My college-issued debit card

The Skewed Review: Higher One is low

Stress: (noun) Anything having to do with Matty’s life, made worse by the song “The Climb,” and the Dixie Higher One card.

I am unsure right now of the Sun’s plans to report on the Dixie One Card, but after the Labor Day weekend, I feel it is my solemn duty to review the hell out of it.

In this super-happy time of rainbows and baby kittens, otherwise known as the United States economic mosh pit, I’ve noticed that the “trickle-down effect” is indeed in play. All of the financial crap that is happening to our country at the highest level is the same crap that’s happening to me! The stupid policies of the Dixie One Card aren’t making any of this easier.
Over the Labor Day holiday weekend I took a trip to Salt Lake to visit my sister and her hubby. I used a small portion of my recent student loan to pay for transportation to and from the City of Salt, as well as sustenance to keep me alive. This, as any student who made the mistake of using their card AT ALL will tell you, was a mistake.

My panties are in such a twist right now.

Somewhere along the way, my account was overdrawn. Were you aware that every time your card goes over the limit, there is a $35 insufficient funds fee? Well, since I bought breakfast, gas, lunch and a snack, (three separate transactions) the money “owed” piled up. Oh, and if the money isn’t paid right away, the debt continues to grow. EVERYONE involved with this whole One Card insanity gets 28 days of the month with the Miley Cyrus song “The Climb” stuck in their heads -- NON-STOP.

I will never admit to being smart when it comes to money. That would be a total lie. But considering that I’m a college student, can’t these mooncalves at Master Card give me a break? For an overdraft totaling about $16, I am now in the red for about $150. On second thought, “The Climb” needs to be stuck in their heads for every day but their birthdays.

How many of you college students can boast perfect spending habits? And if you do exist out there, I don’t want to hear about it because it would only peeve me more. Give us a BREAK Higher One!

I might be in a bad mood because last night I couldn’t get to sleep on account of Miss Cyrus’s song “The Climb” playing over and over in my head. The act of writing this review is only making it worse.

Alright, birthdays included you sadistic One Card demons.

I know that this is my fault. There’s nothing more annoying than someone who blames everyone but themselves. Well, there is one thing more annoying… “The Climb.” But I believe with every spend-happy piece of my soul that the punishment is far too harsh for a struggling college student.

And don’t get me started on the “safeguards” they have in place. If you thought about having the One Card website notify you if you by text message when your account is getting low, think again. You’ll never get the message.

This, in addition to all the other countless hidden fees that come along with this so called “easy way” to access your refund money and student loans makes this Higher One Card far from number one on my list.

I guess I just need to think positive. There’s always going to be another mountain. I’m always going to want to make it move. It’s always going to be an uphill battle, sometimes I’m going to have to lose. That song cannot be escaped.

Miley Cyrus, by the way, gets a week of having socks that keep sliding down into her shoes and underwear that rides up ever time she has to fix her socks for getting up one morning and saying, “Hey, I should write a song that make every stressful moment in Matt Jacobson’s life even worse!”

If you are the unfortunate user of the One Card, my advice to you is this: Transfer any and all funds as far away from the horrors of the card as fast as you can, and then cut it up, burn it, spit on the ashes, bury the remains and dance on the grave. Dixie Higher One: you are an abomination.

R.I.P.