Winter Grooming Habits

Here's another uninspired and bland article that I tried to make interesting for the Dixie Sun.

The birds fly south, the Superbowl draws nearer, the weather changes, and so do the grooming habits of some, if not all, students.

While grooming can have many definitions varying from makeup to hairstyles, the one definition that seems to repeat itself is shaving.

“I totally stop shaving [in the winter],” said Jalee Scott, a junior integrated studies major from St. George. “I need the insulation.”

While sub-zero temperatures aren’t always a major concern here in southern Utah, apparel can be. Senior dental hygiene major Nicole Strawn from Logan said she shaves less because of her attire. She said every other day is the day for shaving in the summer, but limits shaving to Fridays and Sundays in the winter time.

Whether it’s legs or faces, having more hair seems to be the trend in the colder months. Conner Sowles, a freshman business major from Spokane, Wash., said he shaves more in the summer.
Sometimes, it’s just the thought of shaving that changes in the winter. Marcus Stucki, a junior biology major from St. George said when winter comes around he wouldn’t shave because it would probably keep his face warmer. Stucki works as an ice cream taster at the Blue Bunny factory, so he is required to stay clean shaven year round.

Although a majority of students tend to focus less on the hair they are growing, there is still a small percentile that consider it to be important.

“If I don’t [shave], I just feel gross,” said Jessica Smith, a senior dental hygiene major from Beaver.

Strawn, who dyes her hair, said winter is the time to go darker and shorter. Sometimes she likes to wear a beanie when it’s cold, and shorter hair is easier to style after removing a beanie. She cuts her hair every fall for this purpose.

Sowles does the opposite. He lets his hair grow during the colder months and keeps it shorter during the summer.

Smith, who is also a hairdresser, notices that people often grow their hair out after fall.
The female students both agreed that when it comes to makeup, the shades usually go darker and the applications a little thicker.

“[Putting on makeup] depends on how tired I am in the morning,” Strawn said, "And if my face is breaking out."

Clothes, like makeup, tend to go darker as well. All four students agreed that the clothes they wear go darker in shade than in the summer months.

“It depends on how I feel that day,” said Stucki. “Bright colors are always fun, but dark colors win out because that’s the fashion.”

Sometimes, it’s just about that certain accessory that can’t be worn when it’s hot.
“I have a pea coat I just love to wear because it’s awesome and warm,” said Stucki.

For the DSC guys, there are numerous internet sites dedicated to the male grooming habits.

Hair inspired by the TV drama "Mad Men" is growing in popularity, according to www.askmen.com. This look is achieved by rubbing pomade between your hands and then through your hair. Finish by parting your hair on either side, or comb it straight back.

A change of scent is very appropriate according to askmen.com.

“…Think about shifting your fragrance from light, citrus scents to deeper, woodsier notes,” said Diana Schmidtke of askmen.com. She also suggests that men keep the fragrance to a minimum.

“A little goes a long way in terms of scent. You want girls to get in close to smell you, not be hit with your fragrance from across town.”

These and many other in-depth ideas about winter grooming for men can be found at http://www.askmen.com/scent/scent_300/331_grooming-trends-for-fall-winter.html.

Gals might want to check out www.elle.com for ideas on grooming and fashion for the fall and winter. According to http://www.elle.com/Fashion/Style-Tips, an “androgynous” style is in for winter.

An article at http://www.beautyden.com suggests purchasing a leave-in conditioner to battle cold weather hair problems.

And if a girl needs advice on how to change up her winter scent, she should check out http://girliegossip.com. The latest fragrances by Victoria Beckham, Gucci and Prada are some of the suggested scents according to http://girliegossip.com/our-top-5-winter-perfumes-for-women.
　

Disruptive Students are Pooie

College: The only place where people spend thousands of dollars to get an education, and then spend their time trying to weasel out of it.

I can’t say I’m entirely innocent when it comes to dodging certain assignments I don’t particularly like, but there comes a point when students go a bit too far.

The annoyance is overwhelming! I have a class that meets only once a week, so our class time is very precious. We are a class of lively debaters, and our professor encourages us to do so. Last week, however, the “debate” got a little off-topic and out of control.

The image that is constantly popping up in my mind is that of Dorothy surrounded by bubbling, chattering munchkins in the Wizard of Oz. Our class was so close to that it wasn’t even remotely funny. I was just waiting for our professor to disappear in a frustrated pillar of black smoke. The class would not shut up.

I think the part that is bothering me the most, is that I felt as if I was one of the few who was paying attention. I was listening and trying to get the gist of everything we were talking about. There was a specific group that continued to shout down the students who were called upon to speak.

The fact that my professor may think I was a part of that group is sickening to me. I had to suppress some serious urges to jump up and yell, “Teacher! Teacher! It wasn’t me! I‘m a good student!”

The truly sad part is the majority of the class probably felt the same way I did. When our professor cut the class short almost an hour early because of that one group of kids, I could almost read the thoughts of my fellow classmates: “Why are we being punished for those (expletive) jerks?”

To those of you who are really responsible for interrupting classes, especially mine, you are hereby awarded 5 out of 10 hours in class sitting next to someone who has serious body odor problems, a bad case of diarrhea, and absolutely no body control. You also get the other 5 out of 10 hours being the person with the B.O., the squirts, and the dirty pants.

I apologize for being so graphic, but maybe that will get the point across.

Are these people paying for their own educations? I think I need to start taking names because my guess is either they’re learning is funded by the government, or their parents. In either case, someone needs to be notified.

Seriously, grade school was fun and all, but I think we can all agree that we’re beyond all that. Don’t get me wrong, I really miss the finger-painting and playing tag, but if that’s something you really need to get out of your system, maybe you should do it outside of the college classroom.
Students, start thinking about the crucial information you might be missing because you‘re paying attention to things like “Jack’s dorm totally smells like sardines,” or “I hope it’s not infectious.” Yeah, both topics are probably really important, but are they important enough to sacrifice your tuition on a bad grade? Especially since it’s too late to drop classes?

I wish I had the money to take every class on my schedule twice. First time around, I can just bull-poop around, chit chat about whats-her-name who wears the sluttiest clothes, come in late, leave early, ignore the content of the class, and just generally have a good time. I, however, have an obligation not only to myself, but to my investors.

I know it seems far fetched that there are those who would dump money into an opinionated polymath such as myself, but it’s true. I have received funds from the state, a loan from a private bank, and help along the way from none other than my family. If I don’t pull in sufficient grades, I can pretty much guarantee loss of funding from the state and my family. And as for my loan, it would be pretty tough to pay it off if I can’t get a degree because I don’t pay attention in class.

And if you still don’t care about your own education, please consider the education of those around you. I am still so ticked off almost a week later because a group of students cost me an hour of class time!

I’m madder than Al Gore standing outside a Hummer factory.

I’m madder than Barack Obama at Fox News.

I’m madder than a True Rebel looking at a Red Storm mascot!
　
　

HE WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE???

I couldn't ignore B-rock's new prize... I had to write about it in the Sun!

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Could life get any better for me? Just when I think our prezzy-dent might stop dishing out the good material, the folks in Norway decide to give little old me something fantastic to write about.
As I’m sure you all know, Barack Hussein is the third sitting president of the United States of Denial to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. If you weren’t aware of this fact, let me get you up to speed. Woodrow Wilson who founded the “League of Nations,” and Theodore Roosevelt who drew up a peace treaty between Russia and Japan were both in office when the letter exclaiming “YOU ARE A WINNER” showed up in the White House mailbox. I’ll let you the reader do the research if you want to know more about these two and their prizes. I need to get back to my favorite subject: B.O.

Now I’m not saying that B-Rock isn’t worthy of this award, nor that he is incapable of doing what it takes to receive such an award. I guess I’m just asking the question, should the award be given for something a person has done, or something a person is planning to do?

Of course, this is all at the discretion of the folks who bestow this title upon people. But through the reasoning of the committee of five that decides who the winner is, I could say that I am seriously in the process of writing the best book in the HISTORY of literature, and therefore the Nobel Prize for Literature should go to me.

I think there might be a snowball effect after the Al Gore fest. Gory-boy got his award for his "efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change." (That is according to Nobelprize.org, the official website of said prize) In other words, Ally-G got a prize for pretty much telling us the world is getting warmer, but not for actually fixing that problem.
Alright, with those guidelines in place, I would like to nominate myself for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize, because I full-on plan to unite the Jewish and Muslim communities. Under my plan, these two groups of people will live in a world of rainbows and apple-dumplings, they’ll hold hands while they skip down the yellow brick road, and did I mention I’m going to re-pave all of Israel’s roads in yellow brick?

I will join the entire Middle-east together into one nation, and it shall be called Lollipopistan. Roadside bombs will no longer be weapons of fatal destruction, but will instead surprise passers-by with bursts of streamers and candy. Our brave fighting men and women will only have to fight for one thing: front row tickets to the best comedy duo-act the world has ever seen. Mr. Al “Kidda’” and miss “Tally Banter” will perform every night to sold-out audiences.

The worst thing that will ever happen in my middle-east will be the occasional Skewed Review about camel spit or perhaps some dry baklava.

But I would like to welcome everyone back to reality. Making goals and achieving goals are two completely separate things.

Yes, Barack Obama has goals that are bigger than Kanye West’s ego, but a goal really is nothing if not for its outcome. A wise man once said, “You can hope in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one fills up faster.”

I would like to award our administration with four out of five mini Nobel Prizes, or as I like to call them: Noblettes. I say that for every lofty goal announced by our grand leader another Noblette should be awarded. Once every goal is completed the Noblettes can be traded in for the actual thing.

The Nobel Peace Prize committee, by the way, gets one week of severe itching in places that aren’t socially acceptable to scratch in public. Their standards have been dropping since Albert got the nod.

On a more serious note, I would like to put out a formal call to every student who happens to read my extraordinarily wonderful weekly column. I know there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of you who are capable of winning the Peace Prize. Whatever you’re studying, whatever path you choose to take in life, make sure to not give just 110 percent. Give a percentage that’s unable to be measured. Give the Nobel Peace Prize committee some new and better options, or else we might see a future where Peace Prizes are awarded to those with super-rockstar status, and not for people who actually accomplish noteworthy humanitarian accomplishments. I often divvy out negative reviews, but someone on campus PLEASE show me something new, something intuitive, something deserving of the first and best Skewed Review to date: 10 out of 10 tests in the testing center that have only the questions you studied for, so you KNOW all the answers!
　
Alas... I think I am saddened by the future of everything.

Almost, Maine

This is a review I did for the Dixie State College Theater's production of Almost, Maine. This will run in the next issue of the DSC Sun.

Almost, Maine gives a different spin on phrases like “I fell for you,” “the other shoe dropped,” and “I lost a lot of hope.”

These are just a few examples of from John Cariani’s Almost, Maine, which premiered on the black box stage in the Eccles Fine Arts building on October 1st.

Whatever it was I was expecting wasn’t what I got. The show is mostly a comedy, but it’s also a drama as well as a love story. In fact, it’s nine stories that take place at the exact same time in a little place in Maine that was “almost” a town. Like the town, the realism of the events that happen there is “almost.” The show is just outside the realm of believability.

This vision was realized and executed by Varlo Davenport, director, and an all-student production team.

Davenport said, “This was an opportunity for acting students to get a lot of varied experience.” He said that everything was student designed, from the scenery to the costumes. The musical interludes were composed by the head of the costume shop, Andrea Davenport.

The cast had an obviously grand time putting this show together. I dropped by the make-up room backstage at the Eccles to try and pry a few quotes from the cast members. While I’m sure they took the show seriously, I don’t think they took my questions seriously.

“Doing this show was like sniffing crushed-up candy hearts,” Hannah Davenport said.
I can only assume she meant the entire experience was like an intense sugar rush.

Crystal Bates said, “I’ve learned many a ninja move.”

These are just a couple examples of the atmosphere in the dressing room.

Curtain time was coming, so I took my seat. The Black Box theater was decked out to be a winter woodland scene. I was impressed with the backdrop that surrounded the audience. It made me feel as if I was in a twilit wood in the middle of December. The temperature in the theater was sub-zero, and added to the effect.

I found out later the reason for the blasting AC was because the actors are always dressed in full-winter attire, and Davenport said that it’s going to be a matter of finding the perfect setting where the audience and the cast are both comfortable.

It took me the entire show to get the very first scene. Let me help out those of you who go to see the show. Sitting next to someone is the furthest away from them you can possibly be, IF you are measuring the distance around the world to each other.

The show was entertaining, but to me it felt as if the writer threw together nine short scenes and called it a play. When I see I play I often try to identify with a character and end up rooting for them throughout the story. In these nine short scenes, by the time I found the character I wanted to identify with, the scene was over.

I must commend the performances of Kristina Kessler, sophomore theater arts major from St. George, as Glory, Joel Thomas, senior theater arts major from Washington, as Chad, Hannah Davenport, integrated studies major from St. George as both Marvalyn and Rhonda, Crystal Bates, junior theater arts major from St. George as Gayle and Guy Smith, sophomore theater arts major, as Dave. All of these performances made me laugh out loud, and I was very sad when their characters were gone. These are the type of actors that make a theater department great. Keep up the good work guys!

One actor that was missing from the cast was Scott Pederson, who was a part of the show but lost his life while saving his two sons from drowning this summer.

“The neatest thing is the connection we all had to Scott,” Joel Thomas said. “He was cast in the show before the tragic accident. It’s like we’re all doing the show to make Scott laugh.”
The show runs through October 10th, and tickets are only $1 with your student ID card.
　

The Identities of ME

You can’t run away from your past, at least that’s what they tell me.

I was walking to a class the other day and walked by an old friend. He promptly called out, “Hey Jojo!” This recalled a lifetime of old identities and odd personalities I used to (and still do) take on. If you haven’t already figured it out, I once donned the nickname “Jojo.” I know, it’s pathetic.

I’m sometimes covetous of names that can have “cuter” versions. Robert can be Bobby, and Tim can be Timmy. As of now, I’ve settled with the fact that the cutest version of my name is Matty. Obviously I’d taken that desire to have a cute name a bit too far in the past. The nickname “Jojo” actually originated from the Beatles’ song “Get Back,” but in hindsight, I realize it sounded more like a blonde cheerleader than the “Man who thought he was an owner.”

Do I give a bad review to myself, or to the people who should have stopped me from making such a social blunder? Well, I suppose the review should be divided equally between the two of us. I think that deserves four out of five toenail clippings found in mine/their Blue Bunny ice cream.

Rewinding further on the VHS of my life, I’ve come to the realization that I am the Madonna of Utah. Not because I posed nude for some pictures in the 80’s (which technically is true considering the baby-in-the-bathtub photos that are in my family’s album), but because I’m constantly re-inventing myself. Or rather, changing names/clothes/hair color all the time.
Another quandary; do I review myself for not sticking to one identity, or do I review myself for comparing my life to Madonna’s? Either way, the review would have to be a week locked in a dark room with “Holiday” by Madonna playing non-stop. That would be worse than water-boarding.

At the end of the 90’s and the beginning of the new millennium, I went by the nickname “Butterscotch” and frequented dance clubs and raves. I won’t get into the specifics there, but when I think about the outfits I used to wear I can’t help but wonder: did I look like the love-child of Cyndi Lauper and LL Cool J? Why is it I only comprehend my ridiculousness years afterward? Another review for myself: for not taking a hard look in the mirror and saying, “do I really want to go out in public like this?” I think I get eight out of 10 kisses from someone who has a big cold-sore.

Around that same time I believe I lied about my name on a job application, and then later faked my own death rather than quit. I promise I’m not making this up. I hated my boss so much, that I couldn’t take it anymore. I wrote her a suicide note and never came back to work. Is it fitting that my first major in college was Theater Arts?

Once upon a time I dyed my hair black, donned vampire-esque clothing, and told new people I met that my name was “Drake.” At the time, I wasn’t entirely aware that a drake was a male duck. I think I was 16. I do believe that was the same year I pretended to be twins.

I wouldn’t classify myself as a “liar,” just someone who likes to spice things up when life gets a little too boring. However, these things usually come back to bite me in the ass, and for not thinking these little embellishments through, my self-review is to drink two out of five glasses of lemonade, which in reality is water from the toddler section at the city pool.

Here’s a little free advice to any person who happens to have the free time to read my humble column: take a brutally honest look at yourself. Ask yourself some questions. Are the pictures people might take of me be incriminating in the future? Will my children look at me someday and say “what were you thinking?” When I lie to get out of class/work/dates, will that lie come back to haunt me? Is my nickname really that awesome? Ponder these questions. May you avoid the same pitiful faux pas that I made in my past. And now my children, go take on the day.

BEING SICK SUCKS!

This will appear in the Wednesday issue of the Dixie Sun.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Cliché, I know, but that saying is so appropriate. Last week I was hit with the flu, and it was far from fun. I don’t need to remind any of you who’ve had the flu about the time spent in the bathroom, the body temperature fluctuations, and the gallons and gallons of snot and mucus. Sorry, I hope nobody is eating while reading this review.

Whoever gave me the flu gets 35 out of 40 nose hairs plucked from his or her nostrils one at a time, very, very slowly. This person also gets 10 of those hairs stuck on his or her tongue, all day, with no way of removing them.

Furthermore, students who come to school sick get eight out of 10 days of publicly having “potty problems” in their pants. What sort of nincompoops wake up in the morning with their eyes crusted over and a nose completely full of snot and say to themselves: “I’m going to be like the Democrats. I’m going to re-distribute my sickness?”

Don’t think you are being a martyr by “sucking it up” and coming to school while under the inFLUence. Have a little common courtesy and spare the rest of us from your problematic germs.

It’s super easy to e-mail or call your professors and let them in on your situation. I’ll bet you $2 your professor’s e-mail address and phone number are on page one of your syllabus. If your teachers protest, kindly remind them that the president of the United States said to stay home if you think you are getting the flu. Now who would want to go against what his royal highness suggests? Wouldn’t that be treason?

Don’t think that I haven’t considered the porcine factor, either. Believe me, yesterday I asked myself, “What if it’s swine flu?” The pigs that started this whole H1N1 virus get five out of five donkey punches.

Since I had to go to the doctor to make sure I wasn't dying, it got me thinking about the bigger picture. If this whole health care fiasco continues on it's current track, I might be doomed if I get sick in the future.

What if this health care bill passes? What will happen then? I will admit that I am benefiting from Medicaid right now, and without it I would be lost. This new bill the members of Congress are proposing basically says that every citizen will be required to buy health insurance. If citizens don't purchase insurance, they will be “taxed,” or rather fined.

If I can’t afford to buy this insurance, I will get fined an amount I most likely will not be able to pay. So will I end up sick and in jail? That won’t be any fun at all. I would imagine the flu would just get continuously passed around from inmate to inmate. The sickness would be eternal.
Since I missed school last Wednesday, I had a whole day to sit around and think about my bad health and what could happen to me in the future if our nation keeps going in this direction.
Congress, by the way, gets one straight month of having to attend sessions in speedos and bikinis, with extra press coverage. If you’ve seen any of the representatives on Capitol Hill, you’ll know this wouldn’t be pleasant. (Perhaps that would be too much of a punishment for the public, though-something to think about.)

If you are sick, sneezing, coughing, puking, pooping too much, getting hot, getting cold, or just plain don’t feel healthy, for heaven’s sake stay home please. If I find the person who got me sick, the smackdown will be epic.

The St. George AIDS walk

I had four different people pay $11 each for me to walk about half of a mile today.

While it was a pretty expensive stroll, it, along with the donations of other people, added up to this year’s Southern Utah Aids Walk. While the attendance was small, about 60 people, the amounts raised for HIV testing was huge! Over $3000 was donated today for the testing of HIV in the Dixie and southern Nevada areas.

An HIV test costs about $11, so the group UTAH AIDS WALK asked that everyone bring increments of $11 to participate in the walk. My total was $44 thanks to 2 college staff members, a close friend, and my brother’s family.

I went by myself, but it didn’t take long before I saw other people I knew, and met some new friends.

I wasn’t able to get started with the rest of the group on account of the 3 bottles of water and cup of coffee I’d had prior to the walk, not to mention the long line at the bathroom. It did make for some pretty good pictures, though. I made it my own personal goal to get from the very back to the very front and talk to some people along the way.

I saw some fellow students from the college. We talked about the recent ACLU visit, and one student in particular who is involved in the Dixie State Gay/Straight Alliance told me she was very glad that the story made front page news on the Spectrum, but was a little sad that the story had to share with a piece on drop fees on the cover of the Dixie Sun.

The members of the ACLU themselves were in attendance as well. I had the opportunity to speak with them and see just how down to earth and fun they all were.

I passed countless amounts of dogs leading around their owners via leash on my way through the walking crowd, one was even waiting to be adopted; a hound named “Roger.” In hindsight, I should have taken him home. I miss him already. He, along with many other pets, can be a part of anyone’s family! Just check out the Utah PAWS website: www.dixiepaws.org. I might be tracking Roger down later.

Up near the front I chatted with and took some pictures of the leaders of the group. It was mostly small talk, but there was a definite camaraderie I could feel between all of us.
My favorite moments were snapping pictures and yelling out, “SMILE!” It made me feel important.

The people in attendance were from every walk of life. The age range was from toddlers to grandparents. People who simply want to help people seem to be the kind of folks that showed up. I have a new favorite saying concerning HIV/AIDS that I picked up on this walk: “You don’t have to be INFECTED to be AFFECTED.”

The teams that put this together are still working on a website. But if you would like information about the AIDS Walk, you can call my new friend Chris Doss at (435) 669-8970.