The Points System

My last two Skewed Reviews have been politically based, and although I can’t seem to take anything seriously, I think I managed to come across as serious the last couple times. THEREFORE, I hereby announce that this review will be pure FLUFF.

I was sitting at a stoplight the other morning, waiting for it to turn green. As I sat pondering what my next Somewhat Skewed Review would be about, the car behind me honked loudly. I looked up to see if the light had turned, and realized that I was at a stop light, but rather a stop sign. This brings me to the introduction of “Do-deedo Points.”

I can hardly give myself four out of five wedgies and a slap or two, but I can add up the “Points” and eventually win a prize. I think that of everyone I award “Do-Deedo Points” to this year will be in the race for a trip to Lagoon after a breakfast of seven bran muffins and a quart of prune juice. Oh, and no Immodium A.D. allowed.

So sitting at a stop sign waiting for it turn green gets eight points.

I’m going to be keeping my eye out for fellow students who deserve these points. You’d better start memorizing my face from my picture, because I’m going to be on the lookout. I am dedicating my column to a humorous spin on things we often take seriously, but every few weeks, I’m going to take on the humorous things that simply need to be spotlighted. Of course, I’ll always start with myself.

Onto another story concerning yours truly that happened just the other morning. I like to get up before the sun rises, and run a few miles around Pine Valley with my black lab, Scout. On this particular morning, I made my way up to the park reservoir, and as I went to cross the dam, I noticed there was an animal sitting about 30 feet from me.

I don’t like to freely admit that I’m a pussy, but I will elude to that fact. One of the reasons Scout accompanies me on my morning runs, is not for her exercise, but for my protection. Those mountain fawns can be vicious. Scout can always be trusted to alert me with a loud bark whenever some hoodlum Bambi gets in my vicinity.

But that morning, she didn’t bark. She didn’t even CARE that there was an animal sitting between us and the road back home! I let her off her leash, and said, “GO GET ‘EM!” She looked up at me, looked around, and trotted down to the water. If I had a gun handy, the safety would be off.

I turned off my iPod and slowly reached into my sweater pocket for the flashlight I carry for just such an occasion. With an uncanny stealth that would put a dump truck to shame, I fumbled and dropped the flashlight, scurried to pick it up, and managed to get it lit after a few failed attempts.

Since I nearly wet myself, I was a little disappointed to see that this whole commotion was over a trash can. Since I had let Scout off her leash, she had wandered off to some unknown place in the woods, and now I REALLY was alone. Can you picture me standing there in the dark, loudly whispering, “Scout? SCOUT?”

If you hadn’t already guessed, I made it out of the woods alive that day. But there were 22 “Do-Deedo Points” to be had that day, which brings my grand total to 30 points.

Don’t worry, I can already guarantee that there will be those of you who catch up to me. I’m waiting with baited breath for you guys who accidentally go into the ladies’ restroom and people who cross to the NIB while the “DON’T WALK” sign is on! Good luck, everyone!