A bundle of sticks!

Racists and sexists and homophobes—oh my?

We sure must like all of them because we give them tons of power. In fact, I would go as far as to say racists, sexists and homophobes wield more power than politicians, voters, queens (both the Elizabeth and Ru Paul sort), and Wall Street combined.

The reason these people hold so much power is because each category has a simple set of words that drive the public insane. If you new a single word that would drive someone insane, wouldn’t you use it to your benefit if you could?

And we, the easily offended public, are the driving force behind that power.

The Ku Klux Klan’s leader is called a Grand or Imperial Wizard. It’s a rush to judgment to assume they’re named this because of their little pointy hats. I’m convinced they decided on that title because they realized they’re magic.

Don’t believe me? Well look at the power words like “coon,” “spook” and “tar baby” hold. And let’s not forget about the dreaded “N-word.” That word is the most powerful of all. In fact I feel like I’m in a “Harry Potter” story. The word is so powerful that I’m not allowed to write it or say it—even to tell you how stupid it is.

I guess it’s just the word that shall not be named.

You’d better believe when someone says one of those words, that person gets lots of attention. Look at former Utah senator Chris Buttars, for instance.

A few years ago a bill that would make it easier for professionals to become teachers went to the Utah senate floor for a vote. Buttars argued SB 48 was no good and said: “…this baby is black … it’s a dark and ugly thing.”

If you follow local news you would have noticed the backlash against Buttary Boy. You wouldn’t have read two sentences on the volunteers at the local soup kitchen, and you wouldn’t have seen 30 seconds of airtime given to the animal rescue shelter, but you’d have Buttared Toast shoved down your throat at least once every news cast.

Do you see the power? Can you feel it? Where does it come from? It certainly wasn’t bestowed upon His Royal Pastiness, Chris Buttars, from on high. It didn’t come from Greyskull. It came from us, the public.

And do you know what gives those words even more power? When people of certain shade of skin deem it OK to use amongst themselves only. This means when a person of a different color uses it, it’s almost as if that person sneaked into the pits of Mordor and plucked the ring right from beneath Sauron.

Am I saying it’s OK to use the word? No. What I’m saying is when you hear someone else use the word then you need to stop giving that person all your attention.

Let’s move on to the sexists.

Sexism is dead, really. Both women and men have the same opportunities in life. Both can vote, both can become president, and both can play professional basketball.

But every once in a while you’ll hear someone utter the dreaded C-word. Just the thought of it made you shudder, didn’t it? See my previous advice for the dreaded N-word.

Now onto the thing that’s plagued me: the ever-so-hilarious F-word. No, I’m not talking about the synonym for copulation. I’m talking about the word that means a bundle of sticks, or a lit cigarette if you’re from England.

I’ve been called that word since I was in middle school. Yes, it hurt and offended me when I was younger. But as I became comfortable with myself, I decided to stop giving that word so much power. Some people would say they claim the word as their own. I say, “pisshaw.”

That word is not mine. It doesn’t accurately describe me because I’m not a bundle of sticks. When someone calls me that word I simply think: “Oh, you silly person. Where did you get your education? I’m not a cigarette!”

And I always find it amusing when someone says, “That’s gay,” and then immediately apologize to me.

Why would it offend me? The word “gay” has many meanings beyond the most obvious. In the past it’s meant “happy,” and today, in addition to meaning “homosexual,” it also means “stupid.”

We can all talk the talk when it comes to ourselves, but when it comes to family members we may be a little more protective.

My youngest brother Colin has the most severe case of Autism a person can have. He doesn’t speak, and he’s disconnected from the world we all know. He’s not savant in any regard. He doesn’t play piano or do art or math or anything extraordinary.

My brother is who he is, and nobody can change that. Not even the person who uses the word “retarded.”

So why should I get upset? If I hear some 18-year-old girl say, “that’s retarded,” would it make my brother all better if I jumped up and screamed foul? Would it suddenly cure Autism if I scolded that girl and called her an insensitive little beast? Would I suddenly take on godlike powers and be able to heal all the afflicted people in the world if I called that girl out on her so-called slur?

Probably not.

I’m past the point of letting stupid words like “faggot” and “retarded” hurt me. I’m stronger than that. I don’t let a word define me. So why should you? Why should you let the N-word or the C-word define you? Why should you let someone else define you by using those words?

I have only one Skewed Review for this article, and I’ve been saving it for the very end. For those of you who get so offended by these stupid four, six and eight letter words, I need to rate you with something important to do for the rest of your lives.

I can only assume you have nothing better to worry about if you get offended by some uneducated yokel whose vocabulary is so limited that it’s only full of one-syllable slurs.

I pose we give some different words power: friend, love, joy and peace. Those should be easy for any yokel. And if you’re up for a challenge, you can try words like happiness, together and laughter.

Next time you see me, I want you to call my column gay, and I want you to call me a faggot, and I want you to call my little brother retarded. I’m not going to give those words power. They’re only words.