HE WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE???

I couldn't ignore B-rock's new prize... I had to write about it in the Sun!

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Could life get any better for me? Just when I think our prezzy-dent might stop dishing out the good material, the folks in Norway decide to give little old me something fantastic to write about.
As I’m sure you all know, Barack Hussein is the third sitting president of the United States of Denial to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. If you weren’t aware of this fact, let me get you up to speed. Woodrow Wilson who founded the “League of Nations,” and Theodore Roosevelt who drew up a peace treaty between Russia and Japan were both in office when the letter exclaiming “YOU ARE A WINNER” showed up in the White House mailbox. I’ll let you the reader do the research if you want to know more about these two and their prizes. I need to get back to my favorite subject: B.O.

Now I’m not saying that B-Rock isn’t worthy of this award, nor that he is incapable of doing what it takes to receive such an award. I guess I’m just asking the question, should the award be given for something a person has done, or something a person is planning to do?

Of course, this is all at the discretion of the folks who bestow this title upon people. But through the reasoning of the committee of five that decides who the winner is, I could say that I am seriously in the process of writing the best book in the HISTORY of literature, and therefore the Nobel Prize for Literature should go to me.

I think there might be a snowball effect after the Al Gore fest. Gory-boy got his award for his "efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change." (That is according to Nobelprize.org, the official website of said prize) In other words, Ally-G got a prize for pretty much telling us the world is getting warmer, but not for actually fixing that problem.
Alright, with those guidelines in place, I would like to nominate myself for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize, because I full-on plan to unite the Jewish and Muslim communities. Under my plan, these two groups of people will live in a world of rainbows and apple-dumplings, they’ll hold hands while they skip down the yellow brick road, and did I mention I’m going to re-pave all of Israel’s roads in yellow brick?

I will join the entire Middle-east together into one nation, and it shall be called Lollipopistan. Roadside bombs will no longer be weapons of fatal destruction, but will instead surprise passers-by with bursts of streamers and candy. Our brave fighting men and women will only have to fight for one thing: front row tickets to the best comedy duo-act the world has ever seen. Mr. Al “Kidda’” and miss “Tally Banter” will perform every night to sold-out audiences.

The worst thing that will ever happen in my middle-east will be the occasional Skewed Review about camel spit or perhaps some dry baklava.

But I would like to welcome everyone back to reality. Making goals and achieving goals are two completely separate things.

Yes, Barack Obama has goals that are bigger than Kanye West’s ego, but a goal really is nothing if not for its outcome. A wise man once said, “You can hope in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one fills up faster.”

I would like to award our administration with four out of five mini Nobel Prizes, or as I like to call them: Noblettes. I say that for every lofty goal announced by our grand leader another Noblette should be awarded. Once every goal is completed the Noblettes can be traded in for the actual thing.

The Nobel Peace Prize committee, by the way, gets one week of severe itching in places that aren’t socially acceptable to scratch in public. Their standards have been dropping since Albert got the nod.

On a more serious note, I would like to put out a formal call to every student who happens to read my extraordinarily wonderful weekly column. I know there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of you who are capable of winning the Peace Prize. Whatever you’re studying, whatever path you choose to take in life, make sure to not give just 110 percent. Give a percentage that’s unable to be measured. Give the Nobel Peace Prize committee some new and better options, or else we might see a future where Peace Prizes are awarded to those with super-rockstar status, and not for people who actually accomplish noteworthy humanitarian accomplishments. I often divvy out negative reviews, but someone on campus PLEASE show me something new, something intuitive, something deserving of the first and best Skewed Review to date: 10 out of 10 tests in the testing center that have only the questions you studied for, so you KNOW all the answers!
　
Alas... I think I am saddened by the future of everything.