Green aint always Good

Whilst pondering the global warming debacle, I suddenly realized you can't spell environmentalist without the word "mental." Every time I see one of these loons on television or read about them in a magazine, I just think to myself: "How cute. They think Americans are so powerful that they can destroy Earth." Before I continue, please allow me to make it clear that I am all for being environmentally friendly. There's nothing wrong with eliminating pollution and saving energy. But for heaven's sake, if I hear the term "going green" one more time, I swear to all that is holy I am going to go buy the biggest SUV there is and leave it idling 24/7. As many of you know, I am a Rolling Stone aficionado (the magazine, not the band). Every once in a while, the editors of said magazine feel the need to stray from music and hit hard on subjects completely outside the realm of entertainment. Take this month's issue, for instance. On a completely black cover, a daunting title in bold, red letters reads "YOU IDIOTS!" Below the all-caps headline is a sub-heading that reads "Meet the planet's worst enemies." OK, I guess that's acceptable. Give a list of the things that are truly bad for the planet. I mean, I'm sure everyone already knows that littering and nuclear waste are bad, but there's no harm in reiterating the fact. I must be daft because the headline on the cover of RS was truly misleading to me. Instead of a list of the things that are just poopy for the planet, there was more of an enemies list of people. I was utterly crestfallen. I just don't appreciate my entertainment magazines focusing on subjects like Barack Obama and global warming. Where are the movie reviews? Where's the Hollywood gossip? Where's Lady Gaga when you need her? The centerfold spread is a 15-page story titled "As the world burns." The whole article is peppered with pictures of Obama, factories spewing filth into the air, mug shots of people who apparently are conspiring to destroy the planet, and of course no global warming piece would be complete without a picture of some cuddly polar bears. Dearest editors of my favorite magazine, your review is 10 out of 10 days living in the Pine Valley mountains just north of St. George, having to shovel your car out of 3 feet of snow every morning, like I did today. Yup. That's global warming for you. But all of that aside, I would like to give a humble review to environMENTALists in general. I've yet to meet a raging green-addict who lives in any rural area of the United States. Every green activist I've met in person, seen on TV or read about lives in a highly-populated area such as Los Angeles or New York City. I can only assume these people think the entire planet is like their cities. I would like to invite any doomsday-predicting, oceans-rising, Al Gore-worshipping environmentalist to spend a week in my little town. Our mountain is turning from green to brown because the pine trees are dying. You'll never guess why. Well, a group of environmentalists whined when an outbreak of tree-killing bark beetles hit Pine Valley. The locals wanted to perform a controlled burn to rid the forest of these killer bugs, and the environmentalists protested. For some reason, the enviro-freaks won, and now the beetle is killing tree after tree. Wow, that one backfired, eh, tree huggers? On a national level, I am constantly thinking about the California farmers who can't produce crops because the clueless greenies found out that a minnow might be endangered because the pumps that distribute water to the crops might be killing them. So what is the solution? Maybe take a bunch of those super-important endangered fish and transplant them to a different location? Wrong. According to the hippies, the only way to solve that problem is to turn off the pumps and kill hundreds and hundreds of acres worth of oxygen-producing plants. Ouch. How does it feel to fight for the planet and in the process end up killing it faster? My dear enviro-psychos, your review is one year having to farm the land and produce crops without the aid of water. Come on now, you magical hemp-lovers, how can you do it? Who knows how many jobs could have been created in the oil business if it weren't such a crime to tap our own resources? Thanks again, hippy folk. The oceans may rise and engulf all of Florida and California (if only), every polar bear in existence could drop dead, and carbon emissions caused by cow farts could increase by 800 percent, and the environmentalists would still kill us faster than global warming ever could.

Be Aware!

It's understandable that even the best of us can some times be unaware of our surroundings, but there are those who are perpetually oblivious to everything but themselves. My interest in this subject began long ago when someone said to me: "Either look where you're going or go where you're looking." To make a long story short, this was a random person I ran into while I was walking and texting. Ever since that fateful day, I've paid more attention to other people and what those people are paying attention to. My research has generated some entertaining and sometimes scary results. I was recently at the Three Amigos Market on Bluff Street. Yes, I needed a piñata, but that's not the point. I was attempting to pull into the parking lot but was delayed, as were two other cars that were behind me, because two women were chatting in the lot entrance, effectively blocking any incoming vehicles. One woman had her back turned to the line of folks waiting patiently for the conversation to end, and I'll give this woman the benefit of the doubt. I'll just assume she wasn't aware that traffic was piling up because of her need to converse in the middle of a parking lot, but her friend most definitely saw the line of automobiles waiting to get into the Three Amigos parking lot. I do enjoy a good chat, and I will admit that once a good conversation gets going it is a tad bit annoying when something rudely interrupts it, but seriously, can the heart-to-heart be put on hold for about 20 seconds, just long enough to walk out of the road? Apparently not, considering I, along with the rest of the motorists, sat idling in our cars, contributing to the carbon footprint of St. George. If I weren't so concerned with being sent to jail, I might have just nudged these two ladies with my bumper to make my point. My dear ladies, it's seven out of 10 days of conversation between the two of you, all while standing in the middle of I-15. Are people unaware or do they just not care? On the topic of roadway antics, I have to recant my adventures at the movie theater this weekend. It was a Friday night, so the theater was quite busy, and the line for tickets was daunting to say the least. Who knows why or how the line was formed in the manner it was, but when I arrived I was shocked. The people waiting to purchase their tickets were lined up off the sidewalk and into the parking lot. Now had there been no need for road access in front of the theater, this line formation probably would have sufficed. But since there was a line of cars waiting for the growing line to shrink, one would assume that someone would take the initiative to steer the line in another direction. Yet people continued to line up further and further into the parking lot. When I joined the line I reluctantly suggested to the people around me that we bend the procession of patrons to allow the cars to get by. It took some coaxing but eventually I was able to move the sheep, I mean the people, over to the sidewalk. I want so badly to review the people who saw no other option but to stand in the road so they could see "Avatar," but sadly that review would be something to the effect of living their own lives for 10 days. Alas, their very existence is punishment enough. Obliviousness isn't simply constrained to roadways, mind you. I'm sure you're all aware of the completely clueless people wandering around us no matter where we are. Picture this: lunch time in the Red Rock Café. There I am, plate in hand, waiting for my turn at the salad bar. Actually, waiting for my turn may not be the suitable description. I was waiting for a girl to step away from the salad bar so I could dish myself up some leafy greens. I don't even know why she was standing there. She was simply stationary like some sort of vegetable-blocking statue. Finally, after half a minute or so, I took some initiative and just reached behind her while simultaneously saying "excuse me." The look I received was classic. It was as if I had just insulted her mother, grandmother, child and her religion while concurrently telling her she needs a nose job and breast augmentation. Her dagger-eyes said, "How dare you attempt to get lunch? Can't you see I'm standing here?!" Whoever you are, my dear little freshman, I have a review for you: one straight month in a forest full of bunnies and flowers. You'll have seven dwarves to wait on you hand and foot, and everything you touch will turn to chocolate. Wherever you walk there shall grow baby unicorn bushes in your wake. Dragonflies made of candy and giggles will forever encircle your head, and rainbow birds will fly above you, eternally pooping skittles for your enjoyment. Think of it as charm school, The Skewed Review way. When you return, you'll be a much happier person, willing to make that horrible sacrifice of allowing a lowly commoner like myself a chance to abate my hunger and get some salad. Please look both ways whenever you are doing anything, don't put yourself in danger because you absolutely have to finish that conversation, and for Heaven's sake, allow others to get their salads at the salad bar.

New email is SkewedReview@live.com!

Much of my Christmas break was spent glued to the television watching the biggest train-wreck in reality show history: Congress.




Considering the direction our executive, legislative and judicial branches of government are taking us, I decided to crack open the two documents our founding fathers wrote way back in the day and see how constitutional this whole circus act is.



I'd bet a dollar and free health care that almost everyone is aware of the reform bill that is priority No. 1 to all elected officials and non-elected czars. However, if you happened to spend your Christmas vacation meditating with the monks in the high Himalayas, please permit me to get you up to speed.



On Christmas Eve the Senate passed the health care reform bill in a George Washington-esque style. They attacked while everyone was celebrating the holiday, just as our first president crossed the Delaware and attacked the British. However, in my humble opinion, this under-the-radar strike won't produce such glorious consequences as General Washington's attack on his enemies.



The Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution are merely a few pages long. I think the founding fathers got it right, and they'd be sorely disappointed with this upcoming piece of sh-I mean legislation that is 2,000 pages and counting.



Oh, the reviews I could give to the members of congress would be endless. Ten out of 10 days in Pakistan, 11 out of 12 months working a real job that an average American works, one out of one plastic surgeries to look like Nancy Pelosi. The list goes on.



However, my review won't go to the sin-ators or the con-men, and not even to his lordship Obama who has set this fatal Barack-racy into play. No, believe it or not, I'll be reviewing our founding fathers.



Yes, the structure of our government was a good idea in theory. A series of checks and balances seems to make a whole lot of sense, as does having three branches of government so that no one person or group of persons has all the power. By dividing the power we make sure that each arm keeps the other arm in check.



The great Benjamin Franklin once said, "'Tis easy to see, hard to foresee."



Yes Mr. Franklin, truer words were never spoken. But when it comes to foreseeing the future of America, I think Mr. $100 bill along with all the other faces on our currency should have considered that one day all branches of government may be ruled by one ideology.



My fellow students, that day has come. The checks and balances put in place by Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Franklin, Hancock and the rest of the crew only works when there are opposing opinions. When everyone who has power is in complete agreement with each other, well, you get 2010-style government.



The brave men who founded this country should have put an amendment in that forbids all senators, congressmen and the president to be of the same mind. Our state of freedom relies on a two-party government. Who is there to stop idiotic ideas?



I'd have to say the old adage of "if your friends jumped off a cliff…" is so applicable to our government right now.



To our founding fathers, whom I greatly admire, I have to give you a bit of a negative review: eight out of 10 years having to be the guardian angels for Kanye West.



No worries, I'm sure in Heaven's time that's only a few seconds.



I'm no fan of this legislation that's being pushed through, so no doubt you'll hear my complaints. But if you are all for the health care plan, make it known. Don't be afraid to stand up and tell others what you believe, but please have some logic to back it up.



The bit that agitates me like a bag of explosives sewn into my undies is I fear our country will go bankrupt because of this legislation.



On top of that, after reading the Constitution, I found absolutely nothing that permits Congress to make any American purchase goods or services. I'm still doing some research, but thus far I can't find any precedent in U.S. legal history to support this bill that requires everyone to buy health insurance. If you happen to come upon something that supports such an act, please email it to me at door.matt@live.com.



If you haven't read the Constitution and the great Declaration of Independence, I suggest you take some time to do so. It will only take an hour or so because our founding fathers weren't in the habit of writing novels like our current legislators do. And if you have read these founding documents, please take a little time and read them again. Knowledge is power.

Politically Correct Christmas!

Here's a stocking-full of holiday advice: Be wary, the politically correct police are on the prowl. 'Tis the season to be extra loud about being an atheist. It's the time of year when those who don't believe in a God shove it down the throats of all of us who do. Eleven months out of the year the agnostics and atheists don't give hoot nor holler whether or not people know they deny a creator (with the exception of Bill Maher, of course). However, when Christmas rolls around those who wish to squelch the joy of the season are out and about declaring there is no God. And the rest of us sit and take it. Why has it become so passé to admit a tie of Christianity to the season of Christmas? Today it seems the act of actually celebrating the birth of a significant baby warrants more legal action than it does cheer. No matter where you turn, the societal standard seems to be to erase Christmas from the equation this time of year. "Merry Christmas" was once unashamedly on the lips of everyone I met, but now I hear mostly "happy holidays" or "seasons greetings" in the attempt not to offend the people who, in my humble opinion, are just looking for attention. I guess despite the truckloads of offending remarks we are constantly dumping on each other every other day of the year, it's the general consensus that December is the month when we're not allowed to offend anyone. Imagine my surprise when I turned on the TV and saw a commercial for a satellite dish company where the people on the screen were actually singing "Merry Christmas." I say give the satellite dish folks five out of 12 days of free labor from leaping lords, dancing ladies, piping pipers, drumming drummers and milking maids. My initial thought after seeing the advertisement was, "Good for them." But then I began to consider the 20 percent of U.S. citizens who aren't religious and who are increasingly the loudest of the population. Don't get me wrong; I have no sympathy for that one out of five. I am just fearful for the programming providers and the backlash they may receive from that ever-so-monstrous minority. I wouldn't doubt a boycott by the religion-haters against DISH Network for their unabashed display of merriment. And while scrolling through the upcoming Christmas television programming, I noticed ABC will be showing "A Charlie Brown Christmas" this year. Good for ABC. I wonder how long a network can get away with showing a cartoon that actually quotes the bible? How long will the agnostics and atheists let that slide? Consider this: If our nation was a school yard, the 80 percent of inhabitants that identify with a religion would be the general population of pupils. In light of their differences, the children would still play and learn together. The 20 percent of agnostics and atheists would be those surly, socially inept bullies who, rather than trying to make friends, would push the other kids around and get some sort of sick pleasure out of intimidating them. Even though the majority of the little kids are not bullies, they still pander to those terror-tots who push them around. I say screw those bullies. Any person worth their salt should stand up and be proud of who they are and why they celebrate this season. Some might want to boil me in my own Christmas pudding and bury me with a stake of holly through my heart. Well, I say there's nothing more comfortable that sitting in a tub full of hot pudding, and there's nothing more decorative than a sprig of holly on your chest. Don't let that 20 percent push you around. If someone acts offended by your remarks, throw it back in their face and tell them you are offended by their taking offense to your beliefs. Giving them a taste of their own medicine should shut them up. Besides, we all need to get a good "Merry Christmas" out of our mouths before saying it becomes a crime. And don't think that won't happen considering the path our nation is taking these days. It's sad that these days a person will get more flack for attempting to spread cheer than they would if they spread a "bah humbug." Don't be afraid to think it, write it, say it or scream it. Merry Christmas!

Heroes!

It's amazing who (and what) passes for a hero these days.

Have you ever looked back on your childhood and remembered the people who you used to look up to? Mom, Dad, Mrs. Holland the third grade teacher, and perhaps even Superman. Although these people all play different roles in a child's life, particularly Superman, they had one thing in common: merits.

If you were lucky, Mom and Dad were loving and nurturing. One brought in the money and kept the family fed, and the other kept a watchful eye to prevent you from starting yourself on fire. If you weren't so lucky to have such a family, count your blessings that somewhere along the way someone popped up in your life who helped steer you toward a life where going to college was an option for you.

Somewhere along the bumpy road of life there was most likely a teacher you took a shining to. This is the educator who, despite your many flaws, saw the best in a young little troublemaker. This teacher gave you a good grade but made you work for it and made you realize how important learning actually was.

And as for Superman, despite his one real defect of not actually existing, his motives were always virtuous. He kept a full-time job as a journalist, something in and of itself a grand accomplishment, and in his spare time saved the lives of screaming women, babies and the planet. He was physically fit and looked good in skin-tight outfits as well as glasses. Not to mention his ability to leap tall buildings in a single… well, you know the rest. Yes, these were the heroes of old. These were the men and women of valor whose actions and deeds were exemplary to the young people who observed them. These patriots of all shapes and sizes deserve the Congressional Medal of Skewed Reviewism. It's a gold plated, diamond encrusted piece of happiness, made of stardust and dipped in liquid moon beams. It's imprinted with the hoof print of a baby lamb and hung on a shining rainbow. According to Vogue, it is the ultimate fashion accessory and even goes well with Crocs. Now skip a few chapters on your e-reader to present day. I have nothing against Lady Gaga. In fact I find her to be incredibly entertaining, but when little girls are looking up to the likes of the Gaga-nator as a heroine, something is amiss. When a young musician no longer looks to the works of Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin or Bach and instead reveres so-called "musicians" like Eminem and Kanye West, it is an obvious sign of some unforeseen impending doom. I fear the future of music looks bleak. Should the review be to have Eminem and Kanye be forced to listen to each other's music for 10 out of 10 days? Or would a more fitting punishment be to have those 10 days be spent listening to their own music? Are future athletes going to continue to live up to the standards of legends such as Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Michael Jordan, Larry Bird and Steve Young? Or is the future of sports to be played by carbon copies of Michael Vick, Alex Rodriguez and the ever-so-overexposed O.J. Simpson? For these influential athletes who seem to forget that every athletic child looks up to them, I have to award them two years locked up with a German body building woman whose steroid use has put her past the 400 pound mark. What happens when an aspiring actor stops looking to greats such as Orson Welles, Lena Horne, Audrey Hepburn, Gary Oldman and Meryl Streep and instead begins a journey to imitate the likes of Pauly Shore, Dave Chappelle, Seth Rogan, Will Ferrell and Sarah Silverman? What on earth will the Academy hand out awards for in the coming years? I can just see it now: Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg announcing the Oscar for the Best Motion Picture of the Year going to "Eurotrip 3: Frequent Flyer Miles." The makers of these movies that only seem to make us all dumb and dumber get the review of 19 out of 20 Oscars. The catch is they have to swim the English Channel naked in January with said Oscars strung like a necklace of pearls around their necks. Upon their arrival on the opposite shore, they must then be subjected to British dental care. What happened to our lovely world where bravery and accomplishments warranted the title of "hero?" Here's a goal for everyone, myself included: Be the kind of person the next generation will look to and want to imitate.

Here Comes The Next DSC Professor!

OK, so if you're going to be a teacher, there are several things to keep in mind.

First of all, never let your class walk all over you. It only teaches disrespect of those in authority. Second, be willing to spend that extra amount of time with students who may be struggling. A teacher can be a hero, you know! Third, and this could be the most important, don't expose yourself to your class.

But even if you do decide to take off your clothes in front of your class, you should at least be somewhat prepared to be arrested.

This Kentucky State University instructor went through all the hassle of disrobing, putting his clothes back on, being arrested for indecent exposure and then taken to jail. So why is it his mug shot depicts a look of utter surprise? Like he didn't know he was going to jail?

In the article, interim Provost Ken Harmon said, "He will not be teaching again at KSU."

Well, if he can manage to get a doctorate, he might be able to find a job at Dixie State College!

Christmas on a budget