get this--rookies.


Yes, when activist Linda Stay called me and asked if I would be willing to contribute to putting this whole gala fund-raising organization together, the first thing I thought was, “Why me?”


But that was the goal of Stay and her husband Steve the entire time: recruit new blood that hasn’t been jaded by experience.


For that truly gutsy move, I need to give this loving couple nine out of 10 stars that will shine in the eyes of people who will know they have job and home security in St. George one day because of the Stay’s efforts.


But “jaded by experience” is most definitely not a phrase that accurately describes me. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. Not only had I never been on a committee to raise money, but I was also still in college learning my trade. This was all brand new to me. I literally had no idea where to start.


Since my life is journalism, I offered my services to write press releases. In fact, this had been the first time in my life I had ever written a press release outside of college. It was also my duty to contact media outlets not only across Utah, but also across the nation.


We wanted the country to know that Utah was not a discriminating state. I believe, as did every person on the committee for that first gala, that the majority of Utahns are raised with good values and believe no one should lose his or her job or house based on sexual orientation, gender identity, religion, or color.


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Utah’s motto really is, “Love one another.”


Since it was my first attempt at a full-scale media junket, there were a few hiccups. I learned very quickly who was willing to cover issues that dealt with the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community, and those who would rather keep it out of their particular media outlets completely.


Luckily, the Dixie Sun (whom I am a proud editor of) was a big media presence at that first gala called “Building Bridges in Southern Utah.” Our reporter Taylor Grin covered the event wonderfully, and Bryan Uhri took some beautiful photos as well. Their story and photos can be found here.


I myself did no reporting whatsoever because we have a strict conflict of interest code at the Dixie Sun.


But not many other media representatives responded to my press release. So needless to say, I still had some learning to do.


I just need to throw in a little review about The Spectrum. Please note I have another (and better) review later, so keep that in mind. The woman I spoke to over the phone at The Spectrum sounded genuinely interested in this huge fundraising event at Kayenta. Interested that is, until I told her it was for equal rights for gay people and their families.


You’d better believe I was shot down quicker than Bin Laden.


That particular person who shan’t be named gets one out of one snorkel. The purpose is so she can breathe while she has her head so far up her--well, you get the point.


Despite the lack of media attention, the event itself was wonderful. We honored two local people who have done nothing but help locally in the struggle for equal rights. St. George residents Claudia Bradshaw and Chris McArdle both received recognition for their efforts.


But most importantly we raised money that will go directly toward the southern Utah chapter of Equality Utah. The fruition of our labors was officially unveiled yesterday, and it almost made me cry.


Anyone coming into St. George on northbound on I-15 will see a beautiful billboard that states: “LGBT. Let’s talk equality. EqualityUtah.org/South.”


I reluctantly sent another press release to The Spectrum, and I expected no response. But to my surprise a reporter contacted me the day of the event. He was professional and seemed genuinely interested in the story.


For that I think The Spectrum deserves a 75 percent increase in its online subscriptions, and a big aquarium for that other woman to swim around in. We’ve got to put that snorkel to good use, you know!


It was humbling to see something tangible happening from my efforts. But my efforts were little to nothing compared to the efforts of the Stays and countless other local volunteers who have worked tirelessly to bring equal rights to everyone in southern Utah. My biggest contribution were a few press releases, many phone calls, and a couple of appearances.


Compared to everyone else who made this possible, I am just that lazy guy who sits on his computer pretending to do work while everyone busts their butts in order to get the job done.


Congratulations, southern Utah. Equality Utah is now an official presence here, and I got to help in a very, very small way. I see nothing but good things because of it.


Find out more about the entire project at EqualityUtah.org/south.
Matty Jacobson (yours truly) gets interviews for Southern Utah Now News. He
was responsible for press releases and media contacts but did the least
amount of work for the whole campaign. The real credit goes to Linda and Steve
Stay and the rest of the original committee for their tireless efforts.