Go, Glitter! Go!

Quick! Grab the most effective tool in our gay arsenal and use it to its full extent! Glitter powers, activate!

I hope that wasn't the line that convinced the army of gay activists to start flinging glitter at Republican presidential candidates. Because frankly, nothing pushes a cause backward like furthering a campy gay stereotype that conjures up images of fairies.

The growing trend among gay activists seeking equal treatment is to ambush proponents of anti-gay legislation and chuck glitter in their faces. Yeah. That will totally work.

Those of you who throw tiny pieces of plastic into the eyes of anyone else are rated six out of seven days bathing in glitter instead of soap and water. This poses a problem because glitter tends to stick to oily parts. On the plus side, though, you'll be a walking disco ball (albeit a smelly one)!

Now I wasn't present at the Fantastically Absolute Benevolent Uber Leaders Of Underappreciated Same-sex'rs meeting, but I am a card-carrying member. I think my absence from this year's FABULOUS summit might have ruptured the sane way in which we protest.

Had I been present, I would have objected to this throwing of twinkles, and not just because of the hazard of glitter being next to impossible to shampoo out of hair. No, I'm against it because if small-minded right-wingers who believe gay people shouldn't be afforded the same rights as everyone else don't take us seriously already, then pitching a handful of pixie bits into their faces sure isn't going to get them to start now!

You can tell my level of exasperation increases by the length of my sentences.

Let's recap this little trend which I will be dubbing "Glitter Lobbing Among Masses."

The first GLAM incident occurred on May 17, when Newt Gingrich and his wife-for-now, Callista, were at a book signing in Minneapolis. You can bet your ruby slippers that when the sparkles were chucked, everyone in the room knew exactly why. Because what says "gay rights" better than fairy dust?

I'm sure Gingrich immediately thought to himself: "Oh my goodness! Glitter! I must now be pro-gay rights!"

I really hope sarcasm translates through print. I really do.

The second GLAMcident was on June 16, when glitter was literally dumped on Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty. This little excursion was executed by Code Pink, the female anti-militant militants who are infamous for their stance against war. But apparently this was a protest in favor of gay rights.

These anti-war gals should take a page from PETA's book: Keep working toward your goal, and don't get sidetracked by shiny things! You don't see PETA stopping their crusades against animal rights to protest the mosque in New York City.

Apparently Code Pink got too bored with Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, and decided to add gay rights to their repertoire. Perhaps the group should change their name to Code Pink Triangle. Just a thought.

And the most recent GLAM, GLAM, thank you ma'am came on June 18, when Minnesota congresswoman Michelle Bachmann was accosted sparkleodiously after a conservative speech.

I guess one good thing will come from at least two of these glitterific attacks. Minnesota is going to be a very sparkly state.

But I have some sad and sorry news for the pixie dust-throwing Tinkerbelles. You're not doing us any favors. Seriously. Put the glitter away. You're going to deplete the rations needed for the Peter Pan float in next year's pride parade.

How do you expect anyone to take you seriously when you prance around showering people with rainbow pieces? How does that prove to the right-wingers that your rights as a human being are just as important as theirs? Trust me on this one. You're being annoying. You're not furthering your cause.

If a Republican came up to your door and slapped you across the face with a Bible, would you look at him or her and say: "You're right! I completely agree with you now!"

We need to kill them with kindness, and most importantly, facts. If you want to express your displeasure with marriage laws, start writing letters and organizing real protests to prove how many voters are with you.

If you want show how many children in foster care could be saved by loving parents if laws were changed to allow same-sex couples to adopt, then start doing a little research and present your findings to the politicians who can do something about it.

Show the public that you are not a prancing fairy whose only weapon is a bag full of Rainbow Bright stars. Show them you have knowledge and fortitude. Save your sparkle showers for recreational events.

And do you know what the most important and potent weapon is? Your vote. Tell those elected officials you disagree with that you are a person with a family and many friends who listen to you. You pay taxes and you vote. And if something isn't done to further your rights as a human being, then you will do everything in your power to vote that official out of office.

Tell that public representative that you will write letters, blog, knock on doors, and educate everyone around you. Let that representative know that your goal is to change as many votes as you can in order to get him or her out of that public position.

Just lay off the glitter, please. You might as well be dressed as Dorothy when you perform GLAM in public places. Don't turn us all into one huge stereotype. Save it for Pride.