I took a small excerpt from a recent Skewed Review that ran in the final semester issue of the Dixie Sun, and mailed it via letter-to-the-editor to The Spectrum of St. George, UT; the Deseret News of Salt Lake City; The Salt Lake [City] Tribune and USA Today.
Of those four, the powers-that-be at The Spectrum and the Deseret News decided to run the letter. If the other two ran it, I haven't been made aware.
The letter read as follows:
"Why has it become so passe to admit a tie of Christianity to the season of Christmas? Today it seems the act of actually celebrating the birth of a significant baby warrants more legal action than it does cheer.
No matter where you turn, the societal standard seems to be to erase Christmas from the equation of this time of year. "Merry Christmas" was once unashamedly on the lips of everyone I met, but now I hear mostly "happy holidays" or "seasons greetings" in the attempt not to offend the people who, in my humble opinion, are just looking for attention.
I guess despite the truckloads of offending remarks we are constantly dumping on each other every other day of the year, it's the general consensus that December is the month when we're not allowed to offend anyone.
I say Merry Christmas, and bah-humbug to those who don't!"
The entire article can be read at www.dixiesunlink.com, search keyword "Matt Jacobson."
Now, you would think, or at least I did, that a person standing up for the season of Christmas would bring fellow Christians out of the woodwork to join in and praise Jesus. Not the case here. Both letters were published on the Internet on each newspaper's respective website (the Deseret News version has been edited).
There were numerous replies on each website which I perused the day they were published. I could hardly believe the amount of negative comments that were elicited because of my pride in Christmas.
No offense to anyone, but without Christmas, there wouldn't even be a holiday season. Yes, there would still be Hanukkah and Ramadan, but neither would hold the importance that they do today for the mere fact that they aren't trying to be a part of the crowd, so to speak.
And don't get me started on Kwanzaa. That holiday was made up simply because there had to be some sort of black holiday to rival Christmas.
Towns wouldn't decorate with menorahs or African flags during this time of the year. There would be no uprising of atheists who demand a separation of Church and State. (Those atheists, might I add, need to read the Constitution and see the definition of that amendment, but I digress because that's a whole other topic.)
You can't tell me that the pagan rituals of old would carry on today without Christmas. Consider the summer Solstice. In the days before Christ, this season was a time not unlike the winter Solstice. There would be dancing and rituals and the pagans would worship a God and Goddess and who knows what else.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see a shred of those rituals going on in July. I highly doubt that modern man would still take the winter Solstice so seriously. Can you just picture a business man, his wife, three kids, one dog and a gerbil, dressing in robes and lighting a fire outside, dancing around it and chanting on the shortest day of the year? Seems highly unlikely to me.
Yes, it's all about Christmas, hence it's all about Christ. I don't accept "happy holidays" just because, according to one person who commented on The Spectrum website, it's "inclusive of others." It's not inclusive. There's no need to be inclusive. You're either celebrating Christmas, or your just trying to puff up some other minuscule holiday simply to rival that of Jesus' birthday.
I think I can safely say this would never be allowed to run in the Dixie Sun.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
TROUBLE! Arrrrg
Alrighty, so this website is no longer letting me copy and paste my Skewed Reviews and the other articles I'm writing for the Dixie Sun. I have about four articles I need to post here, but I'm not all for typing them all over again. I will continue to try, and I so appreciate all of you who take the time to read my work!
I also love the feedback! If anyone feels gutsy enough to offer me some criticism on the articles I post, that would be GREATLY APPRECIATED! I am constantly trying to better my work, and I want to offer a column that people look forward to that has minimal mistakes and enough controversy to keep people coming back!
Please check out my articles and my weekly column on the Dixie Sun website.
Thanks again!
-Matty Poo
I also love the feedback! If anyone feels gutsy enough to offer me some criticism on the articles I post, that would be GREATLY APPRECIATED! I am constantly trying to better my work, and I want to offer a column that people look forward to that has minimal mistakes and enough controversy to keep people coming back!
Please check out my articles and my weekly column on the Dixie Sun website.
Thanks again!
-Matty Poo
Monday, October 26, 2009
Winter Grooming Habits
Here's another uninspired and bland article that I tried to make interesting for the Dixie Sun.
The birds fly south, the Superbowl draws nearer, the weather changes, and so do the grooming habits of some, if not all, students.
While grooming can have many definitions varying from makeup to hairstyles, the one definition that seems to repeat itself is shaving.
“I totally stop shaving [in the winter],” said Jalee Scott, a junior integrated studies major from St. George. “I need the insulation.”
While sub-zero temperatures aren’t always a major concern here in southern Utah, apparel can be. Senior dental hygiene major Nicole Strawn from Logan said she shaves less because of her attire. She said every other day is the day for shaving in the summer, but limits shaving to Fridays and Sundays in the winter time.
Whether it’s legs or faces, having more hair seems to be the trend in the colder months. Conner Sowles, a freshman business major from Spokane, Wash., said he shaves more in the summer.
Sometimes, it’s just the thought of shaving that changes in the winter. Marcus Stucki, a junior biology major from St. George said when winter comes around he wouldn’t shave because it would probably keep his face warmer. Stucki works as an ice cream taster at the Blue Bunny factory, so he is required to stay clean shaven year round.
Although a majority of students tend to focus less on the hair they are growing, there is still a small percentile that consider it to be important.
“If I don’t [shave], I just feel gross,” said Jessica Smith, a senior dental hygiene major from Beaver.
Strawn, who dyes her hair, said winter is the time to go darker and shorter. Sometimes she likes to wear a beanie when it’s cold, and shorter hair is easier to style after removing a beanie. She cuts her hair every fall for this purpose.
Sowles does the opposite. He lets his hair grow during the colder months and keeps it shorter during the summer.
Smith, who is also a hairdresser, notices that people often grow their hair out after fall.
The female students both agreed that when it comes to makeup, the shades usually go darker and the applications a little thicker.
“[Putting on makeup] depends on how tired I am in the morning,” Strawn said, "And if my face is breaking out."
Clothes, like makeup, tend to go darker as well. All four students agreed that the clothes they wear go darker in shade than in the summer months.
“It depends on how I feel that day,” said Stucki. “Bright colors are always fun, but dark colors win out because that’s the fashion.”
Sometimes, it’s just about that certain accessory that can’t be worn when it’s hot.
“I have a pea coat I just love to wear because it’s awesome and warm,” said Stucki.
For the DSC guys, there are numerous internet sites dedicated to the male grooming habits.
Hair inspired by the TV drama "Mad Men" is growing in popularity, according to www.askmen.com. This look is achieved by rubbing pomade between your hands and then through your hair. Finish by parting your hair on either side, or comb it straight back.
A change of scent is very appropriate according to askmen.com.
“…Think about shifting your fragrance from light, citrus scents to deeper, woodsier notes,” said Diana Schmidtke of askmen.com. She also suggests that men keep the fragrance to a minimum.
“A little goes a long way in terms of scent. You want girls to get in close to smell you, not be hit with your fragrance from across town.”
These and many other in-depth ideas about winter grooming for men can be found at http://www.askmen.com/scent/scent_300/331_grooming-trends-for-fall-winter.html.
Gals might want to check out www.elle.com for ideas on grooming and fashion for the fall and winter. According to http://www.elle.com/Fashion/Style-Tips, an “androgynous” style is in for winter.
An article at http://www.beautyden.com suggests purchasing a leave-in conditioner to battle cold weather hair problems.
And if a girl needs advice on how to change up her winter scent, she should check out http://girliegossip.com. The latest fragrances by Victoria Beckham, Gucci and Prada are some of the suggested scents according to http://girliegossip.com/our-top-5-winter-perfumes-for-women.
The birds fly south, the Superbowl draws nearer, the weather changes, and so do the grooming habits of some, if not all, students.
While grooming can have many definitions varying from makeup to hairstyles, the one definition that seems to repeat itself is shaving.
“I totally stop shaving [in the winter],” said Jalee Scott, a junior integrated studies major from St. George. “I need the insulation.”
While sub-zero temperatures aren’t always a major concern here in southern Utah, apparel can be. Senior dental hygiene major Nicole Strawn from Logan said she shaves less because of her attire. She said every other day is the day for shaving in the summer, but limits shaving to Fridays and Sundays in the winter time.
Whether it’s legs or faces, having more hair seems to be the trend in the colder months. Conner Sowles, a freshman business major from Spokane, Wash., said he shaves more in the summer.
Sometimes, it’s just the thought of shaving that changes in the winter. Marcus Stucki, a junior biology major from St. George said when winter comes around he wouldn’t shave because it would probably keep his face warmer. Stucki works as an ice cream taster at the Blue Bunny factory, so he is required to stay clean shaven year round.
Although a majority of students tend to focus less on the hair they are growing, there is still a small percentile that consider it to be important.
“If I don’t [shave], I just feel gross,” said Jessica Smith, a senior dental hygiene major from Beaver.
Strawn, who dyes her hair, said winter is the time to go darker and shorter. Sometimes she likes to wear a beanie when it’s cold, and shorter hair is easier to style after removing a beanie. She cuts her hair every fall for this purpose.
Sowles does the opposite. He lets his hair grow during the colder months and keeps it shorter during the summer.
Smith, who is also a hairdresser, notices that people often grow their hair out after fall.
The female students both agreed that when it comes to makeup, the shades usually go darker and the applications a little thicker.
“[Putting on makeup] depends on how tired I am in the morning,” Strawn said, "And if my face is breaking out."
Clothes, like makeup, tend to go darker as well. All four students agreed that the clothes they wear go darker in shade than in the summer months.
“It depends on how I feel that day,” said Stucki. “Bright colors are always fun, but dark colors win out because that’s the fashion.”
Sometimes, it’s just about that certain accessory that can’t be worn when it’s hot.
“I have a pea coat I just love to wear because it’s awesome and warm,” said Stucki.
For the DSC guys, there are numerous internet sites dedicated to the male grooming habits.
Hair inspired by the TV drama "Mad Men" is growing in popularity, according to www.askmen.com. This look is achieved by rubbing pomade between your hands and then through your hair. Finish by parting your hair on either side, or comb it straight back.
A change of scent is very appropriate according to askmen.com.
“…Think about shifting your fragrance from light, citrus scents to deeper, woodsier notes,” said Diana Schmidtke of askmen.com. She also suggests that men keep the fragrance to a minimum.
“A little goes a long way in terms of scent. You want girls to get in close to smell you, not be hit with your fragrance from across town.”
These and many other in-depth ideas about winter grooming for men can be found at http://www.askmen.com/scent/scent_300/331_grooming-trends-for-fall-winter.html.
Gals might want to check out www.elle.com for ideas on grooming and fashion for the fall and winter. According to http://www.elle.com/Fashion/Style-Tips, an “androgynous” style is in for winter.
An article at http://www.beautyden.com suggests purchasing a leave-in conditioner to battle cold weather hair problems.
And if a girl needs advice on how to change up her winter scent, she should check out http://girliegossip.com. The latest fragrances by Victoria Beckham, Gucci and Prada are some of the suggested scents according to http://girliegossip.com/our-top-5-winter-perfumes-for-women.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Disruptive Students are Pooie
College: The only place where people spend thousands of dollars to get an education, and then spend their time trying to weasel out of it.
I can’t say I’m entirely innocent when it comes to dodging certain assignments I don’t particularly like, but there comes a point when students go a bit too far.
The annoyance is overwhelming! I have a class that meets only once a week, so our class time is very precious. We are a class of lively debaters, and our professor encourages us to do so. Last week, however, the “debate” got a little off-topic and out of control.
The image that is constantly popping up in my mind is that of Dorothy surrounded by bubbling, chattering munchkins in the Wizard of Oz. Our class was so close to that it wasn’t even remotely funny. I was just waiting for our professor to disappear in a frustrated pillar of black smoke. The class would not shut up.
I think the part that is bothering me the most, is that I felt as if I was one of the few who was paying attention. I was listening and trying to get the gist of everything we were talking about. There was a specific group that continued to shout down the students who were called upon to speak.
The fact that my professor may think I was a part of that group is sickening to me. I had to suppress some serious urges to jump up and yell, “Teacher! Teacher! It wasn’t me! I‘m a good student!”
The truly sad part is the majority of the class probably felt the same way I did. When our professor cut the class short almost an hour early because of that one group of kids, I could almost read the thoughts of my fellow classmates: “Why are we being punished for those (expletive) jerks?”
To those of you who are really responsible for interrupting classes, especially mine, you are hereby awarded 5 out of 10 hours in class sitting next to someone who has serious body odor problems, a bad case of diarrhea, and absolutely no body control. You also get the other 5 out of 10 hours being the person with the B.O., the squirts, and the dirty pants.
I apologize for being so graphic, but maybe that will get the point across.
Are these people paying for their own educations? I think I need to start taking names because my guess is either they’re learning is funded by the government, or their parents. In either case, someone needs to be notified.
Seriously, grade school was fun and all, but I think we can all agree that we’re beyond all that. Don’t get me wrong, I really miss the finger-painting and playing tag, but if that’s something you really need to get out of your system, maybe you should do it outside of the college classroom.
Students, start thinking about the crucial information you might be missing because you‘re paying attention to things like “Jack’s dorm totally smells like sardines,” or “I hope it’s not infectious.” Yeah, both topics are probably really important, but are they important enough to sacrifice your tuition on a bad grade? Especially since it’s too late to drop classes?
I wish I had the money to take every class on my schedule twice. First time around, I can just bull-poop around, chit chat about whats-her-name who wears the sluttiest clothes, come in late, leave early, ignore the content of the class, and just generally have a good time. I, however, have an obligation not only to myself, but to my investors.
I know it seems far fetched that there are those who would dump money into an opinionated polymath such as myself, but it’s true. I have received funds from the state, a loan from a private bank, and help along the way from none other than my family. If I don’t pull in sufficient grades, I can pretty much guarantee loss of funding from the state and my family. And as for my loan, it would be pretty tough to pay it off if I can’t get a degree because I don’t pay attention in class.
And if you still don’t care about your own education, please consider the education of those around you. I am still so ticked off almost a week later because a group of students cost me an hour of class time!
I’m madder than Al Gore standing outside a Hummer factory.
I’m madder than Barack Obama at Fox News.
I’m madder than a True Rebel looking at a Red Storm mascot!
I can’t say I’m entirely innocent when it comes to dodging certain assignments I don’t particularly like, but there comes a point when students go a bit too far.
The annoyance is overwhelming! I have a class that meets only once a week, so our class time is very precious. We are a class of lively debaters, and our professor encourages us to do so. Last week, however, the “debate” got a little off-topic and out of control.
The image that is constantly popping up in my mind is that of Dorothy surrounded by bubbling, chattering munchkins in the Wizard of Oz. Our class was so close to that it wasn’t even remotely funny. I was just waiting for our professor to disappear in a frustrated pillar of black smoke. The class would not shut up.
I think the part that is bothering me the most, is that I felt as if I was one of the few who was paying attention. I was listening and trying to get the gist of everything we were talking about. There was a specific group that continued to shout down the students who were called upon to speak.
The fact that my professor may think I was a part of that group is sickening to me. I had to suppress some serious urges to jump up and yell, “Teacher! Teacher! It wasn’t me! I‘m a good student!”
The truly sad part is the majority of the class probably felt the same way I did. When our professor cut the class short almost an hour early because of that one group of kids, I could almost read the thoughts of my fellow classmates: “Why are we being punished for those (expletive) jerks?”
To those of you who are really responsible for interrupting classes, especially mine, you are hereby awarded 5 out of 10 hours in class sitting next to someone who has serious body odor problems, a bad case of diarrhea, and absolutely no body control. You also get the other 5 out of 10 hours being the person with the B.O., the squirts, and the dirty pants.
I apologize for being so graphic, but maybe that will get the point across.
Are these people paying for their own educations? I think I need to start taking names because my guess is either they’re learning is funded by the government, or their parents. In either case, someone needs to be notified.
Seriously, grade school was fun and all, but I think we can all agree that we’re beyond all that. Don’t get me wrong, I really miss the finger-painting and playing tag, but if that’s something you really need to get out of your system, maybe you should do it outside of the college classroom.
Students, start thinking about the crucial information you might be missing because you‘re paying attention to things like “Jack’s dorm totally smells like sardines,” or “I hope it’s not infectious.” Yeah, both topics are probably really important, but are they important enough to sacrifice your tuition on a bad grade? Especially since it’s too late to drop classes?
I wish I had the money to take every class on my schedule twice. First time around, I can just bull-poop around, chit chat about whats-her-name who wears the sluttiest clothes, come in late, leave early, ignore the content of the class, and just generally have a good time. I, however, have an obligation not only to myself, but to my investors.
I know it seems far fetched that there are those who would dump money into an opinionated polymath such as myself, but it’s true. I have received funds from the state, a loan from a private bank, and help along the way from none other than my family. If I don’t pull in sufficient grades, I can pretty much guarantee loss of funding from the state and my family. And as for my loan, it would be pretty tough to pay it off if I can’t get a degree because I don’t pay attention in class.
And if you still don’t care about your own education, please consider the education of those around you. I am still so ticked off almost a week later because a group of students cost me an hour of class time!
I’m madder than Al Gore standing outside a Hummer factory.
I’m madder than Barack Obama at Fox News.
I’m madder than a True Rebel looking at a Red Storm mascot!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
HE WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE???
I couldn't ignore B-rock's new prize... I had to write about it in the Sun!
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Could life get any better for me? Just when I think our prezzy-dent might stop dishing out the good material, the folks in Norway decide to give little old me something fantastic to write about.
As I’m sure you all know, Barack Hussein is the third sitting president of the United States of Denial to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. If you weren’t aware of this fact, let me get you up to speed. Woodrow Wilson who founded the “League of Nations,” and Theodore Roosevelt who drew up a peace treaty between Russia and Japan were both in office when the letter exclaiming “YOU ARE A WINNER” showed up in the White House mailbox. I’ll let you the reader do the research if you want to know more about these two and their prizes. I need to get back to my favorite subject: B.O.
Now I’m not saying that B-Rock isn’t worthy of this award, nor that he is incapable of doing what it takes to receive such an award. I guess I’m just asking the question, should the award be given for something a person has done, or something a person is planning to do?
Of course, this is all at the discretion of the folks who bestow this title upon people. But through the reasoning of the committee of five that decides who the winner is, I could say that I am seriously in the process of writing the best book in the HISTORY of literature, and therefore the Nobel Prize for Literature should go to me.
I think there might be a snowball effect after the Al Gore fest. Gory-boy got his award for his "efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change." (That is according to Nobelprize.org, the official website of said prize) In other words, Ally-G got a prize for pretty much telling us the world is getting warmer, but not for actually fixing that problem.
Alright, with those guidelines in place, I would like to nominate myself for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize, because I full-on plan to unite the Jewish and Muslim communities. Under my plan, these two groups of people will live in a world of rainbows and apple-dumplings, they’ll hold hands while they skip down the yellow brick road, and did I mention I’m going to re-pave all of Israel’s roads in yellow brick?
I will join the entire Middle-east together into one nation, and it shall be called Lollipopistan. Roadside bombs will no longer be weapons of fatal destruction, but will instead surprise passers-by with bursts of streamers and candy. Our brave fighting men and women will only have to fight for one thing: front row tickets to the best comedy duo-act the world has ever seen. Mr. Al “Kidda’” and miss “Tally Banter” will perform every night to sold-out audiences.
The worst thing that will ever happen in my middle-east will be the occasional Skewed Review about camel spit or perhaps some dry baklava.
But I would like to welcome everyone back to reality. Making goals and achieving goals are two completely separate things.
Yes, Barack Obama has goals that are bigger than Kanye West’s ego, but a goal really is nothing if not for its outcome. A wise man once said, “You can hope in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one fills up faster.”
I would like to award our administration with four out of five mini Nobel Prizes, or as I like to call them: Noblettes. I say that for every lofty goal announced by our grand leader another Noblette should be awarded. Once every goal is completed the Noblettes can be traded in for the actual thing.
The Nobel Peace Prize committee, by the way, gets one week of severe itching in places that aren’t socially acceptable to scratch in public. Their standards have been dropping since Albert got the nod.
On a more serious note, I would like to put out a formal call to every student who happens to read my extraordinarily wonderful weekly column. I know there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of you who are capable of winning the Peace Prize. Whatever you’re studying, whatever path you choose to take in life, make sure to not give just 110 percent. Give a percentage that’s unable to be measured. Give the Nobel Peace Prize committee some new and better options, or else we might see a future where Peace Prizes are awarded to those with super-rockstar status, and not for people who actually accomplish noteworthy humanitarian accomplishments. I often divvy out negative reviews, but someone on campus PLEASE show me something new, something intuitive, something deserving of the first and best Skewed Review to date: 10 out of 10 tests in the testing center that have only the questions you studied for, so you KNOW all the answers!
Alas... I think I am saddened by the future of everything.
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Could life get any better for me? Just when I think our prezzy-dent might stop dishing out the good material, the folks in Norway decide to give little old me something fantastic to write about.
As I’m sure you all know, Barack Hussein is the third sitting president of the United States of Denial to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. If you weren’t aware of this fact, let me get you up to speed. Woodrow Wilson who founded the “League of Nations,” and Theodore Roosevelt who drew up a peace treaty between Russia and Japan were both in office when the letter exclaiming “YOU ARE A WINNER” showed up in the White House mailbox. I’ll let you the reader do the research if you want to know more about these two and their prizes. I need to get back to my favorite subject: B.O.
Now I’m not saying that B-Rock isn’t worthy of this award, nor that he is incapable of doing what it takes to receive such an award. I guess I’m just asking the question, should the award be given for something a person has done, or something a person is planning to do?
Of course, this is all at the discretion of the folks who bestow this title upon people. But through the reasoning of the committee of five that decides who the winner is, I could say that I am seriously in the process of writing the best book in the HISTORY of literature, and therefore the Nobel Prize for Literature should go to me.
I think there might be a snowball effect after the Al Gore fest. Gory-boy got his award for his "efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change." (That is according to Nobelprize.org, the official website of said prize) In other words, Ally-G got a prize for pretty much telling us the world is getting warmer, but not for actually fixing that problem.
Alright, with those guidelines in place, I would like to nominate myself for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize, because I full-on plan to unite the Jewish and Muslim communities. Under my plan, these two groups of people will live in a world of rainbows and apple-dumplings, they’ll hold hands while they skip down the yellow brick road, and did I mention I’m going to re-pave all of Israel’s roads in yellow brick?
I will join the entire Middle-east together into one nation, and it shall be called Lollipopistan. Roadside bombs will no longer be weapons of fatal destruction, but will instead surprise passers-by with bursts of streamers and candy. Our brave fighting men and women will only have to fight for one thing: front row tickets to the best comedy duo-act the world has ever seen. Mr. Al “Kidda’” and miss “Tally Banter” will perform every night to sold-out audiences.
The worst thing that will ever happen in my middle-east will be the occasional Skewed Review about camel spit or perhaps some dry baklava.
But I would like to welcome everyone back to reality. Making goals and achieving goals are two completely separate things.
Yes, Barack Obama has goals that are bigger than Kanye West’s ego, but a goal really is nothing if not for its outcome. A wise man once said, “You can hope in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one fills up faster.”
I would like to award our administration with four out of five mini Nobel Prizes, or as I like to call them: Noblettes. I say that for every lofty goal announced by our grand leader another Noblette should be awarded. Once every goal is completed the Noblettes can be traded in for the actual thing.
The Nobel Peace Prize committee, by the way, gets one week of severe itching in places that aren’t socially acceptable to scratch in public. Their standards have been dropping since Albert got the nod.
On a more serious note, I would like to put out a formal call to every student who happens to read my extraordinarily wonderful weekly column. I know there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of you who are capable of winning the Peace Prize. Whatever you’re studying, whatever path you choose to take in life, make sure to not give just 110 percent. Give a percentage that’s unable to be measured. Give the Nobel Peace Prize committee some new and better options, or else we might see a future where Peace Prizes are awarded to those with super-rockstar status, and not for people who actually accomplish noteworthy humanitarian accomplishments. I often divvy out negative reviews, but someone on campus PLEASE show me something new, something intuitive, something deserving of the first and best Skewed Review to date: 10 out of 10 tests in the testing center that have only the questions you studied for, so you KNOW all the answers!
Alas... I think I am saddened by the future of everything.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Almost, Maine
This is a review I did for the Dixie State College Theater's production of Almost, Maine. This will run in the next issue of the DSC Sun.
Almost, Maine gives a different spin on phrases like “I fell for you,” “the other shoe dropped,” and “I lost a lot of hope.”
These are just a few examples of from John Cariani’s Almost, Maine, which premiered on the black box stage in the Eccles Fine Arts building on October 1st.
Whatever it was I was expecting wasn’t what I got. The show is mostly a comedy, but it’s also a drama as well as a love story. In fact, it’s nine stories that take place at the exact same time in a little place in Maine that was “almost” a town. Like the town, the realism of the events that happen there is “almost.” The show is just outside the realm of believability.
This vision was realized and executed by Varlo Davenport, director, and an all-student production team.
Davenport said, “This was an opportunity for acting students to get a lot of varied experience.” He said that everything was student designed, from the scenery to the costumes. The musical interludes were composed by the head of the costume shop, Andrea Davenport.
The cast had an obviously grand time putting this show together. I dropped by the make-up room backstage at the Eccles to try and pry a few quotes from the cast members. While I’m sure they took the show seriously, I don’t think they took my questions seriously.
“Doing this show was like sniffing crushed-up candy hearts,” Hannah Davenport said.
I can only assume she meant the entire experience was like an intense sugar rush.
Crystal Bates said, “I’ve learned many a ninja move.”
These are just a couple examples of the atmosphere in the dressing room.
Curtain time was coming, so I took my seat. The Black Box theater was decked out to be a winter woodland scene. I was impressed with the backdrop that surrounded the audience. It made me feel as if I was in a twilit wood in the middle of December. The temperature in the theater was sub-zero, and added to the effect.
I found out later the reason for the blasting AC was because the actors are always dressed in full-winter attire, and Davenport said that it’s going to be a matter of finding the perfect setting where the audience and the cast are both comfortable.
It took me the entire show to get the very first scene. Let me help out those of you who go to see the show. Sitting next to someone is the furthest away from them you can possibly be, IF you are measuring the distance around the world to each other.
The show was entertaining, but to me it felt as if the writer threw together nine short scenes and called it a play. When I see I play I often try to identify with a character and end up rooting for them throughout the story. In these nine short scenes, by the time I found the character I wanted to identify with, the scene was over.
I must commend the performances of Kristina Kessler, sophomore theater arts major from St. George, as Glory, Joel Thomas, senior theater arts major from Washington, as Chad, Hannah Davenport, integrated studies major from St. George as both Marvalyn and Rhonda, Crystal Bates, junior theater arts major from St. George as Gayle and Guy Smith, sophomore theater arts major, as Dave. All of these performances made me laugh out loud, and I was very sad when their characters were gone. These are the type of actors that make a theater department great. Keep up the good work guys!
One actor that was missing from the cast was Scott Pederson, who was a part of the show but lost his life while saving his two sons from drowning this summer.
“The neatest thing is the connection we all had to Scott,” Joel Thomas said. “He was cast in the show before the tragic accident. It’s like we’re all doing the show to make Scott laugh.”
The show runs through October 10th, and tickets are only $1 with your student ID card.
Almost, Maine gives a different spin on phrases like “I fell for you,” “the other shoe dropped,” and “I lost a lot of hope.”
These are just a few examples of from John Cariani’s Almost, Maine, which premiered on the black box stage in the Eccles Fine Arts building on October 1st.
Whatever it was I was expecting wasn’t what I got. The show is mostly a comedy, but it’s also a drama as well as a love story. In fact, it’s nine stories that take place at the exact same time in a little place in Maine that was “almost” a town. Like the town, the realism of the events that happen there is “almost.” The show is just outside the realm of believability.
This vision was realized and executed by Varlo Davenport, director, and an all-student production team.
Davenport said, “This was an opportunity for acting students to get a lot of varied experience.” He said that everything was student designed, from the scenery to the costumes. The musical interludes were composed by the head of the costume shop, Andrea Davenport.
The cast had an obviously grand time putting this show together. I dropped by the make-up room backstage at the Eccles to try and pry a few quotes from the cast members. While I’m sure they took the show seriously, I don’t think they took my questions seriously.
“Doing this show was like sniffing crushed-up candy hearts,” Hannah Davenport said.
I can only assume she meant the entire experience was like an intense sugar rush.
Crystal Bates said, “I’ve learned many a ninja move.”
These are just a couple examples of the atmosphere in the dressing room.
Curtain time was coming, so I took my seat. The Black Box theater was decked out to be a winter woodland scene. I was impressed with the backdrop that surrounded the audience. It made me feel as if I was in a twilit wood in the middle of December. The temperature in the theater was sub-zero, and added to the effect.
I found out later the reason for the blasting AC was because the actors are always dressed in full-winter attire, and Davenport said that it’s going to be a matter of finding the perfect setting where the audience and the cast are both comfortable.
It took me the entire show to get the very first scene. Let me help out those of you who go to see the show. Sitting next to someone is the furthest away from them you can possibly be, IF you are measuring the distance around the world to each other.
The show was entertaining, but to me it felt as if the writer threw together nine short scenes and called it a play. When I see I play I often try to identify with a character and end up rooting for them throughout the story. In these nine short scenes, by the time I found the character I wanted to identify with, the scene was over.
I must commend the performances of Kristina Kessler, sophomore theater arts major from St. George, as Glory, Joel Thomas, senior theater arts major from Washington, as Chad, Hannah Davenport, integrated studies major from St. George as both Marvalyn and Rhonda, Crystal Bates, junior theater arts major from St. George as Gayle and Guy Smith, sophomore theater arts major, as Dave. All of these performances made me laugh out loud, and I was very sad when their characters were gone. These are the type of actors that make a theater department great. Keep up the good work guys!
One actor that was missing from the cast was Scott Pederson, who was a part of the show but lost his life while saving his two sons from drowning this summer.
“The neatest thing is the connection we all had to Scott,” Joel Thomas said. “He was cast in the show before the tragic accident. It’s like we’re all doing the show to make Scott laugh.”
The show runs through October 10th, and tickets are only $1 with your student ID card.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The Identities of ME
You can’t run away from your past, at least that’s what they tell me.
I was walking to a class the other day and walked by an old friend. He promptly called out, “Hey Jojo!” This recalled a lifetime of old identities and odd personalities I used to (and still do) take on. If you haven’t already figured it out, I once donned the nickname “Jojo.” I know, it’s pathetic.
I’m sometimes covetous of names that can have “cuter” versions. Robert can be Bobby, and Tim can be Timmy. As of now, I’ve settled with the fact that the cutest version of my name is Matty. Obviously I’d taken that desire to have a cute name a bit too far in the past. The nickname “Jojo” actually originated from the Beatles’ song “Get Back,” but in hindsight, I realize it sounded more like a blonde cheerleader than the “Man who thought he was an owner.”
Do I give a bad review to myself, or to the people who should have stopped me from making such a social blunder? Well, I suppose the review should be divided equally between the two of us. I think that deserves four out of five toenail clippings found in mine/their Blue Bunny ice cream.
Rewinding further on the VHS of my life, I’ve come to the realization that I am the Madonna of Utah. Not because I posed nude for some pictures in the 80’s (which technically is true considering the baby-in-the-bathtub photos that are in my family’s album), but because I’m constantly re-inventing myself. Or rather, changing names/clothes/hair color all the time.
Another quandary; do I review myself for not sticking to one identity, or do I review myself for comparing my life to Madonna’s? Either way, the review would have to be a week locked in a dark room with “Holiday” by Madonna playing non-stop. That would be worse than water-boarding.
At the end of the 90’s and the beginning of the new millennium, I went by the nickname “Butterscotch” and frequented dance clubs and raves. I won’t get into the specifics there, but when I think about the outfits I used to wear I can’t help but wonder: did I look like the love-child of Cyndi Lauper and LL Cool J? Why is it I only comprehend my ridiculousness years afterward? Another review for myself: for not taking a hard look in the mirror and saying, “do I really want to go out in public like this?” I think I get eight out of 10 kisses from someone who has a big cold-sore.
Around that same time I believe I lied about my name on a job application, and then later faked my own death rather than quit. I promise I’m not making this up. I hated my boss so much, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I wrote her a suicide note and never came back to work. Is it fitting that my first major in college was Theater Arts?
Once upon a time I dyed my hair black, donned vampire-esque clothing, and told new people I met that my name was “Drake.” At the time, I wasn’t entirely aware that a drake was a male duck. I think I was 16. I do believe that was the same year I pretended to be twins.
I wouldn’t classify myself as a “liar,” just someone who likes to spice things up when life gets a little too boring. However, these things usually come back to bite me in the ass, and for not thinking these little embellishments through, my self-review is to drink two out of five glasses of lemonade, which in reality is water from the toddler section at the city pool.
Here’s a little free advice to any person who happens to have the free time to read my humble column: take a brutally honest look at yourself. Ask yourself some questions. Are the pictures people might take of me be incriminating in the future? Will my children look at me someday and say “what were you thinking?” When I lie to get out of class/work/dates, will that lie come back to haunt me? Is my nickname really that awesome? Ponder these questions. May you avoid the same pitiful faux pas that I made in my past. And now my children, go take on the day.
I was walking to a class the other day and walked by an old friend. He promptly called out, “Hey Jojo!” This recalled a lifetime of old identities and odd personalities I used to (and still do) take on. If you haven’t already figured it out, I once donned the nickname “Jojo.” I know, it’s pathetic.
I’m sometimes covetous of names that can have “cuter” versions. Robert can be Bobby, and Tim can be Timmy. As of now, I’ve settled with the fact that the cutest version of my name is Matty. Obviously I’d taken that desire to have a cute name a bit too far in the past. The nickname “Jojo” actually originated from the Beatles’ song “Get Back,” but in hindsight, I realize it sounded more like a blonde cheerleader than the “Man who thought he was an owner.”
Do I give a bad review to myself, or to the people who should have stopped me from making such a social blunder? Well, I suppose the review should be divided equally between the two of us. I think that deserves four out of five toenail clippings found in mine/their Blue Bunny ice cream.
Rewinding further on the VHS of my life, I’ve come to the realization that I am the Madonna of Utah. Not because I posed nude for some pictures in the 80’s (which technically is true considering the baby-in-the-bathtub photos that are in my family’s album), but because I’m constantly re-inventing myself. Or rather, changing names/clothes/hair color all the time.
Another quandary; do I review myself for not sticking to one identity, or do I review myself for comparing my life to Madonna’s? Either way, the review would have to be a week locked in a dark room with “Holiday” by Madonna playing non-stop. That would be worse than water-boarding.
At the end of the 90’s and the beginning of the new millennium, I went by the nickname “Butterscotch” and frequented dance clubs and raves. I won’t get into the specifics there, but when I think about the outfits I used to wear I can’t help but wonder: did I look like the love-child of Cyndi Lauper and LL Cool J? Why is it I only comprehend my ridiculousness years afterward? Another review for myself: for not taking a hard look in the mirror and saying, “do I really want to go out in public like this?” I think I get eight out of 10 kisses from someone who has a big cold-sore.
Around that same time I believe I lied about my name on a job application, and then later faked my own death rather than quit. I promise I’m not making this up. I hated my boss so much, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I wrote her a suicide note and never came back to work. Is it fitting that my first major in college was Theater Arts?
Once upon a time I dyed my hair black, donned vampire-esque clothing, and told new people I met that my name was “Drake.” At the time, I wasn’t entirely aware that a drake was a male duck. I think I was 16. I do believe that was the same year I pretended to be twins.
I wouldn’t classify myself as a “liar,” just someone who likes to spice things up when life gets a little too boring. However, these things usually come back to bite me in the ass, and for not thinking these little embellishments through, my self-review is to drink two out of five glasses of lemonade, which in reality is water from the toddler section at the city pool.
Here’s a little free advice to any person who happens to have the free time to read my humble column: take a brutally honest look at yourself. Ask yourself some questions. Are the pictures people might take of me be incriminating in the future? Will my children look at me someday and say “what were you thinking?” When I lie to get out of class/work/dates, will that lie come back to haunt me? Is my nickname really that awesome? Ponder these questions. May you avoid the same pitiful faux pas that I made in my past. And now my children, go take on the day.
Monday, September 28, 2009
BEING SICK SUCKS!
This will appear in the Wednesday issue of the Dixie Sun.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Cliché, I know, but that saying is so appropriate. Last week I was hit with the flu, and it was far from fun. I don’t need to remind any of you who’ve had the flu about the time spent in the bathroom, the body temperature fluctuations, and the gallons and gallons of snot and mucus. Sorry, I hope nobody is eating while reading this review.
Whoever gave me the flu gets 35 out of 40 nose hairs plucked from his or her nostrils one at a time, very, very slowly. This person also gets 10 of those hairs stuck on his or her tongue, all day, with no way of removing them.
Furthermore, students who come to school sick get eight out of 10 days of publicly having “potty problems” in their pants. What sort of nincompoops wake up in the morning with their eyes crusted over and a nose completely full of snot and say to themselves: “I’m going to be like the Democrats. I’m going to re-distribute my sickness?”
Don’t think you are being a martyr by “sucking it up” and coming to school while under the inFLUence. Have a little common courtesy and spare the rest of us from your problematic germs.
It’s super easy to e-mail or call your professors and let them in on your situation. I’ll bet you $2 your professor’s e-mail address and phone number are on page one of your syllabus. If your teachers protest, kindly remind them that the president of the United States said to stay home if you think you are getting the flu. Now who would want to go against what his royal highness suggests? Wouldn’t that be treason?
Don’t think that I haven’t considered the porcine factor, either. Believe me, yesterday I asked myself, “What if it’s swine flu?” The pigs that started this whole H1N1 virus get five out of five donkey punches.
Since I had to go to the doctor to make sure I wasn't dying, it got me thinking about the bigger picture. If this whole health care fiasco continues on it's current track, I might be doomed if I get sick in the future.
What if this health care bill passes? What will happen then? I will admit that I am benefiting from Medicaid right now, and without it I would be lost. This new bill the members of Congress are proposing basically says that every citizen will be required to buy health insurance. If citizens don't purchase insurance, they will be “taxed,” or rather fined.
If I can’t afford to buy this insurance, I will get fined an amount I most likely will not be able to pay. So will I end up sick and in jail? That won’t be any fun at all. I would imagine the flu would just get continuously passed around from inmate to inmate. The sickness would be eternal.
Since I missed school last Wednesday, I had a whole day to sit around and think about my bad health and what could happen to me in the future if our nation keeps going in this direction.
Congress, by the way, gets one straight month of having to attend sessions in speedos and bikinis, with extra press coverage. If you’ve seen any of the representatives on Capitol Hill, you’ll know this wouldn’t be pleasant. (Perhaps that would be too much of a punishment for the public, though-something to think about.)
If you are sick, sneezing, coughing, puking, pooping too much, getting hot, getting cold, or just plain don’t feel healthy, for heaven’s sake stay home please. If I find the person who got me sick, the smackdown will be epic.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Cliché, I know, but that saying is so appropriate. Last week I was hit with the flu, and it was far from fun. I don’t need to remind any of you who’ve had the flu about the time spent in the bathroom, the body temperature fluctuations, and the gallons and gallons of snot and mucus. Sorry, I hope nobody is eating while reading this review.
Whoever gave me the flu gets 35 out of 40 nose hairs plucked from his or her nostrils one at a time, very, very slowly. This person also gets 10 of those hairs stuck on his or her tongue, all day, with no way of removing them.
Furthermore, students who come to school sick get eight out of 10 days of publicly having “potty problems” in their pants. What sort of nincompoops wake up in the morning with their eyes crusted over and a nose completely full of snot and say to themselves: “I’m going to be like the Democrats. I’m going to re-distribute my sickness?”
Don’t think you are being a martyr by “sucking it up” and coming to school while under the inFLUence. Have a little common courtesy and spare the rest of us from your problematic germs.
It’s super easy to e-mail or call your professors and let them in on your situation. I’ll bet you $2 your professor’s e-mail address and phone number are on page one of your syllabus. If your teachers protest, kindly remind them that the president of the United States said to stay home if you think you are getting the flu. Now who would want to go against what his royal highness suggests? Wouldn’t that be treason?
Don’t think that I haven’t considered the porcine factor, either. Believe me, yesterday I asked myself, “What if it’s swine flu?” The pigs that started this whole H1N1 virus get five out of five donkey punches.
Since I had to go to the doctor to make sure I wasn't dying, it got me thinking about the bigger picture. If this whole health care fiasco continues on it's current track, I might be doomed if I get sick in the future.
What if this health care bill passes? What will happen then? I will admit that I am benefiting from Medicaid right now, and without it I would be lost. This new bill the members of Congress are proposing basically says that every citizen will be required to buy health insurance. If citizens don't purchase insurance, they will be “taxed,” or rather fined.
If I can’t afford to buy this insurance, I will get fined an amount I most likely will not be able to pay. So will I end up sick and in jail? That won’t be any fun at all. I would imagine the flu would just get continuously passed around from inmate to inmate. The sickness would be eternal.
Since I missed school last Wednesday, I had a whole day to sit around and think about my bad health and what could happen to me in the future if our nation keeps going in this direction.
Congress, by the way, gets one straight month of having to attend sessions in speedos and bikinis, with extra press coverage. If you’ve seen any of the representatives on Capitol Hill, you’ll know this wouldn’t be pleasant. (Perhaps that would be too much of a punishment for the public, though-something to think about.)
If you are sick, sneezing, coughing, puking, pooping too much, getting hot, getting cold, or just plain don’t feel healthy, for heaven’s sake stay home please. If I find the person who got me sick, the smackdown will be epic.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
The St. George AIDS walk
I had four different people pay $11 each for me to walk about half of a mile today.
While it was a pretty expensive stroll, it, along with the donations of other people, added up to this year’s Southern Utah Aids Walk. While the attendance was small, about 60 people, the amounts raised for HIV testing was huge! Over $3000 was donated today for the testing of HIV in the Dixie and southern Nevada areas.
An HIV test costs about $11, so the group UTAH AIDS WALK asked that everyone bring increments of $11 to participate in the walk. My total was $44 thanks to 2 college staff members, a close friend, and my brother’s family.
I went by myself, but it didn’t take long before I saw other people I knew, and met some new friends.
I wasn’t able to get started with the rest of the group on account of the 3 bottles of water and cup of coffee I’d had prior to the walk, not to mention the long line at the bathroom. It did make for some pretty good pictures, though. I made it my own personal goal to get from the very back to the very front and talk to some people along the way.
I saw some fellow students from the college. We talked about the recent ACLU visit, and one student in particular who is involved in the Dixie State Gay/Straight Alliance told me she was very glad that the story made front page news on the Spectrum, but was a little sad that the story had to share with a piece on drop fees on the cover of the Dixie Sun.
The members of the ACLU themselves were in attendance as well. I had the opportunity to speak with them and see just how down to earth and fun they all were.
I passed countless amounts of dogs leading around their owners via leash on my way through the walking crowd, one was even waiting to be adopted; a hound named “Roger.” In hindsight, I should have taken him home. I miss him already. He, along with many other pets, can be a part of anyone’s family! Just check out the Utah PAWS website: www.dixiepaws.org. I might be tracking Roger down later.
Up near the front I chatted with and took some pictures of the leaders of the group. It was mostly small talk, but there was a definite camaraderie I could feel between all of us.
My favorite moments were snapping pictures and yelling out, “SMILE!” It made me feel important.
The people in attendance were from every walk of life. The age range was from toddlers to grandparents. People who simply want to help people seem to be the kind of folks that showed up. I have a new favorite saying concerning HIV/AIDS that I picked up on this walk: “You don’t have to be INFECTED to be AFFECTED.”
The teams that put this together are still working on a website. But if you would like information about the AIDS Walk, you can call my new friend Chris Doss at (435) 669-8970.
While it was a pretty expensive stroll, it, along with the donations of other people, added up to this year’s Southern Utah Aids Walk. While the attendance was small, about 60 people, the amounts raised for HIV testing was huge! Over $3000 was donated today for the testing of HIV in the Dixie and southern Nevada areas.
An HIV test costs about $11, so the group UTAH AIDS WALK asked that everyone bring increments of $11 to participate in the walk. My total was $44 thanks to 2 college staff members, a close friend, and my brother’s family.
I went by myself, but it didn’t take long before I saw other people I knew, and met some new friends.
I wasn’t able to get started with the rest of the group on account of the 3 bottles of water and cup of coffee I’d had prior to the walk, not to mention the long line at the bathroom. It did make for some pretty good pictures, though. I made it my own personal goal to get from the very back to the very front and talk to some people along the way.
I saw some fellow students from the college. We talked about the recent ACLU visit, and one student in particular who is involved in the Dixie State Gay/Straight Alliance told me she was very glad that the story made front page news on the Spectrum, but was a little sad that the story had to share with a piece on drop fees on the cover of the Dixie Sun.
The members of the ACLU themselves were in attendance as well. I had the opportunity to speak with them and see just how down to earth and fun they all were.
I passed countless amounts of dogs leading around their owners via leash on my way through the walking crowd, one was even waiting to be adopted; a hound named “Roger.” In hindsight, I should have taken him home. I miss him already. He, along with many other pets, can be a part of anyone’s family! Just check out the Utah PAWS website: www.dixiepaws.org. I might be tracking Roger down later.
Up near the front I chatted with and took some pictures of the leaders of the group. It was mostly small talk, but there was a definite camaraderie I could feel between all of us.
My favorite moments were snapping pictures and yelling out, “SMILE!” It made me feel important.
The people in attendance were from every walk of life. The age range was from toddlers to grandparents. People who simply want to help people seem to be the kind of folks that showed up. I have a new favorite saying concerning HIV/AIDS that I picked up on this walk: “You don’t have to be INFECTED to be AFFECTED.”
The teams that put this together are still working on a website. But if you would like information about the AIDS Walk, you can call my new friend Chris Doss at (435) 669-8970.
Monday, September 21, 2009
ACORNs are for squirrels... not hookers
I think everyone is starting to realize ACORN is nuts.
Right off the top, I’ve got to give the people at ACORN, The Association for Community Organizers for Reform Now, my worst review ever. That means they get 72 hours in a room full of dirty diapers, the thermostat set at 118 degrees, chained to treadmills going 10 miles-per-hour, and no Desitin allowed.
My review comes on the heels of, but is not about, this inner-city society’s voter fraud scandal. ACORN employees have been hammered in many states across this luxurious land of ours for registering voters who, in essence, didn’t exist. The organization had numerous voter cards filled out for single persons, and even some cards filled out for various Disney characters. If my name were Mickey Mouse, I don’t know if I’d be too pleased when people called my registration “fraudulent.” But I digress.
If you haven’t been following the news, let me get you up to speed. A 25-year-old videographer and a 20-year-old college girl took it upon themselves to go under-cover as a pimp and a prostitute. They tried to get ACORN employees to help them obtain a house to use as a brothel, and skirt some federal laws. That, as the infomercial stars will tell you, is not all. They also told these skuzzy community organizers they were bringing in under-aged girls from out of the country to work in this imaginary ho-house.
While the majority of the ACORN officers didn’t comply with the hooker and her man’s requests, there were a select few who didn’t seem to care about the legal, let alone the moral implications, of helping out such a dubious pair. This was all caught on hidden camera. This is all over the FOX news channel, and network news is starting to pick it up as well... finally. Go to www.foxnews.com if you want to read the details.
I know there isn’t a whole lot of relevancy in this ACORN story to those of us here in Utah, but the whole idea of these college-aged amateur investigative reporters doing under-cover work has my mind in a tizzy.
Kudos to vigilantes. If you’ve had the opportunity to see pictures of this gotcha-duo, you’ll notice that their appearances were those of Halloween costumes at best. That means they had to sell themselves as the real thing, in order for those ACORN poltroons to see past the fur coats and mini-skirts and believe them to be the real thing.
For some of the best under-cover investigative journalism we’ve seen since Linda Tripp (if we can call that journalism), the hidden-camera college kids are hereby awarded the “Skewed Review Golden Goat.” (They were awesome, without any ifs, ands or “butts.”) The Golden Goat comes along with a $50 gift certificate redeemable at the four stores still open at the Red Cliffs Mall. If I were them, I’d spend that quickly before the mall goes out of business.
You’ll hear that his royal highness Ba-rock-my-world Obama has deep-rooted ties with these criminals, I mean community organizers, but that evidence is weak at best. Yes, monies have changed hands from one to the other and back again, but that hardly connects our commander-in-chief to the illegalities of this organization. So for being fair to our country’s CEO, or as I like to call him, our Chairman of the Bored, I award myself with the “Skewed Review Platinum Platypus” because someone as balanced as I am is, like the platypus, an anomaly.
The ACORN branch (no pun intended) in Maryland is trying to sue these two do-gooders because filming someone without their knowledge is a crime in that state. That’s a far worse crime than say, housing underage girls and making money off them by the patronage of perverts. If the attorney general in Maryland pursues this twisted avenue, I’m afraid he’s going to be awarded the “Skewed Review Silver Skunk.” Bad news, Mr. Attorney General, it’s not real silver.
This whole undercover circus has started a fire in my pants, and not just because I‘m a liar. I have the sudden and overwhelming urge to dress up as someone I’m not, hide a camera, and go get some bad guys. I guess I’ll be buying a Halloween costume and an undercover disguise at the Halloween boutiques that are open around town.
The nearest ACORN office is two hours away in Las Vegas, so I need to start racking my brain for closer alternatives. I can’t go after the Dixie One Card anymore because they actually made things right with me. Perhaps there’s some Wal-Mart scandal I can involve myself with?
Shame on you, ACORN. I think our world would benefit by having more people like James O’Keefe, pimp extraordinaire, and Hannah Giles, prostitabulous.
Right off the top, I’ve got to give the people at ACORN, The Association for Community Organizers for Reform Now, my worst review ever. That means they get 72 hours in a room full of dirty diapers, the thermostat set at 118 degrees, chained to treadmills going 10 miles-per-hour, and no Desitin allowed.
My review comes on the heels of, but is not about, this inner-city society’s voter fraud scandal. ACORN employees have been hammered in many states across this luxurious land of ours for registering voters who, in essence, didn’t exist. The organization had numerous voter cards filled out for single persons, and even some cards filled out for various Disney characters. If my name were Mickey Mouse, I don’t know if I’d be too pleased when people called my registration “fraudulent.” But I digress.
If you haven’t been following the news, let me get you up to speed. A 25-year-old videographer and a 20-year-old college girl took it upon themselves to go under-cover as a pimp and a prostitute. They tried to get ACORN employees to help them obtain a house to use as a brothel, and skirt some federal laws. That, as the infomercial stars will tell you, is not all. They also told these skuzzy community organizers they were bringing in under-aged girls from out of the country to work in this imaginary ho-house.
While the majority of the ACORN officers didn’t comply with the hooker and her man’s requests, there were a select few who didn’t seem to care about the legal, let alone the moral implications, of helping out such a dubious pair. This was all caught on hidden camera. This is all over the FOX news channel, and network news is starting to pick it up as well... finally. Go to www.foxnews.com if you want to read the details.
I know there isn’t a whole lot of relevancy in this ACORN story to those of us here in Utah, but the whole idea of these college-aged amateur investigative reporters doing under-cover work has my mind in a tizzy.
Kudos to vigilantes. If you’ve had the opportunity to see pictures of this gotcha-duo, you’ll notice that their appearances were those of Halloween costumes at best. That means they had to sell themselves as the real thing, in order for those ACORN poltroons to see past the fur coats and mini-skirts and believe them to be the real thing.
For some of the best under-cover investigative journalism we’ve seen since Linda Tripp (if we can call that journalism), the hidden-camera college kids are hereby awarded the “Skewed Review Golden Goat.” (They were awesome, without any ifs, ands or “butts.”) The Golden Goat comes along with a $50 gift certificate redeemable at the four stores still open at the Red Cliffs Mall. If I were them, I’d spend that quickly before the mall goes out of business.
You’ll hear that his royal highness Ba-rock-my-world Obama has deep-rooted ties with these criminals, I mean community organizers, but that evidence is weak at best. Yes, monies have changed hands from one to the other and back again, but that hardly connects our commander-in-chief to the illegalities of this organization. So for being fair to our country’s CEO, or as I like to call him, our Chairman of the Bored, I award myself with the “Skewed Review Platinum Platypus” because someone as balanced as I am is, like the platypus, an anomaly.
The ACORN branch (no pun intended) in Maryland is trying to sue these two do-gooders because filming someone without their knowledge is a crime in that state. That’s a far worse crime than say, housing underage girls and making money off them by the patronage of perverts. If the attorney general in Maryland pursues this twisted avenue, I’m afraid he’s going to be awarded the “Skewed Review Silver Skunk.” Bad news, Mr. Attorney General, it’s not real silver.
This whole undercover circus has started a fire in my pants, and not just because I‘m a liar. I have the sudden and overwhelming urge to dress up as someone I’m not, hide a camera, and go get some bad guys. I guess I’ll be buying a Halloween costume and an undercover disguise at the Halloween boutiques that are open around town.
The nearest ACORN office is two hours away in Las Vegas, so I need to start racking my brain for closer alternatives. I can’t go after the Dixie One Card anymore because they actually made things right with me. Perhaps there’s some Wal-Mart scandal I can involve myself with?
Shame on you, ACORN. I think our world would benefit by having more people like James O’Keefe, pimp extraordinaire, and Hannah Giles, prostitabulous.
Friday, September 11, 2009
My college-issued debit card
The Skewed Review: Higher One is low
Stress: (noun) Anything having to do with Matty’s life, made worse by the song “The Climb,” and the Dixie Higher One card.
I am unsure right now of the Sun’s plans to report on the Dixie One Card, but after the Labor Day weekend, I feel it is my solemn duty to review the hell out of it.
In this super-happy time of rainbows and baby kittens, otherwise known as the United States economic mosh pit, I’ve noticed that the “trickle-down effect” is indeed in play. All of the financial crap that is happening to our country at the highest level is the same crap that’s happening to me! The stupid policies of the Dixie One Card aren’t making any of this easier.
Over the Labor Day holiday weekend I took a trip to Salt Lake to visit my sister and her hubby. I used a small portion of my recent student loan to pay for transportation to and from the City of Salt, as well as sustenance to keep me alive. This, as any student who made the mistake of using their card AT ALL will tell you, was a mistake.
My panties are in such a twist right now.
Somewhere along the way, my account was overdrawn. Were you aware that every time your card goes over the limit, there is a $35 insufficient funds fee? Well, since I bought breakfast, gas, lunch and a snack, (three separate transactions) the money “owed” piled up. Oh, and if the money isn’t paid right away, the debt continues to grow. EVERYONE involved with this whole One Card insanity gets 28 days of the month with the Miley Cyrus song “The Climb” stuck in their heads -- NON-STOP.
I will never admit to being smart when it comes to money. That would be a total lie. But considering that I’m a college student, can’t these mooncalves at Master Card give me a break? For an overdraft totaling about $16, I am now in the red for about $150. On second thought, “The Climb” needs to be stuck in their heads for every day but their birthdays.
How many of you college students can boast perfect spending habits? And if you do exist out there, I don’t want to hear about it because it would only peeve me more. Give us a BREAK Higher One!
I might be in a bad mood because last night I couldn’t get to sleep on account of Miss Cyrus’s song “The Climb” playing over and over in my head. The act of writing this review is only making it worse.
Alright, birthdays included you sadistic One Card demons.
I know that this is my fault. There’s nothing more annoying than someone who blames everyone but themselves. Well, there is one thing more annoying… “The Climb.” But I believe with every spend-happy piece of my soul that the punishment is far too harsh for a struggling college student.
And don’t get me started on the “safeguards” they have in place. If you thought about having the One Card website notify you if you by text message when your account is getting low, think again. You’ll never get the message.
This, in addition to all the other countless hidden fees that come along with this so called “easy way” to access your refund money and student loans makes this Higher One Card far from number one on my list.
I guess I just need to think positive. There’s always going to be another mountain. I’m always going to want to make it move. It’s always going to be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m going to have to lose. That song cannot be escaped.
Miley Cyrus, by the way, gets a week of having socks that keep sliding down into her shoes and underwear that rides up ever time she has to fix her socks for getting up one morning and saying, “Hey, I should write a song that make every stressful moment in Matt Jacobson’s life even worse!”
If you are the unfortunate user of the One Card, my advice to you is this: Transfer any and all funds as far away from the horrors of the card as fast as you can, and then cut it up, burn it, spit on the ashes, bury the remains and dance on the grave. Dixie Higher One: you are an abomination.
R.I.P.
Stress: (noun) Anything having to do with Matty’s life, made worse by the song “The Climb,” and the Dixie Higher One card.
I am unsure right now of the Sun’s plans to report on the Dixie One Card, but after the Labor Day weekend, I feel it is my solemn duty to review the hell out of it.
In this super-happy time of rainbows and baby kittens, otherwise known as the United States economic mosh pit, I’ve noticed that the “trickle-down effect” is indeed in play. All of the financial crap that is happening to our country at the highest level is the same crap that’s happening to me! The stupid policies of the Dixie One Card aren’t making any of this easier.
Over the Labor Day holiday weekend I took a trip to Salt Lake to visit my sister and her hubby. I used a small portion of my recent student loan to pay for transportation to and from the City of Salt, as well as sustenance to keep me alive. This, as any student who made the mistake of using their card AT ALL will tell you, was a mistake.
My panties are in such a twist right now.
Somewhere along the way, my account was overdrawn. Were you aware that every time your card goes over the limit, there is a $35 insufficient funds fee? Well, since I bought breakfast, gas, lunch and a snack, (three separate transactions) the money “owed” piled up. Oh, and if the money isn’t paid right away, the debt continues to grow. EVERYONE involved with this whole One Card insanity gets 28 days of the month with the Miley Cyrus song “The Climb” stuck in their heads -- NON-STOP.
I will never admit to being smart when it comes to money. That would be a total lie. But considering that I’m a college student, can’t these mooncalves at Master Card give me a break? For an overdraft totaling about $16, I am now in the red for about $150. On second thought, “The Climb” needs to be stuck in their heads for every day but their birthdays.
How many of you college students can boast perfect spending habits? And if you do exist out there, I don’t want to hear about it because it would only peeve me more. Give us a BREAK Higher One!
I might be in a bad mood because last night I couldn’t get to sleep on account of Miss Cyrus’s song “The Climb” playing over and over in my head. The act of writing this review is only making it worse.
Alright, birthdays included you sadistic One Card demons.
I know that this is my fault. There’s nothing more annoying than someone who blames everyone but themselves. Well, there is one thing more annoying… “The Climb.” But I believe with every spend-happy piece of my soul that the punishment is far too harsh for a struggling college student.
And don’t get me started on the “safeguards” they have in place. If you thought about having the One Card website notify you if you by text message when your account is getting low, think again. You’ll never get the message.
This, in addition to all the other countless hidden fees that come along with this so called “easy way” to access your refund money and student loans makes this Higher One Card far from number one on my list.
I guess I just need to think positive. There’s always going to be another mountain. I’m always going to want to make it move. It’s always going to be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m going to have to lose. That song cannot be escaped.
Miley Cyrus, by the way, gets a week of having socks that keep sliding down into her shoes and underwear that rides up ever time she has to fix her socks for getting up one morning and saying, “Hey, I should write a song that make every stressful moment in Matt Jacobson’s life even worse!”
If you are the unfortunate user of the One Card, my advice to you is this: Transfer any and all funds as far away from the horrors of the card as fast as you can, and then cut it up, burn it, spit on the ashes, bury the remains and dance on the grave. Dixie Higher One: you are an abomination.
R.I.P.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
This is a revision of my "Points System" article. I decided it needed to have shorter stories and be more inclusive with a little bit of advice.
I used to consider myself a somewhat educated person; witty and smart and quick to learn. This semester at Dixie however, has proved me wrong.
Last week as the staff of the Dixie Sun were gathering to discuss our upcoming issue, I was asked for a hard copy of my column, which I didn’t have. The only computers in the room were Macs, and at the cost of my popularity I’ll admit right now that my laptop is a PC.
I took out my flash drive, and plugged it into the foreign machine that sat in front of me. That was all he wrote because I couldn’t figure out how to get a document opened, let alone transfer the content from PC compatible to Mac, and then print it. Our advisor looked at me as if I had just stuck my finger in a light socket and then wondered why my hair was smoking. I felt like an idiot.
You can bet that I began thinking of how I was going to review the Mac world. Just when I was about to award Steve Wozniack 9 out of ten McDonald’s French fries wiped across his favorite shirt, I suddenly started wondering if those fries needed to be wiped on me. I had to ask myself: am I textbook stupid?
I recalled the time I was sitting at a stoplight in St. George, waiting for it to turn green, and suddenly the car behind me began honking. I looked back at him, turned back to the road, and realized I was at a stop SIGN. I’d have to award myself 3 out of 5 days of loud gas at school for that one.
And then there’s the ADD moments. I can’t even count the times I’ve left my cell phone in a bathroom on campus. I went to turn my phone off as I was checking in to the testing center, and I actually had to run down to the Red Rock Café when I realized I’d left it in those bathrooms. Maybe I shouldn’t use that “down time” to check my schedule and send text messages. I’d have to give myself 2 hangnails and a day of having to get stuff out of my pocket for that.
I find myself holding back my questions on things for fear of looking and sounding stupid. I have to wonder how many other people do that? Are we as a society becoming dumber and dumber because we are afraid to ask questions for the fear of looking and sounding like idiots?
When I got my first iPod (last year…) I was so afraid to ask exactly how to download songs. Everyone has an iPod, and I felt as if I was the last person on earth to actually own one. So when searching for songs I liked on the internet, I would come across an album that I thought was the one I wanted. I didn’t know you could listen to the songs before you bought them. I think I wasted about 50 bucks downloading albums I realized I didn’t want. For not ASKING how to do it, I award myself a day of Slip-n-Sliding on a lawn with lots of sprinkler heads. Ouch.
The list goes on. I’ve been indoors and turned on lights and wondered why it was so dark. Then I took my sunglasses off. I’ve pressed the AC button in my truck and wondered why the interior was so hot, but people coming towards me were flashing their lights. Then I noticed I turned on my flashers instead of the air conditioning. I’ve even walked to my first class and wondered why my feet hurt so much, before taking off my shoes and switching each one to the correct foot. The reviews I could give myself would fill a book. So I hereby award myself 4 out of 5 books that have to be re-read over and over again because of the constant ADD moments that make me forget what I’ve read RIGHT after I’ve read it.
And here’s my advice to all of you. The next time you think you’re going to sound stupid for asking a question, just ask it. And if the person reacts to your question as if you’re dumb, simply remind them that learning is the only cure for stupidity.
I used to consider myself a somewhat educated person; witty and smart and quick to learn. This semester at Dixie however, has proved me wrong.
Last week as the staff of the Dixie Sun were gathering to discuss our upcoming issue, I was asked for a hard copy of my column, which I didn’t have. The only computers in the room were Macs, and at the cost of my popularity I’ll admit right now that my laptop is a PC.
I took out my flash drive, and plugged it into the foreign machine that sat in front of me. That was all he wrote because I couldn’t figure out how to get a document opened, let alone transfer the content from PC compatible to Mac, and then print it. Our advisor looked at me as if I had just stuck my finger in a light socket and then wondered why my hair was smoking. I felt like an idiot.
You can bet that I began thinking of how I was going to review the Mac world. Just when I was about to award Steve Wozniack 9 out of ten McDonald’s French fries wiped across his favorite shirt, I suddenly started wondering if those fries needed to be wiped on me. I had to ask myself: am I textbook stupid?
I recalled the time I was sitting at a stoplight in St. George, waiting for it to turn green, and suddenly the car behind me began honking. I looked back at him, turned back to the road, and realized I was at a stop SIGN. I’d have to award myself 3 out of 5 days of loud gas at school for that one.
And then there’s the ADD moments. I can’t even count the times I’ve left my cell phone in a bathroom on campus. I went to turn my phone off as I was checking in to the testing center, and I actually had to run down to the Red Rock Café when I realized I’d left it in those bathrooms. Maybe I shouldn’t use that “down time” to check my schedule and send text messages. I’d have to give myself 2 hangnails and a day of having to get stuff out of my pocket for that.
I find myself holding back my questions on things for fear of looking and sounding stupid. I have to wonder how many other people do that? Are we as a society becoming dumber and dumber because we are afraid to ask questions for the fear of looking and sounding like idiots?
When I got my first iPod (last year…) I was so afraid to ask exactly how to download songs. Everyone has an iPod, and I felt as if I was the last person on earth to actually own one. So when searching for songs I liked on the internet, I would come across an album that I thought was the one I wanted. I didn’t know you could listen to the songs before you bought them. I think I wasted about 50 bucks downloading albums I realized I didn’t want. For not ASKING how to do it, I award myself a day of Slip-n-Sliding on a lawn with lots of sprinkler heads. Ouch.
The list goes on. I’ve been indoors and turned on lights and wondered why it was so dark. Then I took my sunglasses off. I’ve pressed the AC button in my truck and wondered why the interior was so hot, but people coming towards me were flashing their lights. Then I noticed I turned on my flashers instead of the air conditioning. I’ve even walked to my first class and wondered why my feet hurt so much, before taking off my shoes and switching each one to the correct foot. The reviews I could give myself would fill a book. So I hereby award myself 4 out of 5 books that have to be re-read over and over again because of the constant ADD moments that make me forget what I’ve read RIGHT after I’ve read it.
And here’s my advice to all of you. The next time you think you’re going to sound stupid for asking a question, just ask it. And if the person reacts to your question as if you’re dumb, simply remind them that learning is the only cure for stupidity.
This is another bland article that will be in the Dixie Sun. Check out www.dixiesunlink.com for the "official" article coming out on Wednesday!
Graffiti is often looked upon as a form of vandalism, but is actually an artistic expression, says www.graffnews.com, a website that shows the inventive artwork in a positive light.
The website is dedicated to graffiti and graffiti artists around the nation. The site includes photos and videos of the different “tags” that are seen around the United States. There is even a Utah section where there are excerpts from the local papers on the issues concerning graffiti in the area.
The Internet houses a wide variety of websites committed to graffiti, most of which are pro-tagging. Anyone can find interesting and unique forms of graffiti all over the web. www.puregraffiti.com features not only photos and video of the U.S., but also covers regions worldwide.
This and most other sites include interviews, comments, blogs, and often ads for graffiti paraphernalia. www.thegreenhead.com even has an “LED spray can” for sale. It’s a spray can shaped light that can “paint” in the air. This gadget was also advertised on graffnews.com and puregraffiti.com.
Some Dixie State College students agree that graffiti can be a form of artistic expression, but believe there can be a better outlet for it. Steven Johnson from Las Vegas who is studying generals says that “Vegas is a big graffiti place.” He said that graffiti can be “artistic, but some of it is vulgar.” He says that since he’s moved to St. George, he hasn’t seen any graffiti at all.
Johnson believes as a creative outlet, graffiti can be positive. “If it weren’t considered vandalism, it would be a great form of art,” he said.
Alex Marshall, a junior Biology student from St. George doesn’t think that graffiti artists should use walls as places for their artwork. “I think it’s really artistic and cool,” she says, “I think they just need to put it down on a canvas instead of a wall.”
As far as locally, Marshall says that she doesn’t see graffiti around town very often because “St. George is pretty good about cleaning it up really fast.”
Dixie State College Registrar, Julie Stender says that graffiti “is artistic, but it is vandalism.” Her advice to graffiti artists is: “Find a better outlet for it than on the side of someone’s building or fence.”
Artistic or not, the vandalism has a price. In 2007 St. George spent $47,000 on graffiti clean-up, according to http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,635213467,00.html.
The students and staff seem to be in agreement that graffiti can be artistic and creative, and that if applied in a way that isn’t vandalism, is acceptable.
Graffiti is often looked upon as a form of vandalism, but is actually an artistic expression, says www.graffnews.com, a website that shows the inventive artwork in a positive light.
The website is dedicated to graffiti and graffiti artists around the nation. The site includes photos and videos of the different “tags” that are seen around the United States. There is even a Utah section where there are excerpts from the local papers on the issues concerning graffiti in the area.
The Internet houses a wide variety of websites committed to graffiti, most of which are pro-tagging. Anyone can find interesting and unique forms of graffiti all over the web. www.puregraffiti.com features not only photos and video of the U.S., but also covers regions worldwide.
This and most other sites include interviews, comments, blogs, and often ads for graffiti paraphernalia. www.thegreenhead.com even has an “LED spray can” for sale. It’s a spray can shaped light that can “paint” in the air. This gadget was also advertised on graffnews.com and puregraffiti.com.
Some Dixie State College students agree that graffiti can be a form of artistic expression, but believe there can be a better outlet for it. Steven Johnson from Las Vegas who is studying generals says that “Vegas is a big graffiti place.” He said that graffiti can be “artistic, but some of it is vulgar.” He says that since he’s moved to St. George, he hasn’t seen any graffiti at all.
Johnson believes as a creative outlet, graffiti can be positive. “If it weren’t considered vandalism, it would be a great form of art,” he said.
Alex Marshall, a junior Biology student from St. George doesn’t think that graffiti artists should use walls as places for their artwork. “I think it’s really artistic and cool,” she says, “I think they just need to put it down on a canvas instead of a wall.”
As far as locally, Marshall says that she doesn’t see graffiti around town very often because “St. George is pretty good about cleaning it up really fast.”
Dixie State College Registrar, Julie Stender says that graffiti “is artistic, but it is vandalism.” Her advice to graffiti artists is: “Find a better outlet for it than on the side of someone’s building or fence.”
Artistic or not, the vandalism has a price. In 2007 St. George spent $47,000 on graffiti clean-up, according to http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,635213467,00.html.
The students and staff seem to be in agreement that graffiti can be artistic and creative, and that if applied in a way that isn’t vandalism, is acceptable.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The Points System
My last two Skewed Reviews have been politically based, and although I can’t seem to take anything seriously, I think I managed to come across as serious the last couple times. THEREFORE, I hereby announce that this review will be pure FLUFF.
I was sitting at a stoplight the other morning, waiting for it to turn green. As I sat pondering what my next Somewhat Skewed Review would be about, the car behind me honked loudly. I looked up to see if the light had turned, and realized that I was at a stop light, but rather a stop sign. This brings me to the introduction of “Do-deedo Points.”
I can hardly give myself four out of five wedgies and a slap or two, but I can add up the “Points” and eventually win a prize. I think that of everyone I award “Do-Deedo Points” to this year will be in the race for a trip to Lagoon after a breakfast of seven bran muffins and a quart of prune juice. Oh, and no Immodium A.D. allowed.
So sitting at a stop sign waiting for it turn green gets eight points.
I’m going to be keeping my eye out for fellow students who deserve these points. You’d better start memorizing my face from my picture, because I’m going to be on the lookout. I am dedicating my column to a humorous spin on things we often take seriously, but every few weeks, I’m going to take on the humorous things that simply need to be spotlighted. Of course, I’ll always start with myself.
Onto another story concerning yours truly that happened just the other morning. I like to get up before the sun rises, and run a few miles around Pine Valley with my black lab, Scout. On this particular morning, I made my way up to the park reservoir, and as I went to cross the dam, I noticed there was an animal sitting about 30 feet from me.
I don’t like to freely admit that I’m a pussy, but I will elude to that fact. One of the reasons Scout accompanies me on my morning runs, is not for her exercise, but for my protection. Those mountain fawns can be vicious. Scout can always be trusted to alert me with a loud bark whenever some hoodlum Bambi gets in my vicinity.
But that morning, she didn’t bark. She didn’t even CARE that there was an animal sitting between us and the road back home! I let her off her leash, and said, “GO GET ‘EM!” She looked up at me, looked around, and trotted down to the water. If I had a gun handy, the safety would be off.
I turned off my iPod and slowly reached into my sweater pocket for the flashlight I carry for just such an occasion. With an uncanny stealth that would put a dump truck to shame, I fumbled and dropped the flashlight, scurried to pick it up, and managed to get it lit after a few failed attempts.
Since I nearly wet myself, I was a little disappointed to see that this whole commotion was over a trash can. Since I had let Scout off her leash, she had wandered off to some unknown place in the woods, and now I REALLY was alone. Can you picture me standing there in the dark, loudly whispering, “Scout? SCOUT?”
If you hadn’t already guessed, I made it out of the woods alive that day. But there were 22 “Do-Deedo Points” to be had that day, which brings my grand total to 30 points.
Don’t worry, I can already guarantee that there will be those of you who catch up to me. I’m waiting with baited breath for you guys who accidentally go into the ladies’ restroom and people who cross to the NIB while the “DON’T WALK” sign is on! Good luck, everyone!
I was sitting at a stoplight the other morning, waiting for it to turn green. As I sat pondering what my next Somewhat Skewed Review would be about, the car behind me honked loudly. I looked up to see if the light had turned, and realized that I was at a stop light, but rather a stop sign. This brings me to the introduction of “Do-deedo Points.”
I can hardly give myself four out of five wedgies and a slap or two, but I can add up the “Points” and eventually win a prize. I think that of everyone I award “Do-Deedo Points” to this year will be in the race for a trip to Lagoon after a breakfast of seven bran muffins and a quart of prune juice. Oh, and no Immodium A.D. allowed.
So sitting at a stop sign waiting for it turn green gets eight points.
I’m going to be keeping my eye out for fellow students who deserve these points. You’d better start memorizing my face from my picture, because I’m going to be on the lookout. I am dedicating my column to a humorous spin on things we often take seriously, but every few weeks, I’m going to take on the humorous things that simply need to be spotlighted. Of course, I’ll always start with myself.
Onto another story concerning yours truly that happened just the other morning. I like to get up before the sun rises, and run a few miles around Pine Valley with my black lab, Scout. On this particular morning, I made my way up to the park reservoir, and as I went to cross the dam, I noticed there was an animal sitting about 30 feet from me.
I don’t like to freely admit that I’m a pussy, but I will elude to that fact. One of the reasons Scout accompanies me on my morning runs, is not for her exercise, but for my protection. Those mountain fawns can be vicious. Scout can always be trusted to alert me with a loud bark whenever some hoodlum Bambi gets in my vicinity.
But that morning, she didn’t bark. She didn’t even CARE that there was an animal sitting between us and the road back home! I let her off her leash, and said, “GO GET ‘EM!” She looked up at me, looked around, and trotted down to the water. If I had a gun handy, the safety would be off.
I turned off my iPod and slowly reached into my sweater pocket for the flashlight I carry for just such an occasion. With an uncanny stealth that would put a dump truck to shame, I fumbled and dropped the flashlight, scurried to pick it up, and managed to get it lit after a few failed attempts.
Since I nearly wet myself, I was a little disappointed to see that this whole commotion was over a trash can. Since I had let Scout off her leash, she had wandered off to some unknown place in the woods, and now I REALLY was alone. Can you picture me standing there in the dark, loudly whispering, “Scout? SCOUT?”
If you hadn’t already guessed, I made it out of the woods alive that day. But there were 22 “Do-Deedo Points” to be had that day, which brings my grand total to 30 points.
Don’t worry, I can already guarantee that there will be those of you who catch up to me. I’m waiting with baited breath for you guys who accidentally go into the ladies’ restroom and people who cross to the NIB while the “DON’T WALK” sign is on! Good luck, everyone!
A Local Review
This will be in Wednesday's edition of the Dixie Sun. It's a review of a local pizza joint that just opened up. Bland, I know, but my opinion column will be far more entertaining.
Monday I decided it was time to stop driving by Brick Oven at 1410 E Saint George Blvd, and actually step inside for a look and a taste.
The first thing I noticed was an abundance of children running past me as I entered the doors. I was skeptical and didn't think this would be the place for me. Not that I don’t love children, but there’s something about herds of kids gallivanting around while I’m trying to eat that just makes my appetite decrease.
As soon as I entered the foyer, however, the smell of the cooking pizzas and the extraordinary service dumped the screaming children from my mind. I was greeted with enthusiasm and shown to a table almost immediately. I did tell them I was going to write a review for the Dixie Sun, so I made sure to keep an eye on the way they treated other customers too, just to make sure they weren’t giving me special treatment.
From observing the tables around me and the service they were getting, it seemed that while they treated me like I was someone super-special, I wasn’t any more super-special than any of the other patrons. We were all V.I.P. diners.
What good is service if the food isn’t that grand? My waitress, Erin, told me that on Monday nights you get free Brick Oven root beer with your meal, so I decided to take advantage of that. The root beer was very sweet. You may like that sort of thing, but for me, it kind of felt like I was drinking sugar water with crushed up root beer barrels in it.
The pizza I ordered, though, was fabulous. I tried the chicken-artichoke with alfredo sauce instead of marinara. There are plenty of pizza joints around St. George, but I was drawn to Brick Oven’s mix and match your own pizza menu, even trading out the regular red sauce for something more exotic.
For this gourmet pizza dinner, home-made root beer, and outstanding service, the check added up to only $10.
The menu is very reasonably priced, ranging for from $8 for individual meals, on up to the largest $20 pizza. The entire menu and prices can be viewed at http://www.brickovenrestaurant.com/menus.html.
Gather a group of friends at Brick Oven and order a huge pizza. I can already guarantee their pies are far superior to Little Caesars‘, and the ambiance and cleanliness of the whole restaurant is just groovy.
There was also an extensive dessert menu, and while everything looked tempting, I had stuffed myself with chicken artichoke pizza, so I honestly couldn’t get anything down over the size of a cookie, so it was a cookie I ordered. Imagine my amazement when I was served a cookie about the size of a pancake. It ended up being my midnight snack later on that night.
I definitely endorse this restaurant as the place to gather before the football games, or after a weekend movie. The entire staff is friendly, the service is quick and the pizzas are great. Monday night is the night to be there, because it’s free root beer for everyone after 5 p.m.
Monday I decided it was time to stop driving by Brick Oven at 1410 E Saint George Blvd, and actually step inside for a look and a taste.
The first thing I noticed was an abundance of children running past me as I entered the doors. I was skeptical and didn't think this would be the place for me. Not that I don’t love children, but there’s something about herds of kids gallivanting around while I’m trying to eat that just makes my appetite decrease.
As soon as I entered the foyer, however, the smell of the cooking pizzas and the extraordinary service dumped the screaming children from my mind. I was greeted with enthusiasm and shown to a table almost immediately. I did tell them I was going to write a review for the Dixie Sun, so I made sure to keep an eye on the way they treated other customers too, just to make sure they weren’t giving me special treatment.
From observing the tables around me and the service they were getting, it seemed that while they treated me like I was someone super-special, I wasn’t any more super-special than any of the other patrons. We were all V.I.P. diners.
What good is service if the food isn’t that grand? My waitress, Erin, told me that on Monday nights you get free Brick Oven root beer with your meal, so I decided to take advantage of that. The root beer was very sweet. You may like that sort of thing, but for me, it kind of felt like I was drinking sugar water with crushed up root beer barrels in it.
The pizza I ordered, though, was fabulous. I tried the chicken-artichoke with alfredo sauce instead of marinara. There are plenty of pizza joints around St. George, but I was drawn to Brick Oven’s mix and match your own pizza menu, even trading out the regular red sauce for something more exotic.
For this gourmet pizza dinner, home-made root beer, and outstanding service, the check added up to only $10.
The menu is very reasonably priced, ranging for from $8 for individual meals, on up to the largest $20 pizza. The entire menu and prices can be viewed at http://www.brickovenrestaurant.com/menus.html.
Gather a group of friends at Brick Oven and order a huge pizza. I can already guarantee their pies are far superior to Little Caesars‘, and the ambiance and cleanliness of the whole restaurant is just groovy.
There was also an extensive dessert menu, and while everything looked tempting, I had stuffed myself with chicken artichoke pizza, so I honestly couldn’t get anything down over the size of a cookie, so it was a cookie I ordered. Imagine my amazement when I was served a cookie about the size of a pancake. It ended up being my midnight snack later on that night.
I definitely endorse this restaurant as the place to gather before the football games, or after a weekend movie. The entire staff is friendly, the service is quick and the pizzas are great. Monday night is the night to be there, because it’s free root beer for everyone after 5 p.m.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Before the Butchering...
The DSC Sun article comes out today with my butchered piece on struggling college students. In light of what is to be released, I decided I wanted to give the reading public a chance to see what they are missing out on. So below, I've posted my article in its original form, and I urge you to compare it to the article in the following post. Please make note of the many, MANY changes.
Also note that the tips in the second article are far less simplistic than the tips I came up with on my own. Since I had to use a source, I couldn't just track down one-line financial tips that could be easily remembered. The only suggestion that I found that I actually liked, was the 12 cent Ramen Noodle reference in the second article. I prefer the rest of my original tips in article one to the lengthy, and sometimes vague suggestions in article two.
Please let me know what you think.!
Money is a priority on everyone’s list, whether it be to save or to spend. A college student’s financial goal should be to use any and all resources available to save their money, but there are a fraction of them who can’t seem to get their spending under control.
According to StateUniversity.com, the average college student spends about $13,000 per year, but makes only about $757 per month. This article is at http://www.stateuniversity.com/blog/permalink/The-Spending-Habits-of-College-Students.html.
The debt incurred while attending school can add up very quickly. Today’s student should spend with discretion, and budget wisely. Unfortunately, the number of college-goers who squander their earnings on luxuries is steadily rising. Where there was once a frugal freshman who ditched a daily commute in his car for a bus ride, and gagged down a diet of Ramen in lieu of fast food, there is now an A-list socialite driving a new Prius, talking on their I-phone, and having steak with friends 3 times a week.
This kind of lifestyle is a recipe for disaster in the years to come, especially if student loans are involved. Sometimes pride must be swallowed and a budget must be implemented. It can be easier that some people think.
Nursing student Jamie Avery from Kaysville finds that having fun doesn’t have to break the bank. “I love hiking and fishing,” she says, “you pay $2.50 for a cup of worms, and have a fun a day at the lake with your friends. You get to eat what you catch, so you don’t have to pay for dinner!”
Avery had another tip on frugality: “There are lots of deals on things, you just have to be willing to find them. I bought a great microwave at D.I.,” she added with a smile, “but don’t tell anyone!”
Communications major Hayli Hunt from New Harmony’s advice is to sell down. “I had two cars, and realized I didn’t need them, so I sold them both.” She is a champion of carpooling and walking, and says that it’s not a big deal with a campus of Dixie State College’s size.
DSC Financial Aid Director J.D. Robertson has some very good advice for students who are using grants and loans to pay for their education. He says that a “student’s focus should be on getting through school with as little debt as possible, and that takes sacrifice.”
One of the best things a student can do, according to Robertson, is to make a monthly budget. A student should write down their total income each month, and then prioritize their monthly needs. Set aside the money needed for tuition, books, housing and food first. He adds that small things like not upgrading your cell phone every six months and packing your own lunch each day can easily save you lots of money.
Robertson also notes that a student should never spend their loan or grant money on luxuries. “Financial aid is not made to fund a lifestyle,” he says, “it’s to fund your college education. It’s there to cover your tuition and fees, to cover your books, to help you with modest housing, and a little bit of transportation.” He says a lot of students get themselves in trouble by spending their loans on things like car payments, clothes, fast food, insurance, and other items that aren’t related to their education.
Here are a few small tips to cut your spending and escalate your savings:
-Shop Wal-Mart instead of the Mall
-Use Internet connections at school instead of on your cell phone
-Save the environment: Carpool or walk
-Skip McDonalds, and make your own meals
-Ditch the trip to Mesquite or Vegas and hike the beautiful red rocks
-Get a $1 movie at RedBox instead of a $7.50 flick at the theater
-Buy used books, and don’t forget to sell them back!
Also note that the tips in the second article are far less simplistic than the tips I came up with on my own. Since I had to use a source, I couldn't just track down one-line financial tips that could be easily remembered. The only suggestion that I found that I actually liked, was the 12 cent Ramen Noodle reference in the second article. I prefer the rest of my original tips in article one to the lengthy, and sometimes vague suggestions in article two.
Please let me know what you think.!
Money is a priority on everyone’s list, whether it be to save or to spend. A college student’s financial goal should be to use any and all resources available to save their money, but there are a fraction of them who can’t seem to get their spending under control.
According to StateUniversity.com, the average college student spends about $13,000 per year, but makes only about $757 per month. This article is at http://www.stateuniversity.com/blog/permalink/The-Spending-Habits-of-College-Students.html.
The debt incurred while attending school can add up very quickly. Today’s student should spend with discretion, and budget wisely. Unfortunately, the number of college-goers who squander their earnings on luxuries is steadily rising. Where there was once a frugal freshman who ditched a daily commute in his car for a bus ride, and gagged down a diet of Ramen in lieu of fast food, there is now an A-list socialite driving a new Prius, talking on their I-phone, and having steak with friends 3 times a week.
This kind of lifestyle is a recipe for disaster in the years to come, especially if student loans are involved. Sometimes pride must be swallowed and a budget must be implemented. It can be easier that some people think.
Nursing student Jamie Avery from Kaysville finds that having fun doesn’t have to break the bank. “I love hiking and fishing,” she says, “you pay $2.50 for a cup of worms, and have a fun a day at the lake with your friends. You get to eat what you catch, so you don’t have to pay for dinner!”
Avery had another tip on frugality: “There are lots of deals on things, you just have to be willing to find them. I bought a great microwave at D.I.,” she added with a smile, “but don’t tell anyone!”
Communications major Hayli Hunt from New Harmony’s advice is to sell down. “I had two cars, and realized I didn’t need them, so I sold them both.” She is a champion of carpooling and walking, and says that it’s not a big deal with a campus of Dixie State College’s size.
DSC Financial Aid Director J.D. Robertson has some very good advice for students who are using grants and loans to pay for their education. He says that a “student’s focus should be on getting through school with as little debt as possible, and that takes sacrifice.”
One of the best things a student can do, according to Robertson, is to make a monthly budget. A student should write down their total income each month, and then prioritize their monthly needs. Set aside the money needed for tuition, books, housing and food first. He adds that small things like not upgrading your cell phone every six months and packing your own lunch each day can easily save you lots of money.
Robertson also notes that a student should never spend their loan or grant money on luxuries. “Financial aid is not made to fund a lifestyle,” he says, “it’s to fund your college education. It’s there to cover your tuition and fees, to cover your books, to help you with modest housing, and a little bit of transportation.” He says a lot of students get themselves in trouble by spending their loans on things like car payments, clothes, fast food, insurance, and other items that aren’t related to their education.
Here are a few small tips to cut your spending and escalate your savings:
-Shop Wal-Mart instead of the Mall
-Use Internet connections at school instead of on your cell phone
-Save the environment: Carpool or walk
-Skip McDonalds, and make your own meals
-Ditch the trip to Mesquite or Vegas and hike the beautiful red rocks
-Get a $1 movie at RedBox instead of a $7.50 flick at the theater
-Buy used books, and don’t forget to sell them back!
Monday, August 24, 2009
The New DSC Article...
I'm not particularly proud of this article, because it was chopped and changed by the editor so it would be "Associated Press style." I've come to realize that "AP Style" is incredibly boring to read. No wonder the newspaper industry is tanking.
I prefer my opinion columns far more than this droll little AP style reporting. But you be the judge. This will be in the first issue of the DSC Sun. Comments will be appreciated. Please know that my original draft was much more fun to read, and it told a story. The following is the edited version, and I find it horribly bland.
"Fiscal Survival as a College Student"
According to http://www.stateuniversity.com/blog/permalink/The-Spending-Habits-of-College-Students.html., the average college student spends about $13,000 per year, but makes only about $757 per month.
On the same site, it indicates that the debt incurred while attending school can add up very quickly. Today’s student should spend with discretion and budget wisely. Unfortunately, the number of college-goers who squander their earnings on luxuries is steadily rising.
This kind of lifestyle is a recipe for disaster said Financial Aid Director J.D. Robinson, especially if student loans are involved. Sometimes pride must be swallowed and a budget must be implemented. It can be easier that some people think.
Robertson had some advice for students who are using grants and loans to pay for their education.
One of the best things a student can do is to make a monthly budget, Robertson said. A student should write down their total income each month, and then prioritize their monthly needs. Set aside the money needed for tuition, books, housing and food first. He said that little things like not upgrading a cell phone every six months and packing a lunch each day can easily save lots of money.
A student should never spend their loan or grant money on luxuries, said Robertson.
“Financial aid is not made to fund a lifestyle, but to fund your college education," he said. "It’s there to cover your tuition and fees, to cover your books, to help you with modest housing, and a little bit of transportation.”
A lot of students get themselves in trouble by spending their loans on things like car payments, clothes, fast food, insurance, and other items that aren’t related to their education, said Robertson.
Jamie Avery, a senior nursing major from Kaysville, finds that having fun doesn’t have to break the bank.
“I love hiking and fishing,” she said. “You pay $2.50 for a cup of worms, and have a fun day at the lake with your friends. You get to eat what you catch, so you don’t have to pay for dinner.”
Avery had some suggestions on bargains, as well. "There are lots of deals on things, you just have to be willing to find them," she said. "I bought a great microwave at the DI, but don’t tell anyone."
Selling down is a good way to get money, says Hayli Hunt, a senior communication major from New Harmony. “I had two cars and realized I didn’t need them, so I sold them both."
She said she is a champion of carpooling and walking, and that it’s not a big deal going to school on a small campus.
Saving money while going to college isn't hard to do. Here are some tips from http://www.collegescholarships.org/student-living/save-money.htm:
I prefer my opinion columns far more than this droll little AP style reporting. But you be the judge. This will be in the first issue of the DSC Sun. Comments will be appreciated. Please know that my original draft was much more fun to read, and it told a story. The following is the edited version, and I find it horribly bland.
"Fiscal Survival as a College Student"
Money is a priority on everyone’s list, whether it is to save or to spend.
According to http://www.stateuniversity.com/blog/permalink/The-Spending-Habits-of-College-Students.html., the average college student spends about $13,000 per year, but makes only about $757 per month.
On the same site, it indicates that the debt incurred while attending school can add up very quickly. Today’s student should spend with discretion and budget wisely. Unfortunately, the number of college-goers who squander their earnings on luxuries is steadily rising.
This kind of lifestyle is a recipe for disaster said Financial Aid Director J.D. Robinson, especially if student loans are involved. Sometimes pride must be swallowed and a budget must be implemented. It can be easier that some people think.
Robertson had some advice for students who are using grants and loans to pay for their education.
“A student’s focus should be on getting through school with as little debt as possible, and that takes sacrifice,” Robertson said.
One of the best things a student can do is to make a monthly budget, Robertson said. A student should write down their total income each month, and then prioritize their monthly needs. Set aside the money needed for tuition, books, housing and food first. He said that little things like not upgrading a cell phone every six months and packing a lunch each day can easily save lots of money.
A student should never spend their loan or grant money on luxuries, said Robertson.
“Financial aid is not made to fund a lifestyle, but to fund your college education," he said. "It’s there to cover your tuition and fees, to cover your books, to help you with modest housing, and a little bit of transportation.”
A lot of students get themselves in trouble by spending their loans on things like car payments, clothes, fast food, insurance, and other items that aren’t related to their education, said Robertson.
Jamie Avery, a senior nursing major from Kaysville, finds that having fun doesn’t have to break the bank.
“I love hiking and fishing,” she said. “You pay $2.50 for a cup of worms, and have a fun day at the lake with your friends. You get to eat what you catch, so you don’t have to pay for dinner.”
Avery had some suggestions on bargains, as well. "There are lots of deals on things, you just have to be willing to find them," she said. "I bought a great microwave at the DI, but don’t tell anyone."
Selling down is a good way to get money, says Hayli Hunt, a senior communication major from New Harmony. “I had two cars and realized I didn’t need them, so I sold them both."
She said she is a champion of carpooling and walking, and that it’s not a big deal going to school on a small campus.
Saving money while going to college isn't hard to do. Here are some tips from http://www.collegescholarships.org/student-living/save-money.htm:
-Save your spare change and count it and roll it yourself. Coin counting machines usually rip you off.
-Sell your used textbooks online and make extra cash.
-Trying to eat on 12 cents? Two words: Ramen Noodles-Try www.download.com for free music, videos, games and utilities
-Forget about T.V. Watch shows through the Internet. Shows can usually be viewed through hulu.com.
-Check the newspapers for upcoming free events: concerts, fairs, theater, festivals, art galleries, etc. HOW ABOUT THE DIXIE SUN SPECIFICALLY?
-Ask for practical items for Christmas/birthdays. Getting things you need saves you from spending the cash.
-Don't shop hungry.
-Feeling the urge to splurge? Instead go for a run, a bike ride or a brisk walk. You'll get some exercise-induced serotonin and the feeling will cost you nothing.
-Donate plasma (try BioLife at 816 N. 2860 E. Street in St. George).
-Get a job in the food service industry. Chances are high that you can eat for free.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Move Over Branjelina... IT'S OBAMA!
I am a conservative liberal. (Or am I a liberal conservative?) Either way, I’m an Independent. I have no ties to either the Republicans nor the Democrats. I just happened to have voted for Barack Obama, and after half a year of B-Rock’s ambitious experiments, I’ve decided that I WANT MY VOTE BACK.
It wasn’t long after he kicked L’il Bush out of the Oval Office that I noticed he spent a lot of time on T.V. I’ve often wondered if Mr. O should have been a sitcom star rather than a President. He obviously loves the camera, and indeed, the camera loves him. I can almost hear the journalists blowing him little kisses and passing him notes reading: “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” One has to ask; How does a President get things done when he’s spending all of his time reading teleprompters to a swarm of swooning reporters? For his lack of tact in these tough times, our Commander in Chief gets 4 out of 5 toes run over by my big wheel.
Now it’s true that this He-Man from Hawaii ran a very successful campaign on “change,” and it’s more than obvious that he’s going the distance to make sure that “change” will definitely happen. While I find it a bit over-zealous, It never hurts to have someone who can juggle 19 or 20 projects at once. For his ability, or rather, his attempt to succeed in a plethora of projects, our Chief gets a Hail and a $20 gift certificate to the Zion Factory stores. Have fun spending it, Pres! (He’s already proved that spending is something he does very well.)
As for the aforementioned campaign, I was under the assumption that once a President is elected into office, his campaign is over. I can hardly believe what a dunderhead I am, because I was severely mistaken. Is it just me, or did Obama’s campaign kick into over drive after he got the keys to White House front door? Suddenly it seems like old prezzy-poo has got to sell us on all these plans to overhaul the nation, and it’s apparent he’s given himself a 1 year deadline.
Now, if my memory serves me correctly, (which it does almost half of the time) I believe Barack wants to close Guantanamo Bay, fix the mortgage crisis, end the recession, bail-out the nation’s banks and the car companies, convince the world we’re not evil, give the folks some cash for their clunkers, stimulate the economy, bow to the King of Saudi-Arabia but not Queen of England, throw out opening pitches at baseball games, shoot some hoops with his Secret Service homies, help Sasha and Malia with their science projects, and train the family dog, Bo. And that’s just a week’s schedule.
Of his national to-do list, the issue that seems to stay on the surface is Healthcare Reform. I’ve dubbed this the “Political oil spill atop the ocean of eternal policy.” It’s going to take a heck of a lot of Dawn to clean up after this one! Yes, I along with a large portion of Americans agree that something has to be done about Healthcare, but I also think that rushing through some pork-filled bill isn’t the answer. Watching President Clinton devour a roast pig is enough pork-filled Bill for me. (GET IT?) For unnecessary and unwanted expediency in trying to pass this Healthcare bill, the Administration gets 9 out of 10 Big Gulps, and an 8 hour ride from St. George to Los Angeles with no bathroom breaks.
I do believe that Obama believes that everything he’s doing is great for the nation. I also believe that he’s a bit naïve, and maybe we’ve all elected someone who really doesn’t have the experience to run a country. Please let me remind you once more, that I too was taken in by that giant smile and Despereaux ears, so don’t peg me as an Obama-hater.
If you want to hear Mr. Prezzypants’s side of the story, check out www.whitehouse.gov/realitycheck. This website gives you the skinny on all the Healthcare issues. Oh, and if you get any “fishy” emails about Healthcare, you should send it to flag@whitehouse.gov. By the way, for wanting regular citizens to report on things they hear or read, (and consequently get their email forever stored in a White House database) the Democrats in the House have to wear turtlenecks and spend a day in the desert taking care of St. George‘s endangered tortoises.
Obama and his entourage’s ambition: non-slapable. The oh-so-scary outcome of all their projects: EXTREMELY SLAPABLE!
It wasn’t long after he kicked L’il Bush out of the Oval Office that I noticed he spent a lot of time on T.V. I’ve often wondered if Mr. O should have been a sitcom star rather than a President. He obviously loves the camera, and indeed, the camera loves him. I can almost hear the journalists blowing him little kisses and passing him notes reading: “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” One has to ask; How does a President get things done when he’s spending all of his time reading teleprompters to a swarm of swooning reporters? For his lack of tact in these tough times, our Commander in Chief gets 4 out of 5 toes run over by my big wheel.
Now it’s true that this He-Man from Hawaii ran a very successful campaign on “change,” and it’s more than obvious that he’s going the distance to make sure that “change” will definitely happen. While I find it a bit over-zealous, It never hurts to have someone who can juggle 19 or 20 projects at once. For his ability, or rather, his attempt to succeed in a plethora of projects, our Chief gets a Hail and a $20 gift certificate to the Zion Factory stores. Have fun spending it, Pres! (He’s already proved that spending is something he does very well.)
As for the aforementioned campaign, I was under the assumption that once a President is elected into office, his campaign is over. I can hardly believe what a dunderhead I am, because I was severely mistaken. Is it just me, or did Obama’s campaign kick into over drive after he got the keys to White House front door? Suddenly it seems like old prezzy-poo has got to sell us on all these plans to overhaul the nation, and it’s apparent he’s given himself a 1 year deadline.
Now, if my memory serves me correctly, (which it does almost half of the time) I believe Barack wants to close Guantanamo Bay, fix the mortgage crisis, end the recession, bail-out the nation’s banks and the car companies, convince the world we’re not evil, give the folks some cash for their clunkers, stimulate the economy, bow to the King of Saudi-Arabia but not Queen of England, throw out opening pitches at baseball games, shoot some hoops with his Secret Service homies, help Sasha and Malia with their science projects, and train the family dog, Bo. And that’s just a week’s schedule.
Of his national to-do list, the issue that seems to stay on the surface is Healthcare Reform. I’ve dubbed this the “Political oil spill atop the ocean of eternal policy.” It’s going to take a heck of a lot of Dawn to clean up after this one! Yes, I along with a large portion of Americans agree that something has to be done about Healthcare, but I also think that rushing through some pork-filled bill isn’t the answer. Watching President Clinton devour a roast pig is enough pork-filled Bill for me. (GET IT?) For unnecessary and unwanted expediency in trying to pass this Healthcare bill, the Administration gets 9 out of 10 Big Gulps, and an 8 hour ride from St. George to Los Angeles with no bathroom breaks.
I do believe that Obama believes that everything he’s doing is great for the nation. I also believe that he’s a bit naïve, and maybe we’ve all elected someone who really doesn’t have the experience to run a country. Please let me remind you once more, that I too was taken in by that giant smile and Despereaux ears, so don’t peg me as an Obama-hater.
If you want to hear Mr. Prezzypants’s side of the story, check out www.whitehouse.gov/realitycheck. This website gives you the skinny on all the Healthcare issues. Oh, and if you get any “fishy” emails about Healthcare, you should send it to flag@whitehouse.gov. By the way, for wanting regular citizens to report on things they hear or read, (and consequently get their email forever stored in a White House database) the Democrats in the House have to wear turtlenecks and spend a day in the desert taking care of St. George‘s endangered tortoises.
Obama and his entourage’s ambition: non-slapable. The oh-so-scary outcome of all their projects: EXTREMELY SLAPABLE!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The President Is Buying Me A New Car!
You’ve got to give it to the new Administration, because they seem to be taking on everything at once! They give a new meaning to the word “multi-tasking.” I find myself completely lost when I try to check my mph while driving. (Consider that a small warning if you see me on the road.)
From stimulus packages, to healthcare reform, Obama and his posse are a group of busy peeps. So I have to give them a slick low-five and eight out of ten fist bumps for their efforts to make “change.” However, I think I have to give them all two slaps and a noogie for maybe taking on too much at one time. We shall see how it all plays out.
From stimulus packages, to healthcare reform, Obama and his posse are a group of busy peeps. So I have to give them a slick low-five and eight out of ten fist bumps for their efforts to make “change.” However, I think I have to give them all two slaps and a noogie for maybe taking on too much at one time. We shall see how it all plays out.
The topic I’d like to cover on all of this “change” is the Cash for Clunkers program. Last week the government agreed to put another 2 Billion dollars into this clever endeavor. (You like that rhyme? Go ahead and use it… it’ll make you popular, like me.)
Who doesn’t want a new car? I know I do! The plan is to give you $4,500 towards a new car that gets better gas mileage than your current ride. I’m just summing it up, because in reality there are lots of stipulations and rules that I can’t get into right now. (Mainly because it takes a smart person to figure all of that out… and I’m not smart enough to understand all the guidelines to qualify for your 4500 bucks.) You can read all the details at http://www.cashforclunkersfacts.com/. If you can make sense of it all, you get a coupon for a free car wash and I’ll carry your books for a day.
There are, like any good government program, (is than an oxymoron?) some flaws. First of all, they aren’t selling the used cars, some of which are pretty new, to people who could use them! No, no, that would be too horrible for the environment. No, instead they’re crushing the cars up, and sending them to China. My personal theory on that is because there are so many cars in China right now, that in order for them all to fit on the road, they need to be crushed. It’s just a theory.
I also heard a very valid point on a talk radio show the other day. (Yes, listening to talk radio is another secret of my massive popularity.) The cars that have been turned in could be donated to non-profit organizations who need transportation, but can’t afford a dope ride at the moment. So for not looking at better alternatives to scrapping the clunkers, I’m going to have to toilet paper the White House right before a rainstorm.
Con number two is that one of the main goals of this little exercise was to stimulate the economy and get American-made cars sold again. That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? Well, too bad considering that the bulk of the cars being bought through the Cash For Clunkers deal are Toyotas and Hondas! I’m sorry Mr. Obama, but your Administration gets three wedgies and a denial to be my Facebook friend for missing your mark on that one!
Lastly, if you’ve had the opportunity to price these new cars with better gas mileage, (which I do daily when I watch “The Price Is Right”) then you’ll notice they cost a lot more than $4,500. So unless you’re rich enough to afford a pricy Prius with a small discount, then you’re pretty much stuck with your old clunker. (That happens to be the sticky barrel of syrup that I’m currently in.) And for that, the folks on Capitol Hill get four out of five kidney punches, and a day of smelling dog poop and not knowing where it’s coming from.
The idea of Cash for Clunkers? Non-slapable. The execution of said project? Slapable.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Disagree? You're a NAZI!
I was sitting at home the other day, watching the “unruly mobs” of people at these town hall meetings. These folks were shouting and yelling at the senators, and I could see how Nancy Pelosi would want to say that these people were “plants,” because if it were me being yelled at, I certainly wouldn’t want to admit that the person was actually that angry.
Miss Pelosi made a little comment though, that got my panties in a twist. She mentioned something about people showing swastikas? Yes, because exercising your freedom of speech always warrants being called a Nazi. I wonder what people would think if I goose-stepped everywhere I went today? I’m going to try it.
After all the town hall shenanigans, Barack Obama began defending his health care plan. I felt absolutely livid. I recently went and had my drivers license renewed, and the process took two and a half hours, just for me to pay the fee! Thinking about government run health care started to make me feel woozy.
As the left side of my body went numb, I started to panic because I am already on government health care! Actually, since I make pretty much nothing have no health insurance of my own, I do enjoy the benefits of Medicaid. So I had to start re-evaluating my point of view.
Whenever I need a prescription filled, Medicaid is there for me. A couple of years ago, I had to start a mild chemo-therapy treatment. It started out intravenously, which was SUPER FUN! (Oh, does my sarcasm translate through print?) But luckily for me, after a while I was switched to pills, (which cost only 3 dollars through Medicaid) and I have been taking those pills ever since.
Now, I’m telling a Medicaid story, not a Medicare story, so you don’t have to worry about some geriatric rant. I’m not going to go off about what I got in the mail today, or what happened on the Price is Right. Wow, I can’t believe how far off-subject I just got. Anyway.
So last month, I failed to fill out some paperwork, and was denied Medicaid. No biggie, right? I’ll just have to pay the full price for the chemo pills. I called up the pharmacy and asked how much my meds would be without government help. Well, for a month supply it was only 2,400 BUCKS! I had Medicaid on the phone that day and was quick to renew my subscription.
I think I’d be happier to accept universal healthcare if I didn’t have to look at some of the faces running our government right now. Nancy, who’s expression always looks like someone shoved a thistle up her rectum, Harry Reed who seems to have never had enough sleep, and Barney Frank… oh my goodness, Barney is a whole other column.
Well, as Mr. Frank would say, “Thankth fouah weeding my bwog!”
Miss Pelosi made a little comment though, that got my panties in a twist. She mentioned something about people showing swastikas? Yes, because exercising your freedom of speech always warrants being called a Nazi. I wonder what people would think if I goose-stepped everywhere I went today? I’m going to try it.
After all the town hall shenanigans, Barack Obama began defending his health care plan. I felt absolutely livid. I recently went and had my drivers license renewed, and the process took two and a half hours, just for me to pay the fee! Thinking about government run health care started to make me feel woozy.
As the left side of my body went numb, I started to panic because I am already on government health care! Actually, since I make pretty much nothing have no health insurance of my own, I do enjoy the benefits of Medicaid. So I had to start re-evaluating my point of view.
Whenever I need a prescription filled, Medicaid is there for me. A couple of years ago, I had to start a mild chemo-therapy treatment. It started out intravenously, which was SUPER FUN! (Oh, does my sarcasm translate through print?) But luckily for me, after a while I was switched to pills, (which cost only 3 dollars through Medicaid) and I have been taking those pills ever since.
Now, I’m telling a Medicaid story, not a Medicare story, so you don’t have to worry about some geriatric rant. I’m not going to go off about what I got in the mail today, or what happened on the Price is Right. Wow, I can’t believe how far off-subject I just got. Anyway.
So last month, I failed to fill out some paperwork, and was denied Medicaid. No biggie, right? I’ll just have to pay the full price for the chemo pills. I called up the pharmacy and asked how much my meds would be without government help. Well, for a month supply it was only 2,400 BUCKS! I had Medicaid on the phone that day and was quick to renew my subscription.
I think I’d be happier to accept universal healthcare if I didn’t have to look at some of the faces running our government right now. Nancy, who’s expression always looks like someone shoved a thistle up her rectum, Harry Reed who seems to have never had enough sleep, and Barney Frank… oh my goodness, Barney is a whole other column.
Well, as Mr. Frank would say, “Thankth fouah weeding my bwog!”
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