BEING SICK SUCKS!

This will appear in the Wednesday issue of the Dixie Sun.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Cliché, I know, but that saying is so appropriate. Last week I was hit with the flu, and it was far from fun. I don’t need to remind any of you who’ve had the flu about the time spent in the bathroom, the body temperature fluctuations, and the gallons and gallons of snot and mucus. Sorry, I hope nobody is eating while reading this review.

Whoever gave me the flu gets 35 out of 40 nose hairs plucked from his or her nostrils one at a time, very, very slowly. This person also gets 10 of those hairs stuck on his or her tongue, all day, with no way of removing them.

Furthermore, students who come to school sick get eight out of 10 days of publicly having “potty problems” in their pants. What sort of nincompoops wake up in the morning with their eyes crusted over and a nose completely full of snot and say to themselves: “I’m going to be like the Democrats. I’m going to re-distribute my sickness?”

Don’t think you are being a martyr by “sucking it up” and coming to school while under the inFLUence. Have a little common courtesy and spare the rest of us from your problematic germs.

It’s super easy to e-mail or call your professors and let them in on your situation. I’ll bet you $2 your professor’s e-mail address and phone number are on page one of your syllabus. If your teachers protest, kindly remind them that the president of the United States said to stay home if you think you are getting the flu. Now who would want to go against what his royal highness suggests? Wouldn’t that be treason?

Don’t think that I haven’t considered the porcine factor, either. Believe me, yesterday I asked myself, “What if it’s swine flu?” The pigs that started this whole H1N1 virus get five out of five donkey punches.

Since I had to go to the doctor to make sure I wasn't dying, it got me thinking about the bigger picture. If this whole health care fiasco continues on it's current track, I might be doomed if I get sick in the future.

What if this health care bill passes? What will happen then? I will admit that I am benefiting from Medicaid right now, and without it I would be lost. This new bill the members of Congress are proposing basically says that every citizen will be required to buy health insurance. If citizens don't purchase insurance, they will be “taxed,” or rather fined.

If I can’t afford to buy this insurance, I will get fined an amount I most likely will not be able to pay. So will I end up sick and in jail? That won’t be any fun at all. I would imagine the flu would just get continuously passed around from inmate to inmate. The sickness would be eternal.
Since I missed school last Wednesday, I had a whole day to sit around and think about my bad health and what could happen to me in the future if our nation keeps going in this direction.
Congress, by the way, gets one straight month of having to attend sessions in speedos and bikinis, with extra press coverage. If you’ve seen any of the representatives on Capitol Hill, you’ll know this wouldn’t be pleasant. (Perhaps that would be too much of a punishment for the public, though-something to think about.)

If you are sick, sneezing, coughing, puking, pooping too much, getting hot, getting cold, or just plain don’t feel healthy, for heaven’s sake stay home please. If I find the person who got me sick, the smackdown will be epic.