The President Is Buying Me A New Car!

You’ve got to give it to the new Administration, because they seem to be taking on everything at once! They give a new meaning to the word “multi-tasking.” I find myself completely lost when I try to check my mph while driving. (Consider that a small warning if you see me on the road.)
From stimulus packages, to healthcare reform, Obama and his posse are a group of busy peeps. So I have to give them a slick low-five and eight out of ten fist bumps for their efforts to make “change.” However, I think I have to give them all two slaps and a noogie for maybe taking on too much at one time. We shall see how it all plays out.

The topic I’d like to cover on all of this “change” is the Cash for Clunkers program. Last week the government agreed to put another 2 Billion dollars into this clever endeavor. (You like that rhyme? Go ahead and use it… it’ll make you popular, like me.)

Who doesn’t want a new car? I know I do! The plan is to give you $4,500 towards a new car that gets better gas mileage than your current ride. I’m just summing it up, because in reality there are lots of stipulations and rules that I can’t get into right now. (Mainly because it takes a smart person to figure all of that out… and I’m not smart enough to understand all the guidelines to qualify for your 4500 bucks.) You can read all the details at http://www.cashforclunkersfacts.com/. If you can make sense of it all, you get a coupon for a free car wash and I’ll carry your books for a day.

There are, like any good government program, (is than an oxymoron?) some flaws. First of all, they aren’t selling the used cars, some of which are pretty new, to people who could use them! No, no, that would be too horrible for the environment. No, instead they’re crushing the cars up, and sending them to China. My personal theory on that is because there are so many cars in China right now, that in order for them all to fit on the road, they need to be crushed. It’s just a theory.

I also heard a very valid point on a talk radio show the other day. (Yes, listening to talk radio is another secret of my massive popularity.) The cars that have been turned in could be donated to non-profit organizations who need transportation, but can’t afford a dope ride at the moment. So for not looking at better alternatives to scrapping the clunkers, I’m going to have to toilet paper the White House right before a rainstorm.

Con number two is that one of the main goals of this little exercise was to stimulate the economy and get American-made cars sold again. That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? Well, too bad considering that the bulk of the cars being bought through the Cash For Clunkers deal are Toyotas and Hondas! I’m sorry Mr. Obama, but your Administration gets three wedgies and a denial to be my Facebook friend for missing your mark on that one!

Lastly, if you’ve had the opportunity to price these new cars with better gas mileage, (which I do daily when I watch “The Price Is Right”) then you’ll notice they cost a lot more than $4,500. So unless you’re rich enough to afford a pricy Prius with a small discount, then you’re pretty much stuck with your old clunker. (That happens to be the sticky barrel of syrup that I’m currently in.) And for that, the folks on Capitol Hill get four out of five kidney punches, and a day of smelling dog poop and not knowing where it’s coming from.

The idea of Cash for Clunkers? Non-slapable. The execution of said project? Slapable.